The Pyramid Wars

The subject of death carried a lot of mystery and respect for the ancient Egyptians. Their belief in rebirth after death provided them with the motivation to perform specific funeral practices. The elite were often mummified and buried with precious heirlooms they could bring with them to the afterlife. Mummification involved removing the internal organs and wrapping the body in linen. According to the Ancient Egyptians, death only served as a temporary interruption. In order to ensure eternal life, they had to honor the gods, preserve their physical form through mummification and utilize the appropriate funeral equipment.  The dead were buried in a rectangular stone sarcophagus or a wooden coffin.

Seth, under the pretense of meeting Osiris’ needs regarding his future burial, hired an artisan to build a sarcophagus for Osiris. The sarcophagus was being presented as a gift to Osiris from his devoted subjects. Osiris was touched by the thoughtfulness.

Osiris and Seth possessed many god-like qualities and were known to have come from the planet Nibiru, the 12^th Planet. They were equally matched in abilities and strength.  Seth, ruthless with his dangerous schemes, led Osiris to fear his brother.  His attacks were continuous and occurred when Osiris would least expect them. These two highly advanced and intelligent beings served as an ominous threat to any of their adversaries. They performed various feats of magic to impress their followers such as levitating, disappearing into thin air and altering their size to giant size or minute beings at the snap of their fingers, whatever the situation called for. Seth had his eye on the prize, the throne. Osiris, a fair and kind ruler, was favored by his subjects.  Many of Osiris’ subjects helped protect him from his brother and his brother’s allies.  Most of the inhabitants in Egypt did not want Seth to become their ruler.

Amil, the artisan asked Osiris to climb into the sarcophagus to see if it fit.

“I will be more than happy to try out this wonderful gift,” replied Osiris.

The minute he was inside, the top was placed on it and it was latched. The sarcophagus was lined with copper and silver to prevent Osiris from using his magic to release himself from his prison. The sarcophagus was delivered to the deepest part of the Red Sea. Without air, food and other necessities, Osiris eventually died a long and agonizing death.

Isis, Osiris’ wife, and her sister Nepthys, who happened to be married to Seth, searched high and low and finally located Osiris. They brought Osiris to the bank of the sea and opened the sarcophagus. One of Isis’ gifts included bringing beings back to life. Isis performed her magic and Osiris was brought back to life.

Seth was furious and began scheming again on how he was going to kill Osiris. Seth transformed himself into a vicious monster and attacked Osiris, killing him. Seth then cut Osiris into 14 pieces and distributed them all over Egypt. With Osiris dead, Seth became king of Egypt again. Nepthys felt sorry for her sister Isis, who wept endlessly over her lost husband. She decided to accompany Isis in her search for Osiris.

            Seven scorpions, provided by the goddess Selket, escorted Isis during her flight in search of her husband. She was weary and wanted to rest one evening and stopped at the home of a peasant woman and her children. The woman did not want to let Isis into her home. One of the scorpions, Tefen, decided to slip under the door and he stung one of the woman’s children. Isis heard the woman crying over the loss of her child so she forgave the woman for turning her away. She entered the home and laid a hand on the child and brought him back to life.     

            “You can stay at my home since you saved my child,” said the grateful woman.

            “Thank you. I am very tired after my long journey and need to get a good night’s sleep.”

            Isis, who possessed great magical powers, continued to look for her husband so she could bring him back to life long enough so that they could have a child. Together with Nepthys, Isis roamed the country, collecting the pieces of her husband’s body and reassembling them. Nephthys was known as a protective goddess. She was seen with her sister Isis more than with her spouse Seth. They found the pieces of Osiris body and they put him back together. Once they completed this task, Isis breathed the breath of life into Osiris’ body and resurrected him. They were together again, and Isis became pregnant soon after. Osiris descended into the underworld, where he became the lord of that domain.        

            Isis gave birth to their son after a long labor alone in the swamps of the Delta. The child born to Isis was named Horus, the hawk-god. Seth learned about the birth of Horus and knew Horus would eventually cause problems for him so Seth and his legions of demons searched high and low to no avail. Isis could only seek food at night while accompanied by her bodyguards,  the seven scorpions, Isis and Selket nurtured and educated Horus to prepare him for adulthood. Finally, Horus became strong enough to challenge his uncle for his father’s kingdom.

