The History of Indian Boarding Schools

Total control of the Indian children’s education was viewed as the most feasible option to achieve encompassing assimilation and the adaptation of a perceived “civilized” lifestyle for Native Americans. The govern-mental officials believed the children’s separation from their families would reduce their families’ influence and further the assimilation process. Some Indian people managed to survive with little to no repercussions. For the majority of Indian people, the boarding school initiative made more of a negative impact than all other efforts to destroy the Indian people either intentionally or unintentionally, including armed forces, starvation, disease, loss of land, and Christianity.

            The outcome of this legislation was a vulnerable population laced with disease, death, poverty, and other social ills, such as rates of domestic violence, alcoholism, child abuse and neglect higher than any other sectors of the population. [i] Ongoing cultural oppression, health dis-parities and a lack of access to services and economic opportunity coupled with chronic poverty, have depleted hope for many tribal families. The cumulative effects of chronic stress and unresolved historical trauma have led to an increased risk of developing psychological and behavioral disorders.[ii] The negative impact of the enforced boarding school legislation is still resonating with many Native American families today. 

The concept of the boarding school initiative began in 1875 when Richard Henry Pratt was given responsibility of 72 Indian men charged with murder and rapine (the act of seizing property by force) at Fort Marion in St. Augustine, Florida. During their stay, these prisoners served as laborers to offset the cost of running the prison. They performed cleaning and maintenance duties. Pratt rehabilitated these men. They adopted the appearance and characteristics of the Euro-American population. These same Indian men were later placed in jobs without guards. Following Pratt’s efforts to rehabilitate the Indian men, the Carlisle Indian Boarding School was established by Pratt with support of the federal government in 1879. The boarding schools were fashioned after the same rehabilitative principles as the prison program, which included the school attendants serving as laborers to offset costs. [iii] 

Two boarding schools and one orphanage opened in Michigan. The Catholic Church opened the orphanage in Baraga in 1887, and Indian children were the primary occupants. The Holy Childhood Boarding School in Harbor Springs opened in 1889. The federal government opened the boarding school in Mt. Pleasant in 1893. Numerous other boarding schools opened in the United States and the Canadian government followed suit, modeling the residential schools after the American boarding schools. 

Boarding schools were run like military camps. Indian children were stringently taught how to follow orders. The children had to fall into formation, march in a straight line, and oftentimes wore military clothing and shoes. During the weekdays, the children attended school sessions. They were taught English, math, history, and geography, usually by Euro-American teachers. Some of the teachers tried to be kind and helpful, but many were cruel.

On average, only a few hours a day were spent in the classroom, and the other portion was spent undertaking assigned tasks. The children received minimal care and education. Students constituted the majority of the labor pool and did most of the meal preparation, building repairs, gardening, caring for livestock, and cleaning.         

Learning how to accomplish these tasks would help prepare them for adulthood in the white man’s world, because the only viable future was a white future. Girls were prepared to work as servants or to become home-makers. Boys were trained in the areas of gardening, repair and maintenance of homes and farms, the running of farms, printing presses, and the building of houses and furniture. Many of the children participated in an outing program in which they were placed in Euro-American homes and expected to do various chores for their room and board. They were forced to change the way they looked and forget their language, customs, and religion. Their loss of identity formed mixed messages about their heritage and about themselves, resulting in contempt for those in power as well as their parents and elders. 

It was a common practice to give the Indian children English names when they attended the boarding schools. In the Native American tribal way of life, one was not permitted to own anything that was provided to them by the Creator. The land, food and other necessities were bestowed to them to use and must be honored. The only thing that could be owned was their given names. Only one person in a village could have a specific name, and this name was derived by spiritual means such as visions, dreams and naming ceremonies. Names provided their identity throughout their lifetime. When English names were given to the children in the boarding schools as a part of the assimilation process and the loss of their given names led to identity confusion. 

Children who attended the boarding schools suffered from various types of abuse. Concerning sexual abuse, one woman reported she spent years in therapy until she finally grasped the fact she had been a victim. The shame and guilt she experienced as a result of the sexual abuse she was forced to endure at the hands of a priest at the Holy Childhood Boarding School caused her chronic emotional stress into adulthood.

