A family is an actual natural
social system. A family consists of
various properties such as an evolved set of rules, assigned and ascribed roles
for each of its members. These systems
have developed elaborate overt and covert means of communicating. Families are
frothed with many different beliefs and happenstance. The statement “Why can’t we just get along?”
permeates many families. Families often represent
a love/hate relationship. There are so
many various things to consider when thinking about families from birth order
to rivalries. Parents are supposed to
raise their children to become independent of them, not dependent. Three parenting styles depict the various
forms of leadership and guidance: authoritarian, authoritative, and
permissive. Many parents are either too
permissive or too authoritarian. Some
households are more violent than others.
Great efforts are applied to maintain the integrity of the family
structure. The relationship between
members of this subculture is complicated and multilayered.
Many households today are
plagued with many layers of dysfunction from unemployment to substance
abuse. Children often view themselves as
a part of these infrastructures and are oftentimes estranged from these compositions.
Breaking apart from these units occurs predominantly throughout a teen’s life. However, individuals residing in these social
systems are associated to one another by sustainable, and reciprocal emotional
attachments and loyalties that may fluctuate in intensity over time but will
persist over the lifetime of the family.
Various forms of parenting can
either make or break the children being raised in these systems. Parents who
practice the authoritarian parenting style stagnates a child’s creative
expression and represses their independence.
Native American children who were raised in the Indian Boarding Schools
were subjected to extremely harsh treatment and deprivation. The food that was provided to these children was
often less than adequate to meet their nutritional needs, often spoiled. They
were not afforded the proper nurturance.
These unfortunate children were abused physically, emotionally and often
they were sexually abused. Parents and
caregivers who practice this form of parenting often believe that children must
obey them for the sake of their presumed authority. Oftentimes, the person in authority follows
the tenet of “do as I say” and “not as I do.”
The child’s only voice is this domineering person’s voice which can
cause despair with the child and can lead to feelings of hopelessness and
depression with no chance of a happy future.
Children may question their own
identity and become anxious, fearful and timid under this tyranny. This form of parenting will extend outside of
their family and they will become complacent and fall easily under the
influence of their peers. They will also
become victims of controlling individuals.
These children may become underachievers, not knowing what to strive
for. They allow life just to happen
around them. The opposite can also prove
to the true for these children and they will become overachievers.
An overachiever was often bred
from overly judgmental parents and their feelings of inadequacy . The rule about being successful was
intricately defined. I had a father who
would view my report card with all A’s and one B and he would say “why couldn’t
your grades be all A’s.” He was extremely critical about pretty much
everything. How did that form of
parenting make me into the adult I am today, it made me become an overachiever,
one who is trying to constantly fill my void of being inadequate. Still fighting that battle. Some parents afford their children very
little to no guidance and let them do pretty much whatever they want to do.
Permissive parenting is another
downfall for many parents. As stated
earlier, many households today are either over managed or under managed. I know of a household in which the mother is
constantly gone to meetings, she attends at least six meetings a week along
with working 30 to 35 hours per week.
When does she spend quality time with her family? Many parents do not want to be burdened with
their children especially when they get older, their teen years. So they let their children go wherever they want
with whomever they want. Traditional
Native American families practiced what could be considered permissive
parenting; however, it was quite the opposite.
All of the adults in the traditional Native American village were
responsible for the children. They were
guided by many adults and watched over.
Today you see many teenagers hanging out on street corners. What happened to the family thread that is
supposed to hold these families together?
Authoritative parenting provides
us with the answer to the parenting woes.
We need to talk with our children and them a say, give them a chance to
make mistakes, guide them without the use of punitive methods such as yelling,
and accept them for who they are, with their faults, strengths and everything
else that makes them, them. We need to
be aware of their strengths and interests and nurture these abilities. Two biological sisters can be as different as
two strangers you meet at Walmart. All
children need to be treated like they are unique beings, separate
individuals. The difference was like
night and day when it came to my one sister and I. My other sister and I have more in
common. The genetic pool is large when
conception occurs. My parents treated me
and the former sister like we were alike and being one year and two weeks older
than her, we were dressed alike. How
appalling and that did not encourage our individuality. Many pairs of twins are dressed alike. Again, children need to be respected and be given
a chance to work out the difficulties they face on a day to day basis in a way
that honors their intelligence. The
authoritative parenting style affords opportunities to treat all situations a
child faces as a means for positive growth.
Family units may contain various
forms of alliances. There may be triads and
dyads and there may be a family member who appears to not be a part of the family
dynamics. An example of a triad may be a
mother and her two children with the father being the outsider. An example of a dyad may be a mother and her
daughter with the son left out. I am
familiar with a family in which the mother only does enjoyable things with the
daughter and will not participate with her husband with any of his outside
interests. I see many mothers in
particular who make their children their world and the husband is left
out.
Different roles exists within
families. There is the caretaker role in
which one or more children are placed in charge of their parents’ feelings and
emotions. Remember when mothers use to
say “you are going to be the death of me.”
What a lot of responsibility to place on a child. What happens if the mother is sick a lot? Does the child feel responsible? Caretakers are also placed in the role of
being responsible for their younger siblings.
I can certainly relate to this phenomenon because I was the oldest child
of four. Other roles also serve to keep
the family intact.
Being the clown in the family
brings levity to difficult situations.
We can learn to not take anything serious which we may end up not
addressing the real serious situations that need our attention.
Families have a private image
and a public image. Many families like
to keep their dysfunction a secret.
Others are chasing each other around their front yards with frying
pans. Talking about family dysfunction can
bring light to some of our questions and can help us not feel alone with our
misery. Some family members are not
allowing their adult children in their lives and some adult children are
estranged from their parents. All
families experience some level of dysfunction.
Some family members retreat into their own personal world and
identity. The family structures within
the family dynamics are considered within each society as a whole. We are all shaped by the society and family
structures in which we have encountered.
Makes sense to me
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