Horus decided to make a case before the court of gods that he, not Seth, was the rightful king of Egypt.

“My father, who was killed by Seth, was the rightful ruler. I am Osiris’ son. I should be the king of Egypt.”

Seth countered Horus and said, “I have been the lawful ruler for years and have brought Egypt much prosperity.”

The gods agreed with Seth.

Seth remained the ruler because of his experience. The court considered Horus too young and he lacked experience to become the ruler.

Seth may have had a dark side but he was also known for his association with the thunder god, Baal. Many rulers took his name associating themselves with his strength. Seth served alongside Ra the sun god when he was on his journey through the night. He defended Ra from the serpent Apophis. Seth represented the balance in the universe concerning the concept of duality, good and evil. Seth would appear as a hippopotamus on occasion. The hippopotamus was regarded as a symbol of positive feminine morality.

            A long period of argument followed, and Seth challenged Horus to a contest. The winner would become king. Seth, however, did not play fair. After several matches in which Seth cheated and was the victor, Horus’ mother, Isis, decided to help her son set a trap for Seth. She snared him, but Seth begged for his life, and Isis let him go. When he found out that she had let his enemy live, Horus became angry with his mother, and raged against her, earning him the contempt of the other gods. Isis was referred to as the “Universal Mother” to the Egyptian people. The goddess served as a representation of the devoted wife and mother. She not only used her powers to restore life, she also helped mothers and children in many ways.

            They decided that there would be one more match, and Seth would get to choose what it would be. Seth decided that the final round of the contest would be a boat race. However, in order to make the contest a challenge, Seth decided that he and Horus should race boats made of stone. Horus was tricky and built a boat made of wood, covered with limestone plaster, which looked like stone. As the gods assembled for the race, Seth cut the top off of a mountain to serve as his boat and set it in the water. His boat sank right away, and all the other gods laughed at him.

            Angry, Seth transformed himself into a hippopotamus and attacked Horus’ boat. Horus fought off Seth, but the other gods stopped him before he killed Seth. The officiating gods decided that the match was a tie. Many of the gods were sympathetic to Horus, but remembered his anger toward his mother for being lenient to Seth, and were unwilling to support him completely. The gods who formed the court decided to write a letter to Osiris and ask for his advice. Osiris responded with a definite answer: his son is the rightful king, and should be placed upon the throne. No one, said Osiris, should take the throne of Egypt through an act of murder, as Seth had done. Seth had killed Osiris, but Horus did not kill anyone, and was the better candidate. The sun and the stars, who were Osiris’ allies, descended into the underworld, leaving the world in darkness.

            Finally, the gods agreed that Horus should claim his birthright as king of Egypt. Light was returned to Earth. He assumed the Atef crown and took over the thrown of his father, Osiris. Horus was known as the “King of men” and his father was granted the kingdom of the dead and known as the “King of eternity.” The family has died. Osiris died in truth and served as a star in the sky. Isis is the dog-star. Horus is Orion (Erman, 1971).

            Horus eventually forgave his mother after much prompting by the gods.

            Horus was known to bring unity in the lands of Egypt. He brought a kingdom out of the depths of chaos and returned it back to harmony. Horus was worshipped by many future rulers including Ramesses II. Temples were built in honor of Horus, Isis and Osiris. The ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses fought to maintain control of Egypt for centuries. These superior beings were written about in the cuneiform tablets and described as part of the overnight development of the Egyptian kingdom. A link existed between the aliens from Nibiru, the Annunaki, and the ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses. Ra/Marduk was the firstborn son of Enki and the ancient Egyptians worshipped Ra, as their sun god.

           

Enki and Enlil were born to Anu, the king of Nibiru. Enki’s mother was not of royal lineage. Even though Enki was Anu’s firstborn, he was not given command of Africa and Sumer, Enlil was because Enlil’s mother was of royal lineage. The story of Enlil and Enki is like the story of Lucifer and Archangel Michael or Cain and Abel. Enlil ruled with an iron fist and did not have the best interests of his subjects in mind when he ruled. While Enki was more fair and kind hearted.