Nuns would maintain relationships with young boys and these young boys would become confidants for these women. Mentally healthy women in their 30s or 40s do not fall in love with boys who are 10, 11 or 12 years of age.    Pedophiles work in a way that does not permit children to refuse. It is cunning, measured, and done under the pretext of fondness. These children were used as sexual outlets. Once the sexually deviant person tired of the current victim, they dumped them and preyed on other unsuspecting children. Victims often felt abandoned. Children could not escape from their perpetrators. They had no one to turn to and they were held captive because these institutions became their prison. [iv]

Another report involved nuns at the Holy Childhood Boarding School who began their seduction by kissing the younger boys good night. One of the abusive nuns was in her 20s, rather plain and chubby. The favored boys would get kissed on the lips and she would tickle them.  One of the people who attended the school stated that a few years went by for him until the kisses started getting longer and longer, and then he was taken to her bedroom. The boys were not expected to perform sexual acts until they were approximately 12 years of age.

One day, after aforementioned person was pulled off the playground and forced to perform sexual acts, he and a pedophile nun were caught in a compromising position by other nuns, yet the perpetrator did not receive any retribution.[v]  The children were habitually exposed to “institutionalized pedophilia” and “sexual terrorism.” The pedophiles included, but were not limited to, priests, nuns, and Protestant clergy.

The religious instruction that was provided added to the confusion and degradation of many Indian children. Oftentimes, they were abused in various ways by the very same people who were providing religious instruction. Children who demonstrated resistance to the teaching practices and the regimented authority were subjected to humiliation and harsh punishments. They suffered whippings and unusual torture such as standing on their tiptoes with arms outstretched while their hands were hit with wooden boards and rulers. The treatment of boys was typically more severe than that of girls. Ruthless punishment occurred when children tried to run away, although this did not deter many from attempting to do so.

Former students who attended the Holy Childhood Boarding School reported about some of the harsh treatments that occurred at that school. An excessive amount of emotional abuse was inflicted on these children. Jennifer was beaten with a rubber hose when she wet the bed or was forced to wear the urine-soaked sheets in front of her peers. Tim reported that he was called a “dirty savage” by staff at the Holy Childhood, which led to problems concerning the understanding of his own identity and as a result he struggled with self-esteem issues. Kent witnessed children at the Holy Childhood who were beaten if they spoke their native language. 

When the children first arrived at the school, they felt lonely and isolated and as a result many suffered from homesickness. Most children who attended these institutions were separated from their family before they were developmentally mature. The boarding schools were often one hour or further from the children’s homes. Before 1957, Indian children who lived in St. Ignace, Michigan had to be taken across Lake Huron on a barge and then transported by car to Harbor Springs, Michigan. The Mackinac Bridge was built in 1957, which eliminated the use of the barge system. The expense of travel was more than most Indian families could afford, which deterred them from visiting their children. In 1924, the Native American per capita annual income was approximately $81.[vi]

Prior to the 1920s, boarding school officials would have to seek preapproval from the local reservation superintendent or an Indian agent before permission could be granted for children to go home, even for severe hardship, such as deaths in the family and sick relatives.  Indian parents learned to get around these sanctions by stating that their children were needed to assist with farming. Since farming was a part of the assimilation process, it served as a more worthy excuse. When John Collier filled the position as Commissioner of Indian Affairs in 1933, these policies took a turn for the better.  Students were permitted to go home for the summer months and usually for family hardships.

Indian children developed alliances with each other and looked after one another while attending these institutions. Many of the children had never met Indian people from other tribes. They also practiced pan-Indianism, which involved the learning and adopting of portions of languages and cultures from other tribal communities. Friendships were often formed, some lasting their lifetimes. They made fun of the teachers and gave them names the students felt best suited their personalities.     On occasion, they snuck out at night together and did things they knew were forbidden activities, such as breaking into buildings on and off school property.  Sports, choirs, bands, and dances were other ways long lasting friendships were developed and ways in which the children maintained their sanity. Sharing the common experience of attending boarding schools was another way in which life long bonds were established.

