Relaxation Techniques

 

Muscle tension and tension in general is a common physical and emotional symptom of trauma. Muscle relaxation and breathing exercises can help release some of the tension and actually help us sleep. Loosening our muscles can relax our bodies and in turn calm our minds. We can focus our attention on one muscle group at a time by intentionally tightening and then release. Different breathing techniques such as puckered-lip breathing, square breathing and deeper breathing can lead to more relaxation. Relaxation is essential to gaining a sense of balance in our troubled world. 

    To begin the muscle relaxation exercise we must remove our shoes, glasses, contact lenses and loosen tight clothing. Lie down on a firm bed or on the floor with a small pillow under our head and under our knees. Rest our arms at our sides and lay our legs straight and our feet relaxed. Tense each muscle group for approximately 30 seconds before releasing.

·         Close our eyes to remove visual stimuli. Pay attention to our breathing, breathe gently and peacefully.

·         Point both feet and toes at the same time. Clench them firmly. Form a mental picture of the tension. Relax all at once. When the muscles relax, they elongate and blood flow through them increases. There may be warmth and tingling in the areas we are relaxing. Let our feet sink into the bed or floor, feeling completely relaxed.

·         Pull our toes back toward our head. Tense. Observe the tension in the muscles below the knee. Release.

·         Next, tense the front part of the leg above the knee by straightening our leg and locking our knees. Release.

·         Squeeze our buttocks or seat muscles together. Leave our stomach muscles relaxed. May feel a warm and heavy feeling. Slowly let go of the tension.

·         Tense our stomach pretending it is a ball and we are squeezing it into a smaller ball. Shrink our stomach and pull it back into the spine. Notice how tensing interferes with our breathing. Let go of the tension.

·         Tense our lower back muscles and pull our back into the floor or bed and release.

·         Shrug our shoulders and then tense them. Pull them toward our ears and feel the tension above the collar bones and between our shoulder blades.

·         Make tight fists and draw them back toward our shoulders. Pretend we are pulling a team of horses. Let our arms fall back beside our bodies.

·         Our neck muscles carry much of our tension. Gradually turn our head to the right while trying to look over our shoulder. Hold the tension long enough to observe it. Turn head slowly back to the front. Repeat the process by turning our head to the left.

·         Gently press our head against the floor or bed while raising our chin toward the ceiling. Study the tension and relax.

·         Lift our eyebrows up and tense our brow.

·         Pull the corners of our mouth into a deep frown.

·         Make a wide smile. Grin ear to ear. 

    Practice this relaxation exercise twice a day for two weeks or more. At first, we may be more aware of our muscle tension. This will disappear after a while when our tense muscles get a break and our nerves desensitize (Shiraldi, 1999). Also, try yoga and tai chi to help relax our bodies and mind. 

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 Breathing exercises can provide a calming sensation. While sitting, laying down, or standing breath with our diaphragm. A simple way to do this is by imagining that we are breathing from our stomachs rather than our lungs. Our stomach should rise or expand when we breathe in and fall or contract as we exhale. Place one hand on our chest and the other on our stomach. If our stomach is rising, we are doing it right.

     Puckered-Lip Breathing (2–4)

·         Breathe in normally for approximately 2 seconds.

·         Pucker our lips like we are drinking from a straw.

·         Exhale through puckered lips for 4 seconds.

·         Repeat

 

    Square Breathing (4-4-4-4)

·         Breathe in for 4 seconds.

·         Hold breath for 4 seconds.

·         Exhale for 4 seconds.

·         Hold for 4 seconds before inhaling.

·         Repeat.

 

    Deeper Breathing (4-7-8)

·         Breathe in for 4 seconds.

·         Hold breath for 7 seconds.

·         Exhale for 8 seconds.

·         Repeat

     Try these relaxation techniques when we are feeling fine and troubled. Practice and combine skills. Make them our own and have realistic expectations (Gregory, 2022).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anger Management

 

“The truth is that our finest moments

are most likely to occur when we are

feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or

unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments,

propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely

to step out of our ruts and start searching for

different ways or truer answers.”

