Effective Communication Skills

 

“Early impressions are hard to eradicate from the mind,

when once wool has been dyed purple, who can

restore it to its previous whiteness?”

Saint Jerome

 

Our communication skills reflect who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, and believe. Possessing effective communication skills will open a lot of doors for us. Our communication needs to be clear and concise. During our childhood and later in our lives we may have observed and learned how to communicate in negative, indirect or avoidant ways in order to protect ourselves and others and we may have had trouble talking about the things we saw, about our thoughts and feelings, and letting people know what we want and need.  

            We may find ourselves having a difficult time sharing information about ourselves with others. If they get to know the real us they won’t want to be in our company. Our inability to communicate can cause challenges in all areas of our lives including with our families, and at work. Reciprocity of positive exchange between two people has been frequently indicated as the single most important ingredient in a good relationship. Our communication skills are pertinent indicators concerning establishing and main-taining satisfactory relationships.

 

            Here are some communication styles to avoid:

 

·         Sarcasm represented by bitter comments which can make the other person feel bad.

·         Judgmental messages which include the “you” message involving communicating with the other person in an accusatory manner.

·         Using hurtful labels such as stupid and lazy.

·         Reminding the other person of things they have done in the past, especially negative things. We usually like to hear about the positive things.

·         Using negative comparisons such as comparing a person to another person. For example, “If only you could be as smart as your brother.”

·         Blaming.

·         Making threatening statements.

·         Giving unsolicited advice.

·         Provoking others to induce anger.

·         Not being genuine, saying things we think the other person wants to hear.

·         Apologizing for bothering people.

·         Trying to manipulate people to get them to do what we want them to do.

·         Talking in cynical, self-degrading, and/or hostile ways.

·         Finding it difficult to get to the point (Copeland and Harris, 2000).

 

Examples of Healthy Communication:

 

·         Observations involving telling someone else what we saw, heard, read, or experienced. For example, “I had tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch” or “I like to spend time with you.”

·         Describing thoughts consisting of telling about conclusions we have drawn from things we have observed or experienced and these reports include value judgments, wishes, and needs.

·         Feelings represent our expression of emotions. They may be difficult to share because others may not want to hear about them. People’s reactions may include boredom or they may become upset. We can’t let this deter us because they will get to know us better by learning about our feelings.

·         Sharing what our needs are with others let’s others know what is important to us. Discussing what our needs are can be difficult especially if we have been abused and we are not in the habit of asking for or getting what we need. When we need something use upfront statements such as “I need to have some time to myself.”

·         Another form of communication involves stating what we want. Our wants may be small such as wanting a pair of earrings that match a shirt or larger such as a new job. We may have difficulty differen-tiating between wants and needs. We may also feel like we don’t deserve to have wants. We need to drop those damaging thoughts and consider ourselves entitled to wants like anybody else. We also deserve to have fun and we deserve to want an easier life. Perhaps we want to have a more interest-ing life. Wants may include for example, “I want to go to the beach” or “I want to read a good book” (Copeland and Harris, 2000).

 

Principles for Positive Communication:

 

·         Use “I” messages such as “I feel angry” or “I like being with you.”

·         Provide whole messages that include all the impor-tant parts of information. 

·         Ask yourself these following questions:

o   What do I need to communicate?

o   What am I afraid to say?

o   What am I observing, thinking, or wanting in this communication?

o   What is the purpose of this conversation?

o   Is the stated purpose the same as my intended purpose (Copeland and Harris, 2000)?

 

The practice of active listening:

 

            Listening intently to others does not just happen; it is a very important process involved in communication. Hearing a sound is an automatic response, while listening is a voluntary action. A process occurs involving the brain and allows us to become more active listeners. The process involves four parts which are:

 

·         Receiving Information.

·         Focusing on the information.

·         Developing an understanding of the information.

·         Reacting to the information received (Sherfield, 2004).

 

We need to take a moment to listen to the things around us. Think of a car horn, we heard the sound of horn. It does not mean we were intently listening, it only means we were in range of the sound. If we turned down the radio, we are focusing on the sound of the horn representing the beginning of the listening process. We have to make a voluntary decision to do more than only hearing the sound. We understand what the sound is and our brain relates to the sound as something we heard before. Finally we react to what we have heard.  For example, are we expected to slow down or pull over as a reaction to the sound of the horn? 

Again, listening is the most important feature of communication. Our ability to be understood is contingent on our ability to listen. Effective listening will positively impact our personal and professional relationships. Effective listening will put us in the driver seat concerning how the information is received during a conversation. Also being an efficient listener will give us a heads up concerning some potential problems that may surface in the near or distant future. Being an effective listener will make others feel special and cared about. The other person will feel valued. Active listening will provide us with more opportunities to gain more information and make sound decisions (Sherfield, 2004).