            Astronomy, physics and engineering, Enki’s areas of expertise, led to the building of the spaceport at the Senai Peninsula. Enki was placed in charge of the spaceport and his other engineering marvels. He studied the humans and used his expertise to create more intelligent humans. Hard feelings rose as a result of Enki listening to the complaints of the Annunaki who rebelled against the hard toil of excavating the gold from the mines. As a result of their complaints, Enki decided to create a more capable and intelligent working class of humans to do the work for the Annunaki. Enlil was furious when Enki succeeded at this task and had the backing of their father, Anu. Enlil despised the humans and wanted them eliminated.  Enlil and his armed forces took over the properties that were under Enki’s command.

            Seth, who was on Enki’s team, decided to invade Canaan and take over the all space related properties such as Giza, the Sinai Peninsula and Jerusalem which put these areas under the rule of the Enki gods. The Enlilites were beside themselves and decided this problem needed to be resolved. 300 years went by before a war was launched, the second Pyramid war. The Enkiites fought hard against the Enlilites. The Enlilites forces were led by Ninurta, his fighting abilities were formidable. The Enkiites lost the war. The rule of Giza, the Senai Peninsula and Jerusalem returned to Enlil.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Setting Boundaries

 

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

            Boundaries signify the beginning and end to some-thing and represent the integrity of the self.  A boundary is in its simplest form, a property line. The boundaries we set regulate the closeness and distance in our relationships and set the standards in which we maintain our privacy and our personal space. In intimate relationships there is less distance than in other relationships such as with our coworkers, friends and family. By establishing boundaries, we maintain our privacy, our personal space, integrity and mutual respect in all of our relationships.

            A cell membrane is a good example of a boundary which allows connection and an exchange with the outside; but also polices what comes in. In other words, boundaries need to be flexible, not too rigid or too permeable.

Trauma usually involves intrusion and boundary violations whether the trauma consists of natural disasters or physical violence. If we have been repeatedly traumatized by other people, we are likely to have difficulty establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries. An extreme boundary vio-lation involves physical and sexual assault.  Another harmful boundary violation harsh defaming attacks in an attempt to make us feel inferior. Maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for people who have been traumatized. If we are experiencing weak boundaries, we may invite further harm.

            Home owners need to be aware of property lines and respecting these boundaries are a prerequisite for being a good neighbor. We need to consider our entire being as a beautiful home, beautiful inside and out. It is important to only let those we trust inside the doors of our home and not allow our home to be damaged.  Boundaries are like doors, gates, and windows and they are put into place to make us feel safe. We may have also convinced ourselves we are powerless to close the doors.

            Perhaps the door to our home has remained open and we have been exposed to dangerous traumatic activity for a long time, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually, and/or emotionally. Or we may have locked the door so tightly that no one can enter the doors to our home. Perhaps we no longer let fresh air into our home and our life has become stale and our health is declining because we are not doing anything to beautify the inside of our home. 

            If our boundaries have been violated, we are often sensitive to the boundaries of others.  We may feel extreme-ly hesitant to intrude or place any demands on others.  We may keep our distance. We may not call, visit or ask for help. Or on the other hand, we may be blind to others boundaries and violate their boundaries right and left. We may lack a sense of privacy and intrude on another’s privacy. We may use others’ property without asking or place unreasonable demands on them. Then we may be surprised if called out concerning our intrusive behaviors. We may allow others to exploit and use us (Cloud and Townsend, 1992). 

When traumatic experiences occurred in our lives and the lives of family members and our ancestors, the trauma can be equated with a house with its doors and windows blown open and our home is exposed to all the elements. Healing can begin to occur when we learn to put healthy boundaries into place. These boundaries can be opened and closed upon our choosing. We are in control. We can learn how to keep out people who don’t have our best interests in mind. Sometimes we feel trapped into feeling we have no choice but to remain in certain situations no matter how dangerous these circumstances are for us. Programs do exist to provide us with assistance if we are contemplating leaving a situation. 

            A life without healthy boundaries can result in a whole host of problems such as isolation, confusion, guilt, helplessness, and above all, a life that is out of control. Many of us have become a master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others. We also try to do a good job of parenting, being married, our jobs, and our relationships. Part of taking responsibility is to know what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for concerning any facet of our lives from the workplace to other relationships. Employees who take on more than their share of responsibilities soon become burned out and resentful.