-M. Scott Peck

 

Intense anger is common for people with PTSD and other forms of unresolved trauma and the reasons make sense to a large degree. People dealing with intergenerational stress have struggled with anger and oftentimes did not know why. The trauma faced by our parents, grandparents and other ancestors have permeated our cells. Many Native Americans today have parents, grandparents and ancestors who were sequestered to reservations and forced to attend Indian boarding schools. Many were abused emotionally and physically. The children, who were abused at the Indian boarding schools, had no one to turn to for protection or comfort, they did not have a safe place.

    I suffered from claustrophobia which is an extreme or irrational fear of confined places and I had no idea why. I don’t remember a time I was in a confined place. Then I learned people develop claustrophobia if they were bullied or abused which I definitely fell victim. I also suffered from severe neglect at the hands of people who were supposed to care about me, which many of our ancestors can attest.

    People, who have gone through traumatic experiences, often temporarily felt numb and suffered from high levels of pain and frustration. Unresolved trauma manifests in many ways, especially anger. It is safer to experience anger than it is to deal with feelings of sadness, shame, fear or dislike. Anger overrides fear. We no longer feel helpless and out of control.  We may be angry because of one or more of the following:

·         A perpetrator of a crime or accident.

·         God or life for letting traumatic events happen.

·         Normal people who appear to be happy.

·         Self for being unable to function better or get over it.

·         The imperfections of people.

·         People who don’t understand or know how to help.

·         Family members and others for annoying or disappointing us.

·         Fire fighters, police, parents, or others who failed to protect us.

·         The criminal justice system for failing to find or punish the offender. (The government has never apologized for inflicting the Indian boarding schools on Native Americans)

·         Secondary wounders who are hired to help us but end up making things worse.

·         Everyday stressors.   

    Intense, uncontrollable anger from the past may be lessened when traumatic material is fully processed and the concerns underlying the anger are addressed. The information in this chapter will furnish us with the skills needed to control our anger to protect our health and relationships (Shiraldi, 1999). 

Understanding Anger 

Anger is a negative, uncomfortable feeling that is associated with thoughts about something that we view as threatening, frustrating or unfair and unjustified. The emotion leads to physical arousal such as increased heart rate, muscle tension, breathing rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones in the blood and can result in a flushed face. We may clench our fists, raise our voice, become quiet, or leave the room. Some of us have become critical or sarcastic or we may have become physically aggressive. We could have learned unhelpful ways of coping after or during traumatic events, but we can learn or relearn effective coping skills.

    This emotion is something we experience as we try to control our world and avoid pain. Some of us are upset with ourselves, because we have trouble controlling our anger while others may feel their anger is justified. Anger can have it benefits and consequences. We may be able to communicate our suppressed feelings, it shows we care, gives us the feeling of control, protects us from injustice, lets us feel at least something, serves as a cue that something is wrong, or it energizes us.

    The downside is our communication suffers, we feel out of control, our children are learning violence from us, we avoid learning efficient coping skills, we experience feelings of guilt from hurting others, our health suffers, conflict increases, our job performance may suffer, and experience feelings of humiliation because of a lack of control. Feelings of anger are unpleasant, and we didn’t give people the chance to demonstrate that they may be trustworthy and good.

    When we consider the pros and cons, it becomes apparent that anger sometimes makes sense. People, who get angry, are not bad people, we are reacting in a way that makes sense. We may fall short when it comes to handling difficult circumstances in the best way that meets our needs. We need to look at the costs of our anger and is there an acceptable pay off. Are we getting our needs met because of our anger? Could we have relationships based more on trust? We may want to view ourselves as more patient, tolerant, kinder, cooler, and more in control if we don’t resort to anger. Communication with others may improve. We may feel more relaxed and healthier. The costs of anger may definitely outweigh the pros and we may need help managing our anger (Shiraldi, 1999). 

Anger Management Skills 

·         Responsibility for our own anger. One of the first to consider is that no one makes us angry. We choose who angers us and how we express that anger. We can choose to talk calmly rather than yell or become violent. We can choose to walk away from a fight rather than participate in a conflict. We can either let people annoy us which places us in the victim role and reinforces our sense of powerlessness. Violence to self or others is not an option. It may temporarily relieve stress while it destroys our inner peace and relationships.