When a child was sent to bed without a meal, the other children would often sneak them food. The children experienced what could be referred to as slow, agonizing starvation. School officials were allotted very limited funding, which served as a strong indication of the lack of importance concerning Indian children.

During the 1920s, the Meriam report revealed the lack of fresh food and milk for boarding school residents in the United States. This report involved an investigation concerning failed U.S. Indian policies in various areas such as education. The average per capita food allowance was 11 cents per day. As a result, students suffered from malnutrition because of the shortage of food. The Meriam report suggested 35 cents per day for each student. This would ensure proper nutrition and adequate food supply.           The recommendations put forth by those who conducted the Meriam study were often ignored. On another note, during the time the Meriam team was observing some of the boarding schools, they made notice of the extreme levels of quietness. Episodes of intermingling and comfortable conversations were non-existent. [vii]

Disease also ran rampant in the boarding schools with tuberculosis being one of the most serious. Measles, mumps, influenza, and trachoma, a disease that inflicted the eyes, were other health maladies. Often, the parents were not informed about their children’s illnesses. Children with these diseases and healthy students were kept together at the schools. Overcrowding was another issue. These schools were often filled to capacity and beyond. Due to the lack of medical services and poor diets, the children often died as a result of contracting diseases.

Neglect is another form of oppression in which a person is deprived of love, care, nurturance, support, or other pertinent assistance, as well as basic material needs such as food, shelter, and clothing. The children were provided shelter and clothing; however, their other needs were grossly neglected. They often experienced failure to thrive. As a result, many Indian people associated these institutions with death and despair. 

The boarding school experience did prepare children to communicate with the English-speaking popu-lation. A high percentage of the attendees had a difficult time returning to their home of origin. Their difficulty of fitting in with their families was partially due to the biased instruction they received at the school, as well as the lack of bonding with their families because of their long absences. Much of the native language was lost, along with many of the traditional customs. Many boarding school attendees did not return to the tribal communities.

A vast number of Indian children were released from the boarding schools when they were ready to attend high school. After spending years of following the stringent rules at the schools, they had to try and fit in with their families and the outside world. They were not taught how to think for themselves.

Teenagers are known to have difficulty making smart choices. During the late teens, the brain begins to develop its prefrontal cortex and inferior cortex, the areas that supervise judgment and self-control. This process is not completed until the mid-twenties. As a result, teenagers and young adults are subject to making bad judgments, lack inhibitory control, and experience a likelihood of developing addictive behaviors. These susceptibilities can be lessened if they receive caring support. 

Many of the teenagers who left these institutions were not welcomed by their families. The years of separation and the vast differences these attendees had with their families caused them to feel alienated and the needed support and guidance was nonexistent. A large number of Native American people are living with regrets that resulted from making poor choices when they were teenagers and young adults. Many Indian people married individuals who mirrored the caregivers at these institutions and ended up in loveless relationships and/or divorce. Again, the negative impact of these harsh environments resonates throughout tribal communities today.

Many of these students joined the white population and were acculturated into their way of life. They worked at jobs on farms or in towns. Some moved to the urban areas and others were hired by the boarding schools as teachers, cooks, and caretakers. Some of the students were grateful for learning trades taught at the schools. Jeff, a former student who attended the federal boarding school in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan, learned how to be barber while he was attending the school, which brought him money when he was in the armed service. He was hired by his peers to cut their hair while he served his country. The school gave him the confidence to tackle things such as his former job as a meteorologist, which was also a part of his career path.   Jeff still carried resentments towards his father for letting him down as a child, because his father had a drinking problem. Jeff felt his father was not a good provider. The family went without their basic needs being met such as food and adequate housing. His family was forced to move to the reservation and the housing was substandard. 