 

 The benefits of active listening:

 

·         We will gain an understanding of matters at a deeper level.

·         We will have more resources which will enable us to make sound decisions.

·         We are better able to help others. When we are going through difficult times, the best way to deal with those situations is to help others. Helping others can redirect our thoughts from what we are going through to what we can do for others; thus, clearing our mind to make sound decisions.

·         We will obtain more of the help we need when our relationships are based on reciprocity (mutual exchanges). When we expect others to listen to us and we don’t listen to them, they are going to be less likely to be willing to help us.

·         We are able to participate in more activities and life in general because we know more.

·         We will be more capable of resolving conflicts and reducing problems. 

·         We can enhance our self-esteem (Sherfield, 2004).

 

So many of us state that we are open minded; however, most of us can only be open-minded concerning things we are comfortable with or know. It does take time and effort to become an active listener. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time. A lot of time we are think-ing about what we are going to say next while the other person is speaking. That is not active listening. Active listening requires practicing the art of being silent. To listen deeply and fully, we must train our minds to stay focused on the person who is speaking, not only on the other person’s words but also on their facial expressions and body language. This will take practice. While working on this skill, examine places in which we will be actively talking and practice being silent during these times, just listen. 

Another obstacle many of us have to overcome is jumping to conclusions or prejudging a situation before knowing all the facts associated with the situation. Let the person fully explain what he or she has to say and carefully digest what is being said. 

 

Here are some helpful tips:

 

·         Avoid jumping to conclusions.

·         Listen to what was said and what was not said. Pay attention to body language to ob-tain the full meaning of what is being said.

·         Do not overreact; give the speaker a chance to tell the whole story.

·         Leave our emotions and prejudices behind.

·         Most importantly, give the communicator our complete attention.

·         Stop talking unless a response is expected.

·         Listen for intent (feeling). A person’s tone of voice can be another clue to how he or she is actually feeling.

·         Listen for content (facts). Listen as if we have to explain what is being said to someone else. Can we summarize or para-phrase what is being said (Sherfield, 2004)?

 

Most people can handle accepting praise and appreciate constructive criticism. We can accept criticism as a helpful learning tool. If we do so, we add valuable lessons that can be learned from constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is advice that is useful, practical, and justifiable. It is criticism that is supported by facts and experience.

            A helpful criticism is sharing information about a resource that will make someone’s life easier such as recommending a job search program instead of relying on the local newspaper. An example of a harsh and vindictive criticism would be telling someone that they are embar-rassed to be seen with him or her. There is nothing learned or gained by the latter, only harm was done. Praise and constructive criticism can serve as part of our learning and healing process.

In order to form healthy relationships, we need to build and maintain communication skills conducive to a mutual give and take process for every conversation. Abuse in this lifetime and historical trauma may have negatively impacted our ability to communicate appropriately. We can learn how to share our feelings, needs, and wants in a positive manner. Active listening will help us more than we can ever imagine and it permits us to be more active in our own life and the lives of those we care about. It gives us more opportunities to gather information and data that will be helpful to us. The most important reason to actively listen and enhance our communication skills is to build stronger, more productive, and more caring relationships with others. 

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Empowerment

 

I choose…

to live by choice, not by chance

to be motivated, not manipulated

to be useful, not used

to make changes, not excuses

to excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice,

not the random opinions of others.

Zero Dean

                                                                           Being empowered means saying how we feel and saying directly what changes we would like to see occur. Getting in touch with our feelings is a prerequisite for becoming empowered. “I’m feeling upset right now and I would like for you to listen to me” is a good example. If we are feeling confused about our wants and needs, take the time to clarify them with a friend or counselor or we can write our thoughts down. Be careful not to assume others know what we need or want. When we are empowered, we are con-scious of our fundamental rights and we give our needs the same respect we would give to anyone else’s. Various stu-dies have revealed that people who feel victimized or out of control are at a higher risk for physical and emotional ill-ness.

Individuals who constantly feel like a victim see themselves as limited and isolated. Many of us were raised to put others’ needs and wants before of our own. When we are suffering from the ravages of unresolved trauma, we may act assertively in some situations but have difficulty making requests or saying no in other situations. Becoming empowered is also a way of enhancing our self-respect and self-worth (White, 2008).

Perhaps having been raised in a family that led us to believe we needed to be perfect and please our parents at all times, we probably remained a “people pleaser” as an adult. Doing things we don’t feel comfortable doing or we don’t want to do can foster resentments, which in turn creates tension and sometimes overt or covert conflict in our relationships.