·         We need to put our anger into words. We can rate our anger from intense to less severe. Within the levels of our anger list our feelings from most to least intense. It helps to realize that there are levels of anger from none to being out of control. It would be helpful to calmly describe our feelings rather than act them out. We can try addressing our anger in a journal by describing the event that triggered our anger. Describe the emotions and body sensations associated with our anger. Remember anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is usually hurt or fear of being hurt. Try to calmly identify the underlying hurt and put it into words.

·         Soothe the hurt.  Anger in the present is often a button that is pushed, and the button represents an unhealed hurt from the past. Study the time we were hurt and write down the feelings we felt during the time the hurt occurred. View the circumstance(s) with a new perspective by realizing we are safe, have available resources to deal with the hurt and an understanding of various dynamics of the harmful situation.

·         Gratitude can be a useful tool to stop our anger. It is next to impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. Even if we have to be thankful for our basic needs being met such as having a roof over our heads or food to eat. It is important to practice gratitude as much as possible.

·         Communicate. We need to tell our loved ones and friends that the anger has been derived from the hurts we are trying to heal. If someone attacks us verbally, we may feel the urge to fight back. Instead, we need to put our ego aside and try not to defend ourselves. We can gently ask questions to show the person they are being listened to and respected. Paraphrase to make sure we have an understanding of what is being said. Possibly find a point of agreement. We can constructively express our feelings and preferences. Take a time out if necessary and say “Let’s take a break for a specified amount of time (usually less than an hour) and then meet to continue.

·         We need to channel our vengeance fantasies. Talking about the underlying hurt in a safe place is the most productive and helpful way to deal with our feelings of betrayal.

·         Remember the opposites. We can have creative problem-solving situations in which we can conceive many opposites to the problem. What are the opposite feelings of anger? We can consider friendliness, patience, understanding and happiness to name a few.

·         View the offender differently. Compassion is a wonderful way to view the sorrow and suffering of others. When a person disappoints us, ask why would someone do that to another? Happy people do not hurt people. Empathy is the ability to see life through the perspective of others and give them the benefit of the doubt.

·         We can use humor to give problems a different perspective and provide a certain sense of mastery.

·         Practice relaxation techniques and help relax others. Model calmness.

·         We need to avoid watching violence on the media which has been shown to reinforce the tendency to react aggressively.

·         We can distinguish the two forms of anger. Disturbed anger is the out of control type and usually disproportionate to the offense. Non-disturbed anger is functional and an annoyance that may cause us to use rational communication (Shiraldi, 1999).

·         Train our mind and decision-making capabilities before things get more difficult and create a kind of automatic form of reacting that is required in tough situations. Go over various scenarios beforehand to reduce the level of anxiety and stress we feel when we encounter stressful circumstances. Preparation is the key (Favaro, 2006). 

    Here are some magic words to end angry interactions:

·         “I wish there were some way we could continue this more productively, but there isn’t. I need a break.

·         “I do not see that there is any point in continuing this discussion if we both disagree so strongly. I’m leaving.

·         “I have heard what you are saying. I can’t agree. There’s no point in either of us becoming more bothered by this.

·         “I do not see that there is any point in us continuing to make each other angry. I’m going to stop (Favaro, 2006. pg. 107). 

    We can apply a coping strategy or approach by using a four-step process that includes an action sequence. It is designed to address the angry act while it is occurring and to force us to look at future consequences of angry episodes. The first step is to simply remember the sequence of listen, assess, stop, and turn away and apply the acronym of L.A.S.T. Use the acronym as a cue to help us focus on the consequences of our actions and stop angry behaviors before they become problems.

    Listen to our body’s signals. Are we boiling, seething trembling or flipping out. Anger can be referred to as an intense emotion of arousal. Anger activates a part of the nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system which prepares us for “fight” or “flight” reactions. Our heart rate increases, pupils dilate, and concentration is keener. The first step is to recognize the future consequences of our anger and when we are starting to become aroused.

    After paying attention to the body’s signals, we can think about the impulse that is connected to the sensation. Visualizing the angry response of obsessing about how we would like to act out our anger can lead to desensitizing ourselves to the things we might do when we are angry. We need to consider if our angry act will actually end the problem.