Jeff did not like the “outing program,” as he re-ferred to it. The outing program associated with the federal boarding school in Mt. Pleasant involved being forced to live with a family and work for them to earn his room and board after he left the school during his early teenage years. Jeff wanted to go to school instead of being forced to work. Jeff believed the school afforded better housing, regular meals, and future job opportunities.

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[i] Child, B. (2000). Boarding School Seasons: American Indian Families, 1900-1940. Nebraska: University of Nebraska Press, 43.

[ii] Reyhner, J. and Eder, J. (2004).  American Indian Education: A History.  Oklahoma: University of Oklahoma Press, 134-140.

[iii] Archuleta, M. Child, B., and Lomawaima, T. (2000).  Away from Home: American Boarding School Experiences 1897-2000.  Arizona: Heard Museum.

[iv] Stanton, A. (July 7, 2008).  Northern Express. Unholy Childhood. Retrieved on October 2, 2014 from http://www.northernexpress.com/editorial/features.asp?id=3240

[v] Churchill, W. (2004). Kill the Indian, Save the Man. California: City Lights Books, 62.

[vi] Child, B. (2000). Boarding School Seasons: American Indian Families, 1900-1940. Nebraska: University of Nebraska Press, 45.

[vii] Ibid, 32.

Chapter X: Life on the Rez

Family Myths and Distortions

Family myths and distortions serve as a smoke screen in hopes of keeping others from knowing the reality of what is really going on in our lives. These myths and distortions are used to hide abuse and cover up specific information about relationships within the family. You’ve heard about the families in which the woman is chasing her husband in the front yard swinging a frying pan. Their problems are aired in public for the world to see.  However, that is not usually the case. There is a lot of shame associated with abuse. If we tell ourselves something enough times it be-comes reality. It is important to conduct a reality check.      We need to take off the rose colored glasses. I was attending conference and the key speaker was Claudia Black. The topic addressed at the conference concerned the plight of adult children of alcoholics. A person sitting next to me made reference to her childhood as being perfect. Claudia Black invited anyone who believes they had the perfect childhood to come to the front of the room and that belief would be challenged. There is no such thing as a per-fect childhood. We are imperfect beings raised by imperfect beings. Again, it is vital for us to view our past by utilizing an honest approach. 

To begin the process of seeing our families as it really was and is, take the view from an advantageous position of an outsider and how they would view our family. Many of us carried the belief that our parents were supposed to be kind and loving even if those perceptions were not real. We need to take off the rose colored glasses as mentioned earlier and realize we were born to parents who had to contend with their own baggage. Some of those bags were really heavy. 

We need to take the time to explore our lives and the lives of our families of origin. Here are some things to ponder:

·         Describe our families as if we were seeing our family from the perspective of someone else who lived in our community.

·         What is the true story of our families?

·         How did it feel to examine the true story about our families?

·         Why do we think we felt this way?

·         We need to consider who taught us these myths? Were we permitted to talk about the problems our family was facing?

·         What was the intention of this myth?  What was it meant to accomplish? 

Who or what was the myth and distortion suppose to protect?

·         How has this myth or distortion affected our lives?  We may pursue relationships that are destructive because we have not established a firm grasp of our family of origin.

·         Develop a positive outcome as a result of realizing the myths or distortions concerning our families. For example, our self-esteem has been more enhanced due to our journey of healing and as a result we are able to have a healthier relationships (Copeland and Harris, 2000).

 

There are so many families existing in a continuum of abuse while at least one of the parents is a pillar of the community. A lot of the priests, who were written about by Podles in Sacrilege: Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church, were pillars in the community. Community members were aware of the honorable services they provided for the community and were not aware of their pedophile tendencies. There have been times noted of other prominent members of communities who were being abusive to their own children. In the public eye they are honored for their positions such as serving in roles of surgeons and clergy. Who is going to believe someone who is saying they have been abused by such an outstanding member of a com-munity?

Family myths and distortions are useful tools for hiding things we feel shame about from the rest of the world in an effort to conceal the ugly truth about our current and past relationships. Many of us have done so to try to fit in some place away from the abusive situation. Legislation is more readily enforced concerning child abuse, neglect and domestic violence. No one deserves, no matter what the circumstances are, to be abused and used in sick ways. It is important to conduct a reality check of our current and past experiences in order to heal from these circumstances.