By becoming empowered, we can express our true feelings and needs more readily. We will also discover that being empowered will bring us increased respect from others except for those who just want to use us. The methods we may be consciously or unconsciously be aware of may be counterproductive concerning the meeting of our needs and wants. We could be using methods such as being submissive, aggressive, passive aggressive or manipulating and most of the time we are either avoiding conflict with others or pursuing our wants and needs by the use of un-savory methods that may cause harm to us and others.

The opposite of empowerment is achieved if we engage in submissive behaviors by yielding to someone else’s needs and wants while discounting our own. We may not feel comfortable letting others know what we need or want. At some point in our lives we may have been trained to believe it is not okay to have our own wants and needs. The end result is the people placing these demands on us remain unaware of our feelings.

Oftentimes submissiveness leads to feelings of guilt when we do attempt to state our needs. We may often feel as if we are imposing on others. Persons suffering from the effects of historical trauma are usually anxiety prone and are often submissive. Another possibility is that we may be afraid to openly express our needs because of fears of alienation with those we are dependent upon. 

Conversely, aggressive behaviors may include communicating in a demanding or perhaps hostile manner with others. People who behave in an aggressive manner are usually insensitive to others’ rights and needs and will try to acquire what they want through force or threats.  Aggression can place us on the defensive, leading us to withdraw or fight back rather than cooperate. We can all think of moments when we would rather be anywhere else than with someone who appears to be behaving in a threatening manner. 

We may be behaving in a passive aggressive manner instead of being submissive or overtly aggressive. If this is our method of control concerning meeting our needs and wants, instead of openly confronting an issue, we express our anger and aggression through passive covert resistance. For example, we will make a commitment to do something; but then not follow through with our commit-ment. We intentionally did not plan on carrying out the commitment we made. We were secretly never happy about being asked to do what we agreed to do; but instead of being honest, we simply did not honor our commitment. Oftentimes, those we have disappointed will experience confusion, anger and/or resentments because they thought we meant what we said.

Another form of nonassertive behavior is being manipulative. When we are being manipulative we are usually trying to get others to feel sorry for us or guilty for their actions or lack of actions. We can fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for our own needs and may play the victim in an attempt to get others to take care of us. When these ploys do not work we may become angry or act indifferent. Manipulation only works if the person we are trying to manipulate is not aware of what is happening. The one being manipulated may feel confused and when it is discovered that he/she was manipulated, anger towards the person who used such tactics is usually the result (Bourne, 2005). 

 

 

 

To take a path to empowerment by learning how to be assertive involves:

 

·         Establishing nonverbal assertive behaviors. Think about a mother’s look of disapproval regarding her child’s inappropriate beha-viors.

·         Recognizing and being willing to exercise our basic rights.

·         Becoming aware of our own feelings, needs, and wants.

·         Practicing assertive responses. Try writing these down and role-playing with a suppor-tive person or saying assertive responses by looking in the mirror.

·         Learning to say no (Bolton, 1979).

 

            We can practice nonverbal assertive behaviors by looking directly at another person when communicating with them. Looking down or away portrays the message we are not confident about what we are trying to convey.  Maintaining an open posture instead of closed posture is also important. When we are sitting with our arms crossed it looks as if we are restricting our communication. Stand or sit erect, do not cross our legs when sitting and face the person directly when we are addressing someone.

            While practicing assertiveness, do not back away. We need to stand our ground. And most importantly stay calm. Avoid getting overly emotional. If we are angry, disperse these feelings before we attempt to be assertive. We need to air our feelings away from the person we want to hold a conversation with and then approach the situation with a positive stance. We can empower ourselves by restoring more control in our lives (Butler and Hope, 2007). 

 

Our physical empowerment can be restored in healthy ways by:

 

·         Breathing and relaxation techniques.

·         Exercise.

·         Drinking lots of good water.

·         A Healthy diet and nutrition (Strand, 2001).

 

We can restore our mental empowerment by:

 

·         Creating and/or rewriting our own personal story to delineate the larger picture of our lives as survivors. Describe the past, present and future.

·         Creating safety plans to reduce risk and prevent re-victimization.

·         Performing cognitive strategies to identify symp-toms and triggers and using a daily log or diary to chart them.

·         Visualizing new and more hopeful outcomes of challenges (Allen, 2005).

 

We can restore our emotional empowerment by:

 

·         Strengthening and enhancing our support system with caring family members, peers, and our com-munity.

·         Saying ongoing affirmations concerning our unique gifts, strengths and worth.

·         Utilizing anger release and anger management tech-niques (Coleman, 1995).