    After we listen to our body’s signals and assess whether the angry action will end the problem, we can stop and consider the consequences. We need to visualize the angry act by mentally practicing the aggressive act, visualize the worst-case scenario. Do we want to hurt someone we care about, or do we want to face legal problems? Turning away from situations because we may regret the way we behaved in anger could be the wisest decision. We need to look at the situation when we turn away as not losing an argument but succeeding in a battle with ourselves. We need to realize that we may not have ruined future opportunities or add further aggravation to our lives. Stating our feelings in a calm manner is usually best (Favaro, 2006).

    Anger can be used as a tool to guide our behavior when things are not going well, when we have been hurt. It can serve as a warning sign. Anger can also cause us to be out of control of our actions and we could end up causing harm to others. Current and past infractions that have caused serious harm to the Native American people have caused many of us to experience episodes of anger. Look what happened to the indigenous concerning the Dakota Access Pipeline. We need to face our struggles with the information provided in this chapter in order to prevent further harm to ourselves and others. 

 

 

 

 

 

Effective Communication Skills

 

“Early impressions are hard to eradicate from the mind,

when once wool has been dyed purple, who can

restore it to its previous whiteness?”

-Saint Jerome

 

Our communication skills reflect who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, and believe. Possessing effective communication skills will open a lot of doors for us. Our communication needs to be clear and concise. During our childhood and later in our lives we may have observed and learned how to communicate in negative, indirect or avoidant ways in order to protect ourselves and others and we may have had trouble talking about the things we saw, about our thoughts and feelings, and letting people know what we want and need.  

    We may find ourselves having a difficult time sharing information about ourselves with others. If they get to know the real us they won’t want to be in our company. Our inability to communicate can cause challenges in all areas of our lives including with our families, and at work. Reciprocity of positive exchange between two people has been frequently indicated as the single most important ingredient in a good relationship.

 

    Here are some communication styles to avoid:

 

·         Sarcasm represented by bitter comments which can make the other person feel bad.

·         Judgmental messages which include the “you” message involving communicating with the other person in an accusatory manner.

·         Using hurtful labels such as stupid and lazy.

·         Reminding the other person of things they have done in the past, especially negative things. We usually like to hear about the positive things.

·         Using negative comparisons such as comparing a person to another person. For example, “If only you could be as smart as your brother.”

·         Blaming.

·         Making threatening statements.

·         Giving unsolicited advice.

·         Provoking others to induce anger.

·         Not being genuine, saying things we think the other person wants to hear.

·         Apologizing for bothering people.

·         Trying to manipulate people to get them to do what we want them to do.

·         Talking in cynical, self-degrading, and/or hostile ways.

·         Finding it difficult to get to the point (Copeland and Harris, 2000).

 

    Examples of Healthy Communication:

 

·         Observations involving telling someone else what we saw, heard, read, or experienced. For example, “I had tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch” or “I like to spend time with you.”

·         Describing thoughts consisting of telling about conclusions we have drawn from things we have observed or experienced and these reports include value judgments, wishes, and needs.

·         Feelings represent our expression of emotions. They may be difficult to share because others may not want to hear about them. People’s reactions may include boredom or they may become upset. We can’t let this deter us because they will get to know us better by learning about our feelings.

·         Sharing what our needs are with others let’s others know what is important to us. Discussing what our needs are can be difficult especially if we have been abused and we are not in the habit of asking for or getting what we need. When we need something use upfront statements such as “I need to have some time to myself.”

·         Another form of communication involves stating what we want. Our wants may be small such as wanting a pair of earrings that match a shirt or larger such as a new job” (Copeland and Harris, 2000)    

PrPrinciples for Positive Communication: 

·         Use “I” messages such as “I feel angry” or “I like being with you.”

·         Provide whole messages that include all the important parts of information. 

·         Ask yourself these following questions:

o   What do I need to communicate?

o   What am I afraid to say?

o   What am I observing, thinking, or wanting in this communication?

o   What is the purpose of this conversation?

o   Is the stated purpose the same as my intended purpose (Copeland and Harris, 2000)?

 

   The practice of active listening: 

    Listening intently to others does not just happen; it is a very important process involved in communication. Hearing a sound is an automatic response, while listening is a voluntary action. A process occurs involving the brain and allows us to become more active listeners. The process involves four parts which are: 

·         Receiving Information.