From Victim to Thriver

An important goal when addressing historical trauma is to move from the victim role to thriving. The terms victim and survivor are often used interchangeably. There are vast differences between the terms. The terms victim, survivor, and thriver feature distinctions as follows:

Victim:

State of helplessness

Angry

Hoping to be rescued

Perception of lacking choices

Self-pity

Complacent

Identities self as a victim

In pain and feeling numb

Experiencing feelings of defeat

Avoidance of feelings

Controlled by traumatic memories

Controlled by depression, anxiety, hatred, bitterness, revenge, and physical complaints

Has not learned from the experience, likely to repeat trauma occurrences, and victimization

Feelings of shame and self-dislike

Self-destructive addictions

Survivor:

Beginning to feel stronger

Perception that there are resources and choices

Recognition of personal potential to change and grow

Living one day at a time; coping from day to day; present life is primary focus

Beginning to heal

Living moderately well

Suffering begins to lessen

Neutral about life; not depressed, but not happy

Realization of traumatic experience(s) existing in the past.

Removed ourselves from possible abusive situations

Thriver:

Committed to positive growth

Planning for the future with optimism

Active

Self-determined

Can experience joy

Established healthy self-esteem; and we see ourselves as valuable people

Reaching out to others

Have found meaning and purpose in life

Experience positive growth as a result of the trauma.

Can endure remaining anxiety based symptoms with relative comfort and/or acceptance

Guilty feelings have been resolved

Generally satisfied with life

Perception that we have moved beyond the trauma and have learned valuable lessons (Shiraldi, 2000).

Discovering Life Satisfaction through Volunteering

            “Everyone has a purpose in life… a unique gift or 

special talent to give others.  And when we blend 

unique talent with service to others, we experience

the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit,

which is the ultimate goal of all goals.”

Deepak Chopra

Strong, healthy communities are built by everyone doing their part to make the community successful.  At the same time we can reap the benefits derived from volunteering. Studies have shown that people who volunteer are more satisfied with their lives. Even if we are struggling with unresolved trauma, it is extremely therapeutic to help others. Volunteering removes us from getting caught up in the thoughts and actions that may be causing us grief. Most of us are busy with families and jobs; but we can take the time to make a difference. Perhaps volunteer activities can be conducted with loved ones as a way of spending time with them. When we help someone else find something to smile about, our whole world will get a little bit brighter. 

            Tips for Getting Started with Volunteering:

            First we need to ask ourselves if there is something we want to do, to learn more about and are there positive changes we want to make for our communities. We can start our preparation for volunteering by asking what we want to accomplish by exploring the following options:

·         Make improvement to our environment. This may involve garbage pick up on the streets by our homes or volunteering in scouting.

·         To meet interesting people.

·         To try something new.

·         To do something we are good at. Perhaps we are good at organizing so we can help with organizing some fundraising events.

·         To explore a type of work we may seek as a full time job at a later date.

·         To do more with our interests and hobbies. We may like to be artistic so we may volunteer to help elders or disabled individuals with art projects.

·         To see a different way of life and new places.  Perhaps we could volunteer at homeless shelter.  

The best way to begin our volunteer experience is to match our personality and interests with the volunteer activities that are available. There are a multitude of volunteer opportunities available in every community. The key is to find the activity we are capable of doing and would enjoy doing. It is also important that our commitment matches the organization’s needs. 

We need to ask ourselves the following questions:

·         What skills can we bring to the organization?

·         How much responsibility are we willing or can we take on?

·         What causes are important to us? 

·         How much time are we willing to commit?

·         Do we want to be behind the scenes or in a more visible role?

            A whole host of advantages are associated with volunteering:

·         Volunteering connects us with others and we will make new friends and contacts. One of the best known benefits of volunteering is the positive impact on the community. We meet all kinds of people and can experience a sense of belonging. It’s a two way street. It can benefit us and our family as much as the cause we are helping. Our social skills will be boosted along with an enhancement of our social and support network. We are exposed to people with similar interests, community resources, and fulfilling experiences.