            When we take care of other people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore our own needs, wants and feelings. We put ourselves on the shelf and we may get so busy taking care of others that we put our entire lives on hold. We may feel harried and overcommitted and end up not enjoying any of our activities. We may be working for tyrannical bosses. By taking on so much responsibility, we don’t assume accountability for our most important task, ourselves. When we consistently give more than we receive, we wonder why, when we anticipate the needs of others, no one notices our needs. We may become depressed when our needs are not being met. We may feel safer when giving than receiving. We need to overcome this obstacle.

In our desire to do the right thing, or to avoid conflict, we take on problems which are not our responsibility such as a parent’s chronic loneliness, our friends or family member’s never ending crises, our bosses’ irresponsibility; and/or our spouse’s immaturity. Then we double the problems in our lives by our inability to say no. Any confusion concerning responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as landowners create boundaries to protect their property, we need to set physical, spiritual, emotional, economical, and mental boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish between what is our responsibility and what is not.

 

When confronted with a boundary issue, here are some questions that may come up:

 

1.      Can I set boundaries and still be a caring person?

2.      What are healthy boundaries?

3.      What if someone takes exception concerning my boundaries?

4.      How do I respond to someone who wants my time, money or energy?

5.      How can I get rid of my guilty feelings when I set boundaries (Cloud and Townsend, 1992)?

 

Sometimes we may develop codependency issues. Codependency involves feeling responsible for another per-son’s feelings. We place ourselves as a keeper of their happiness. If they are not happy, we cannot be happy. Happiness is a choice. We cannot assume the feelings and problems of others at the cost of our own sanity. Codependency is symbolized by being overly concerned with another’s happiness as if our own happiness is contingent on another’s source of contentment. If we are experiencing codependency issues we may exhibit some of the following:

 

·         Find ourselves attracted to needy people.

·         Feel angry if our assistance isn’t effective.

·         Over commit ourselves.

·         Feel harried and pressured. 

·         Feel insecure and guilty when others give to the person we are helping.

·         Feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and fate. 

·         Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injus-tices done to ourselves.

·         Finding ourselves saying yes when we mean to say no, doing things we don’t want to do, doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

·         Feel pity, anxiety, and guilt when other people have a problem.

·         Feel safest when giving.

·         Feel compelled to help a person solve a problem by offering unsolicited advice, giving a lot of suggestions, or trying to fix feelings.

·         Not knowing what we want or need, or if we do, we tell ourselves our needs and wants are not important.

·         Blame others for the predicament that the people we are helping are in.

·         Anticipate others’ needs on a regular basis at the expense of ignoring our own (Beattie, 1992).

 

It is important to realize it is time to take care of ourselves and we cannot afford to take on the problems and feelings of others. Earlier boundaries were referred to as property lines. If we know where the property lines are, we can find out who owns the land. In relationships, ownership is also very important. If we know where the boundaries are in our relationships, we begin to know who owns things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. If there is a problem we begin to understand who the problem belongs to as well as who needs to deal with specific problems. 

Families and individuals who have suffered years and years of historical trauma have developed dysfunctional ways in which to deal with the problems that cross their path. Not being able to separate from others concerning thoughts, feelings, and desires is an ego boundary issue. Our ego is what we are consciously aware of and most readily attend to at the present moment.  A person in this context is someone who can think, feel and is willing to distinguish themselves from others. When we come across a problem which is someone else’s, we need to say without sacrificing empathy and compassion for this person that the problem is their problem and not ours. If we can help the person without making substantial sacrifices to our own personal well-being, do so. Otherwise, turn things over to the universe.

Here are some suggestions for separating ourselves from other people’s problems:

 

·         Remind ourselves about the worthlessness of worry.

·         When we are not with our friends, ac-quaintances, family and co-workers; but we are still thinking about their problems, prac-tice thought stopping. 

·         When listening to another’s problems, picture ourselves with a special shield around us. Love and caring can go out from us through the shield, but stress from their problems is blocked from coming in.

·         Practice visualizing leaving their problems with them.  After we have listened to their problems, walk away from them. 

·         Remind ourselves that caring about someone and taking on their problems are two different things. Taking on someone else’s worries doesn’t help them; it just drains our energy which we could be using to be good listener or for staying healthy in our own life. Remember we have our own challenges to be concerned about (Beattie, 1992).