·         Focusing on the information.

·         Developing an understanding of the information.

·         Reacting to the information received (Sherfield, 2004). 

   We need to take a moment to listen to the things around us. Think of a car horn, we heard the sound of horn. It does not mean we were intently listening, it only means we were in range of the sound. If we turned down the radio, we are focusing on the sound of the horn representing the beginning of the listening process. We have to make a voluntary decision to do more than only hearing the sound. We understand what the sound is and our brain relates to the sound as something we heard before. Finally we react to what we have heard.  For example, are we expected to slow down or pull over as a reaction to the sound of the horn? 

    Again, listening is the most important feature of communication. Our ability to be understood is contingent on our ability to listen. Effective listening will positively impact our personal and professional relationships. Effective listening will put us in the driver seat concerning how the information is received during a conversation. Also being an efficient listener will give us a heads up concerning some potential problems that may surface in the near or distant future. Being an effective listener will make others feel special and cared about. The other person will feel valued. Active listening will provide us with more opportunities to gain more information and make sound decisions (Sherfield, 2004). 

    The benefits of active listening: 

·         We will gain an understanding of matters at a deeper level.

·         We will have more resources which will enable us to make sound decisions.

·         We are better able to help others. When we are going through difficult times, the best way to deal with those situations is to help others. Helping others can redirect our thoughts from what we are going through to what we can do for others; thus, clearing our mind to make sound decisions.

·         We will obtain more of the help we need when our relationships are based on reciprocity (mutual exchanges). When we expect others to listen to us and we don’t listen to them, they are going to be less likely to be willing to help us.

·         We are able to participate in more activities and life in general because we know more.

·         We will be more capable of resolving conflicts and reducing problems. 

·         We can enhance our self-esteem (Sherfield, 2004).

 

    Many of us state that we are open-minded; however, most of us can only be open-minded concerning things we are comfortable with or know. It does take time and effort to become an active listener. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time. A lot of time we are thinking about what we are going to say next while the other person is speaking. That is not active listening. Active listening requires practicing the art of being silent. To listen deeply and fully, we must train our minds to stay focused on the person who is speaking, not only on the other person’s words but also on their facial expressions and body language. This will take practice. While working on this skill, examine places in which we will be actively talking and practice being silent during these times, just listen. 

    Another obstacle many of us have to overcome is jumping to conclusions or prejudging a situation before knowing all the facts associated with the situation. Let the person fully explain what he or she has to say and carefully digest what is being said.  

    Here are some helpful tips: 

·         Avoid jumping to conclusions.

·         Listen to what was said and what was not said. Pay attention to body language to obtain the full meaning of what is being said.

·         Do not overreact; give the speaker a chance to tell the whole story.

·         Leave our emotions and prejudices behind.

·         Most importantly, give the communicator our complete attention.

·         Stop talking unless a response is expected.

·         Listen for intent (feeling). A person’s tone of voice can be another clue to how he or she is actually feeling.

·         Listen for content (facts). Listen as if we have to explain what is being said someone else. Can we summarize or paraphrase what is being said (Sherfield, 2004). 

    Most people can handle accepting praise and appreciate constructive criticism. We can accept criticism as a helpful learning tool. If we do so, we add valuable lessons that can be learned from constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is advice that is useful, practical, and justifiable. It is criticism that is supported by facts and experience.

    A helpful criticism is sharing information about a resource that will make someone’s life easier such as recommending a job search program instead of relying on the local newspaper. An example of a harsh and vindictive criticism would be telling someone that they are embarrassed to be seen with him or her. There is nothing learned or gained by the latter, only harm was done. Praise and constructive criticism can serve as part of our learning and healing process.

    In order to form healthy relationships, we need to build and maintain communication skills conducive to a mutual give and take process for every conversation. Abuse in this lifetime and historical trauma may have negatively impacted our ability to communicate appropriately. We can learn how to share our feelings, needs, and wants in a positive manner. Active listening will help us more than we can ever imagine and it permits us to be more active in our own life and the lives of those we care about. It gives us more opportunities to gather information and data that will be helpful to us. The most important reason to actively listen and enhance our communication skills is to build stronger, more productive, and more caring relationships with others.