·         Volunteering is good for our minds and bodies. 

o   Volunteering increases self-confidence, self-esteem and life satisfaction. When we are doing good things for others and the community, we are providing ourselves with a sense of accomplishment. We are provided with a sense of pride and identity. The better we feel about ourselves, the more we will have a positive view of our lives and what lies in our future. 

o   Volunteering can combat depression. A key negative component of depression is social isolation. With volunteering, we are in contact with others on a regular basis and it helps us develop a support system. This in turn can protect us from additional harmful stress during challenging times.

o   Volunteering may help us stay or get physically fit. Studies have demonstrated that those who volunteer have a lower mortality rate than those who do not.  Volunteering has also been shown to lessen the symptoms of chronic pain and heart disease. We need to get off the couch, away from the television and out into the world. 

o   Volunteering as a family can have a whole host of benefits. Children watch what adults do and if we are involved in the community and helping others, they may be more likely to follow in our footsteps. We can demonstrate how our efforts to help others and the community are worthwhile and makes a difference. It is a way to enact change. It is also a great way to get to know about community resources and expand our family’s connections within the community.

·         We are provided opportunities to learn or develop new skills. We may discover something we are really good at and we may develop a new skill. It is never too late to learn new skills and learning needs to be ongoing throughout our lifetime. Planning and implementing a fundraising event can develop our goal setting, budgeting, and planning skills. Supervising and training other volunteers may assist us with developing supervisory and training skills.  Painting a mural or making posters or banners to advertise community events may lead us to discover our artistic abilities. All in all, with volunteering we may enhance these important skills: problem solving; communication; teamwork; project planning; task management; and organization. 

·         Volunteering can enhance our career opportunities. All the skills mentioned above can lead to being a better employee for any organization and to top things off we will possibly get our foot in the door with specific organizations. Organizations will recognize our talents and willingness to be a part of a team and may consider us for positions within their organizations.

·         Volunteering brings fun and fulfillment to our lives. It provides us with a way to explore our interests and passions. Volunteering can afford us with opportunities to get a break from the day to day responsibilities and can give us a chance to renew or rekindle our creativity, motivation, and vision that can spill over into our personal and professional life. People with a desk job may volunteer to help maintain a hiking trail in order to give them an opportunity to get outside. 

Most of us have busy lives; but we need to do our part for our communities. The benefits of volunteering are colossal.  I have met a lot of great people because of my volunteering activities and there were so many times in which I felt my assistance has been needed. I have learned a lot also. We all have time we can spare.  By turning off the television for a few extra hours a week or other ways in which we are wasting time, we can do so much more for ourselves and our communities.  

I Will Never Forget

I never will forget the v. scene
That came upon my T.V. screen
The fire, the smoke, the cries, the screams
I will never forget.
The men, the women, dying there,
the maniacs who did not care
our own were weapons from the air!
I will never forget.
I saw the mighty towers fall,
the brave responding to the call,
Americans who stood so tall!
I will never forget.
Searching, searching everywhere!
Clutching hope, we had to dare
that we would find life lingering there,
I will never forget.
The heroes of Flight 93
conquered fear with bravery,
died for those they'd never see,
I will never forget.
"Let's Roll," became their battle cry,
now tears and questions, asking why
so many, many had to die!
I will never forget.
The lives lost at the Pentagon
because of cowards they are gone,
to honor them, we carry on,
and never will forget.
Our flag is flying everywhere,
and more lips form words of prayer,
patriot songs ring through the air,
so we will not forget.
May we have the strength to mend and heal
our broken hearts, and let us feel
a unity
and love that's real.
America! Do not forget!

By: Emma Killgbeck

Note: 9/11 was a sad day for many and we need to keep the fallen in our prayers.

Effective Communication Skills

“Early impressions are hard to eradicate from the mind,

when once wool has been dyed purple, who can

restore it to its previous whiteness?”