 

            In conclusion, it is important to set healthy boundaries between family members and any other people in our lives in order to stay on the road to healing. To develop an understanding of what responsibilities we are in charge of and what can be turned over to others is vital because the problems they are facing are their responsibility. Many of us are caring, compassionate people and strive to take on the problems of others and try to fix them. When we are on our healing journey, we need to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion.

 

 

 

 

Developing Effective Coping Skills

 

“I was always willing to take a great deal

of the burden of getting along in life on my

own shoulders, but I wasn’t willing to give

myself a pat on the back.  I was always looking

to somebody else to do that. That was all wrong.”

Raquel Welch

 Developing effective coping skills assists us with weathering the storm unresolved trauma has created for us. When we are in the survival mode, our systems are in a state of chaos, and we are usually experiencing deep pain, emotionally and often physically. If we could visualize our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical state, especially if we have suffered from chronic trauma, it would appear as a disorganized mess. A good example of this state might be the condition of a teenager’s room after a long period of time of not picking up after themselves. Just like the teenager’s messy room, nothing is accounted for or where it should be. Try to find the lost white sock in that mess. It’s next to impossible. Because of PTSD, shame issues and other anxiety-based challenges we may have experienced, our coping skills may need fine tuning.

When a trigger is encountered, it is next to impos-sible to pull out of our skills tool box the necessary tool to handle that specific trigger. The tools may be disorganized and have been worn to the point of being non-usable after years of over use. Developing coping skills will serve as a buffer as we weather the storm. 

Life is filled with good and bad things. There are two ways to cope with life’s challenges: acceptance and resistance. Acceptance is permitting events to unfold around us and reacting spontaneously. Conversely, resistance is fighting against the natural order of circumstances. Going against the natural order will create a lot of wear and tear on our bodies and speeds up the aging process. Looking at all situations as part of our life journey and realizing there is no such thing as a perfect life is a great way to cope with life stressors. Each situation, good or bad, consists of valuable lessons. Learning how to deal with difficult people and challenging situations in our lives will help us look at a future filled with happier prospects and life will become more manageable.

Treat everyone with respect even if their behaviors are challenging. Smile even if we don’t feel like smiling. Let go of insisting on being right, this can cause a lot of grief for us. When we enhance our spirituality, we will realize the universe knows the truth so we don’t have to prove we are right, very liberating. There is our truth, their truth and the actual truth. 

Establishing good coping skills will assist us with handling any given situation. The most common response to difficult situations is to avoid similar circumstances rather than learning how to handle uncomfortable conditions differently. Avoidance of certain situations spares us from considering our actions and may trigger anxiety every time we are in a similar situation. Good coping skills can protect us from the harmful effects of challenging circumstances. When developing coping skills, we need to examine when we experienced uncomfortable feelings and what caused those feelings to surface (Schiraldi, 2000).

We cannot change or fix anyone else. We can only change our reactions to their behaviors. We can examine our relationships. Confrontations may occur because we both thought we were not getting our way or we were taking the problems in our lives out on each other. We can change our beliefs to their problems are not our problems. Another trap many of us fall into is thinking that others should think like we do and they should treat us the same way we treat them. 

Let’s face it, there are people who are going to be difficult. So we can envision challenging situations and practice what we could say and how we can handle difficult situations in a more proactive manner with a friend and/or close family member. You can role play with a person who is providing you with support. If you don’t have this sup-port, pretend a person is there and role play by yourself. If it helps, look at yourself in the mirror as you practice how you would handle difficult situations. Replay a situation involving confrontation and reenact the situation with a dif-ferent way of dealing with the difficult circumstance. 

            Personalities and events differ. We can move through these stages as we recover from traumatic exper-iences:

 

·         Accepting the event.

·         Grieving losses.

·         Adjusting to a new reality.

·         Moving on from the event.

·         Having faith in a brighter future (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

 

If we are having trouble coping with our feelings, these strategies may help:

 

·         Find a way to help others.

·         Keep the event in perspective.  Focus on our daily routines and responsibilities which can give us strength and a sense of purpose.

·         Learn the signs and symptoms of Post Trau-matic Stress Disorder and other common reac-tions to extreme stress which can help us realize we are not alone.

·         Talk with family, friends and other supportive individuals about our traumatic experiences and our response to those experiences.

·         Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga and muscle relax-ation exercises (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

 

            The following sample coping statements may help if we are facing a fearful situation:

·         I am willing to go outside my comfort zone and I will be okay.

·         I have handled this situation before and I can handle it again.

·         This too will pass.

·         I am going to be alright. I have succeeded before.

·         There is no right way to do this. Whatever happens I will be fine.

·         Whatever I do, I will put forth my best effort.

·         I can think about a peaceful place as I am going through this difficult situation. (I had to pretend I was on a beach soaking up the sun when I was in an MRI machine.)

·         This is an opportunity for me to learn how to become comfortable in this situation (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

 

Develop an area in our home we consider a quiet sanctuary or safe place. Usually, it is our bedrooms. This place needs to be free from regular traffic of family members. Take a few minutes from your busy day for me time to recharge your battery. Close your eyes and clear your mind for a few minutes. That few minutes can enable us to give our loved ones the attention they needed. 

            We can change our perspectives of what is going on in our lives. Using off the wall responses to reply to insulting and harmful behaviors of others along with telling ourselves happy people don’t hurt other people represent ways of changing our perspective. Scrutinize what is behind the actions of people who are being difficult. Look at why we are reacting to specific situations the way we are. Force ourselves to smile when we do not feel like smiling. Make the realization that nobody has a perfect life and adopt effective coping skills to make our lives more manageable.

The Blame Trap

 

“When you cast blame, you disempower yourself

and relinquish control of your destiny.”

Kirk Charles

 Finding fault with others stops us from taking control and effectively handling difficult situations. It wastes our energy and time instead of exploring how we can positively influence the situation. We have chosen to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. In other words, blaming keeps us from imposing corrective action. Blame and fault finding serve no useful purpose in emergencies or our everyday lives. It involves finger pointing. Whenever we point our index finger at someone else we need to remind ourselves that three fingers are pointing back at us. So in essence we need to ask ourselves “What role did I play in this situation?” or “What did I do to perpetuate this situation?” Instead of finding fault, we can use our precious time to seek solutions.                                                                               

          When we hear ourselves blaming or finding fault with others we can be assured that we are still keeping ourselves infused in the grip of the blame trap and we are not fully accepting the vast amount of opportunities awaiting for us. We have been conditioned to compare, rate, score, judge, and assign value to movies, oranges, music, furniture, cars, people, animals,  professional sports teams, and so much more. We discuss good and bad, beautiful and ugly, skinny and fat. We notice gorgeous, awful, stupid, wonderful, nice, better, the worse and the best. Nothing seems to escape the critical, judgmental, evaluative mindset of this country (Sherfield, 2004).

            Blaming others is a good example of our con-ditioning which has provided us with a means of not taking responsibility. It is a way of using language to assign ownership to someone else for the choices we made. As a result of blaming others, we have given up our personal power and put them in the driver’s seat. We give them the power, rendering ourselves powerless and out of control which prevents us from examining our role in any given situation and diverting responsibility (White, 2008).

                       

Some examples to help us decide if we are residing in the blaming trap are:

 

·         “It’s my parents’ fault. They were too abusive.”

·         “My spouse’s abuse ruined my life.”

·         “My boss is the boss from hell” (Coleman and Harris, 2000).

 

            Self-criticizing will trap us in the blame game. Self-criticism comes in various forms: second guessing; self put-downs; and using adjectives to describe ourselves, such as “I am fat.” We need to move from describing ourselves to describing our behaviors. Think back to our childhoods. Many of us were called a bad kid because we did something like track mud into the house. It would have been better to be scolded for not taking our shoes off at the door? Another example, we could say “I am not fun” and change it to “I was not fun last night.” See the difference. We are not attacking our entire being, only one behavior. 

            Second guessing is very easy to recognize because we add shoulds and should nots to our conversations. Avoid using the word should. We can’t change the past so we may as well learn from each and every experience. 