Saint Jerome

Our communication skills reflect who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, and believe. Possessing effective communication skills will open a lot of doors for us. Our communication needs to be clear and concise. During our childhood and later in our lives we may have observed and learned how to communicate in negative, indirect or avoidant ways in order to protect ourselves and others and we may have had trouble talking about the things we saw, about our thoughts and feelings, and letting people know what we want and need.   We may find ourselves having a difficult time sharing information about ourselves with others. If they get to know the real us they won’t want to be in our company. Our inability to communicate can cause challenges in all areas of our lives including with our families, and at work. Reciprocity of positive exchange between two people has been frequently indicated as the single most important ingredient in a good relationship. Our communication skills are pertinent indicators concerning establishing and maintaining satisfactory relationships.

            Here are some communication styles to avoid:

·         Sarcasm represented by bitter comments which can make the other person feel bad.

·         Judgmental messages which include the “you” message involving communicating with the other person in an accusatory manner.

·         Using hurtful labels such as stupid and lazy.

·         Reminding the other person of things they have done in the past, especially negative things. We usually like to hear about the positive things.

·         Using negative comparisons such as comparing a person to another person. For example, “If only you could be as smart as your brother.”

·         Blaming.

·         Making threatening statements.

·         Giving unsolicited advice.

·         Provoking others to induce anger.

·         Not being genuine, saying things we think the other person wants to hear.

·         Apologizing for bothering people.

·         Trying to manipulate people to get them to do what we want them to do.

·         Talking in cynical, self-degrading, and/or hostile ways.

·         Finding it difficult to get to the point.

Examples of Healthy Communication:

·         Observations involving telling someone else what we saw, heard, read, or experienced. For example, “I had tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch” or “I like to spend time with you.”

·         Describing thoughts consisting of telling about conclusions we have drawn from things we have observed or experienced and these reports include value judgments, wishes, and needs.

·         Feelings represent our expression of emotions. They may be difficult to share because others may not want to hear about them. People’s reactions may include boredom or they may become upset. We can’t let this deter us because they will get to know us better by learning about our feelings.

·         Sharing what our needs are with others let’s others know what is important to us.  Discussing what our needs are can be difficult especially if we have been abused because we are not in the habit of asking for or getting what we need. When we need something use upfront statements such as “I need to have some time to myself.”

·         Another form of communication involves stating what we want. Our wants may be small such as wanting a pair of earrings that match a shirt or larger such as a new job. We may have difficulty differentiating between wants and needs. We may also feel like we don’t deserve to have wants. We need to drop those damaging thoughts and consider ourselves entitled to wants like anybody else. We also deserve to have fun and we deserve to want an easier life. Perhaps we want to have a more interesting life. Wants may include for example, “I want to go to the beach” or “I want to read a good book.”

Principles for Positive Communication:

·         Use “I” messages such as “I feel angry” or “I like being with you.”

·         Provide whole messages that include all the important parts of information. 

·         Ask yourself these following questions:

o   What do I need to communicate?

o   What am I afraid to say?

o   What am I observing, thinking, or wanting in this communication?

o   What is the purpose of this conversation?

o   Is the stated purpose the same as my intended purpose?

The practice of active listening:

            Listening intently to others does not just happen; it is a very important process involved in communication. Hearing a sound is an automatic response, while listening is a voluntary action. A process occurs involving the brain and allows us to become more active listeners.  The process involves four parts which are:

·         Receiving Information.

·         Focusing on the information.

·         Developing an understanding of the information.

·         Reacting to the information received.

We need to take a moment to listen to the things around us. Think of a car horn, we heard the sound of horn. It does not mean we were intently listening, it only means we were in range of the sound. If we turned down the radio, we are focusing on the sound of the horn representing the beginning of the listening process. We have to make a voluntary decision to do more than only hearing the sound. We understand what the sound is and our brain relates to the sound as something we heard before. Finally we react to what we have heard.  For example, are we expected to slow down or pull over as a reaction to the sound of the horn? 