            Accepting reality is one the goals of many healing modalities. Facing and coming to term with reality is beneficial. Acceptance is frequently the turning point for positive change. We have many things to accept through the course of any given day. Our present circumstances include who we are, where we live and who we live with, where we work, our mode of transportation, how much money we have, what our responsibilities are, what we may do for fun, and any existing problems. Sometimes accepting the things in our life can be a breeze when things are going well, then it is when things are not going so well (Sherfield, 2004).

            When dealing with unresolved trauma, we may feel overwhelmed by problems, losses or change. Even our healing journey can reveal losses we are struggling to accept. If some things in our lives have not been going well, we may have accepted a life filled with these problems. We need to understand acceptance does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation concerning the problems we are facing. It means we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including our-selves and the people in our lives, as we are and as they are. It is only from the state of acceptance we can achieve the ability to evaluate our present situation. 

            We have been conditioned to judge so many things that cross our paths from sport teams to cars. If we fall into the blame trap, we limit our opportunities to enhance our skills at handling difficult situations. Avoid using the word should will allow us to be in the present moment instead of hanging out in the past or our reaction to the past. Getting past our need to self-criticize ourselves will free us from our self-hatred prisons. We need to be careful to only judge our behaviors and not our entire being. Taking responsibility for everything life has to offer places us in control.   

 

 

Family Myths and Distortions

 

Our life is like a journey on which,

as we advance, the landscape takes

on a different view from that which it

presented itself at first, and changes

again, as we come nearer.

Arthur Schopenhauer

 

Family myths and distortions serve as a smoke screen in hopes of keeping others from knowing the reality of what is really going on in our lives. These myths and distortions are used to hide abuse and cover up specific information about relationships within the family. You’ve heard about the families in which the woman is chasing her husband in the front yard swinging a frying pan. Their problems are aired in public for the world to see.  However, that is not usually the case. There is a lot of shame associated with abuse. If we tell ourselves something enough times it becomes reality. We need to take off the rose-colored glasses. I was attended a conference and the key speaker was Claudia Black. The topic that was addressed was the plight of adult children of alcoholics. A person sitting next to me made reference to her childhood as being perfect. Claudia Black invited anyone who believed they had the perfect childhood to come to the front of the room and that belief would be challenged. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood. We are imperfect beings raised by imperfect beings. Again, it is vital for us to view our past by utilizing an honest approach. 

To begin the process of seeing our families as it really was and is, take the view from an advantageous position of an outsider and how they would view our family. Many of us carried the belief that our parents were supposed to be kind and loving even if those perceptions were not real. We can begin to realize we were born to parents who had to contend with their own baggage. Some of those bags were really heavy. 

We need to take the time to explore our lives and the lives of our families of origin. Here are some things to ponder:

 

·         Describe our families as if we were seeing our family from the perspective of someone else outside of our family unit.

·         What is the true story of our families?

·         How did it feel to examine the true story about our families?

·         Why do we think we felt this way?

·         We need to consider who taught us these myths? Were we permitted to talk about the problems our family was facing?

·         What was the intention of this myth?  What was it meant to accomplish? 

Who or what was the myth and distortion suppose to protect?

·         How has this myth or distortion affected our lives?  We may pursue relationships that are destructive because we have not established a firm grasp of our family of origin.

·         Develop a positive outcome as a result of realizing the myths or distortions concerning our families. For example, our self-esteem has been more enhanced due to our journey of healing and as a result we are able to have a healthier relationships (Copeland and Har-ris, 2000).

 

There are so many families existing in a continuum of abuse while at least one of the parents is a pillar of the community. A lot of the priests, who were written about by Podles in Sacrilege: Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church, were pillars in the community. Community members were aware of the honorable services they provided for the community and were not aware of their pedophile tendencies. There have been times noted of other prominent members of communities who were being abusive to their own children. In the public eye they are honored for their positions such as serving in roles of surgeons and clergy. Who is going to believe someone who is saying they have been abused by such an outstanding member of a com-munity?

Family myths and distortions are useful tools for hiding things we feel shame about from the rest of the world in an effort to conceal the ugly truth about our current and past relationships. Many of us have done so to try to fit in some place away from the abusive situation. Legislation is more readily enforced concerning child abuse, neglect and domestic violence. No one deserves, no matter what the circumstances are, to be abused and used in sick ways. It is important to conduct a reality check of our current and past experiences in order to heal from these circumstances.