Again, listening is the most important feature of communication. Our ability to be understood is contingent on our ability to listen. Effective listening will positively impact our personal and professional relationships. Effective listening will put us in the driver seat concerning how the information is received during a conversation. Also being an efficient listener will give us a heads up concerning some potential problems that may surface in the near or distant future. Being an effective listener will make others feel special and cared about. The other person will feel valued. Active listening will provide us with more opportunities to gain more information and make sound decisions.  

The benefits of active listening:

·         We will gain an understanding of matters at a deeper level.

·         We will have more resources which will enable us to make sound decisions.

·         We are better able to help others. When we are going through difficult times, the best way to deal with those situations is to help others. Helping others can redirect our thoughts from what we are going through to what we can do for others; thus, clearing our mind to make decisions.

·         We will obtain more of the help we need when our relationships are based on reciprocity (mutual exchanges). When we expect others to listen to us and we don’t listen to them, they are going to be less likely to be willing to help us.

·         We are able to participate in more activities and life in general because we know more.

·         We will be more capable of resolving conflicts and reducing problems. 

·         We can enhance our self-esteem.

So many of us state that we are open minded; however, most of us can only be open-minded concerning things we are comfortable with or know. It does take time and effort to become an active listener. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time. A lot of time we are thinking about what we are going to say next while the other person is speaking. That is not active listening. Active listening requires practicing the art of being silent. To listen deeply and fully, we must train our minds to stay focused on the person who is speaking, not only on the other person’s words but also on their facial expressions and body language. This will take practice. While working on this skill, examine places in which we will be actively talking and practice being silent during these times, just listen.  

Another obstacle many of us have to overcome is jumping to conclusions or prejudging a situation before knowing all the facts associated with the situation. Let the person fully explain what he or she has to say and carefully digest what is being said.  

Here are some helpful tips:

·         Avoid jumping to conclusions.

·         Listen to what was said and what was not said. Pay attention to body language to obtain the full meaning of what is being said.

·         Do not overreact; give the speaker a chance to tell the whole story.

·         Leave our emotions and prejudices behind.

·         Most importantly, give the communicator our complete attention.

·         Stop talking unless a response is expected.

·         Listen for intent (feeling).  A person’s tone of voice can be another clue to how he or she is actually feeling.

·         Listen for content (facts).  Listen as if we have to explain what is being said to someone else. Can we summarize or paraphrase what is being said?

Most people can handle accepting praise and appreciate constructive criticism.  Few of us 

find pleasure in condemnation and harsh, vindictive criticism. It is not healthy to only be accepting of praise and ignore criticism. We can accept criticism as a helpful learning tool. If we do so, we add valuable lessons that can be learned from constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is advice that is useful, practical, and justifiable. It is criticism that is supported by facts and experience. A helpful criticism is sharing information about a resource that will make someone’s life easier such as recommending a job search program instead of relying on the local newspaper. An example of a harsh and vindictive criticism would be telling someone that they are embarrassed to be seen with him or her. There is nothing learned or gained by the latter, only harm was done. Praise and constructive criticism can serve as part of our learning process. 

In order to form healthy relationships, we need to build and maintain communication skills conducive to a mutual give and take process for every conversation. Abuse in this lifetime and historical trauma may have negatively impacted our ability to communicate appropriately. We can learn how to share our feelings, needs, and wants in a positive manner. Active listening will help us more than we can ever imagine and it permits us to be more active in our own life and the lives of those we care about. It gives us more opportunities to gather information and data that will be helpful to us. The most important reason to actively listen and enhance our communication skills is to build stronger, more productive, and more caring relationships with others. 

           

Age-Proof Your Braiin

Most of us eventually develop plagues and tangles in our rains, warning of Alzheimer’s disease. But new research says you can counteract their effects by living a life with purpose. “Someone who is focused on having meaningful experiences has about 30% less cognitive decline over 10 years,” says researcher Patricia Boyle, PhD, of Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. To join their ranks, volunteer, travel, or tutor a child. “Positive behaviors promote cognitive health as we age,” Dr. Boyle says.

Source: Prevention. September 2012 Issue.