                                                                              

            The way out of mental health issues such as de-pression is through empowerment and regaining of a sense of our true self-worth. Anger can be a source of power when used effectively as a form of indignation when providing ourselves with self-protection and self-assertion. Anger can be a source of healthy protest against the in-justices we suffered in the past. We can use anger to protest the mistreatment of ourselves and others. We need to stand up for ourselves and others and say messages such as “I am not taking this abuse anymore” even if the abuse is self-inflicted. This is an important step toward establishing a healthier relationship with ourselves (White, 2008).

 

            All human beings have basic rights. Some of those basic rights include:

 

·         The right to be treated with respect.

·         The right to make our own decisions.

·         The right to be happy.

·         The right to express our feelings, negative and positive.

·         The right to not be responsible for others’ be-haviors, actions, feelings or problems.

·         The right to say no. 

·         The right to follow our own values and standards.

·         The right to make mistakes and to learn from our mistakes.

·         The right to feel good about ourselves (Bourne, 2005).

 

            Practicing assertive responses can be started by describing our problem situation. We could be experiencing a problem such as our friends not listening to us. They never stop talking and don’t let us get a word in edgewise. Examine the situation by looking at what feelings arise when this circumstance occurs. Questions to be explored for example are when the problem is likely to occur, how we react, what fears are involved in being assertive, and what is the goal concerning the increased involvement in the conversation. In order to take action regarding our concerns, take these steps: evaluate our rights; designate a time to discuss the problem with the person involved; and state the problem situation in terms of its consequences. Use “I” messages. Do not make the person feel as if he/she is under attack for their behaviors (Copeland and Harris, 2000). 

Becoming empowered involves asking for what we need or saying no when necessary in a simplified open approach that does not work against, assault, or manipulate anyone else. The more empowered we become the more we will realize the benefits. We will become aware that others have more respect for us and in turn our self-worth is enhanced. Empowerment is represented by being able to recognize our unique feelings, wants and needs and act upon these by ensuring that our personal bill of rights are not infringed upon. We do so by taking responsibility for our own needs and wants in a respectful manner. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebuilding Our Self-Esteem

 

“We are the children of our landscape; it dictates

behavior and even thought in the measure

to which we are responsive to it.”

Lawrence Durrell

 

One of the most mysterious jewels we possess is our self-esteem. Self-esteem is about finding our inner splendor, strengths, and talents and using them to the fullest advantage. The concept of self-esteem can be divided into three categories: 1) people with far too high a view of themselves, 2) individuals with far too low a view of themselves, and 3) those who fluctuate between the two.  An unwavering and suitable self-esteem has proven to be one of the most difficult possessions to attain and hold onto. Self-esteem is vital and serves as the energy that powers the engine of accomplishment. The more self-esteem we have, the farther we can go.

            It is important to tell ourselves that we can achieve all the goals we set for ourselves, that we are worthy, and as deserving as the next person. We need to be our own cheerleader and seek people such as a best friend who understands and supports our healing process. The word self-esteem is not a fancy catch phrase and needs to be considered pertinent to everyone’s healing. Our personal attitude about life in general is as clear to others as the clothes we wear. If we are upbeat and cheerful, we will usually be greeted with positive feedback. Our self-esteem is about finding our true selves, and is referred to as a “looking glass.” 

            The material us involves all we have that gives us synchronization, or balance and connection to the rest of the world including our family, our bodies, and our possessions. Most of us want others to view our material selves favorably. Our social self consists of the recognition and acceptance we receive from others. And our spiritual self relates to our innermost thoughts, desires, dreams, and feelings. This spiritual self has little to do with organized religion; it is associated with our relationship and know-ledge about ourselves.

            Exploring at a deeper level, we will discover that we have a public and a private self, both requiring nurturance and protection. Exploring our history, our environment, and our personal value system can be extremely enlightening. We wear many hats from being employees, spouses, friends, to filling the role of being a friend. We behave according to the role we are filling at the time. This duality can throw us off balance. Do we do what we think others want us to do? Not being our true self can cause additional stress, deplete energy, diminish honesty, and destroy our self-esteem (Sherfield, 2004).

            Saying affirmations to raise our self-esteem is useless if we haven’t made the effort to actually love ourselves. Saying we are great doesn’t cut it. We have to set goals and do things to make ourselves great. For exam-ple, we may look in the mirror and decide we are over-weight, but at the same time we tell ourselves we look fine, we do not have a weight problem. We may say things like “I am beautiful just the way I am.” Instead, we need to treat ourselves to healthy eating habits, exercise and do other things which will enhance our overall well-being.

            Develop a plan and stick with it. I am not suggesting that thinking and saying positive statements does not help us achieve healthy self-esteem. The words will not carry much meaning if we don’t place more importance on ourselves. Acquiring healthy self-esteem takes effort and we need to consider ourselves worth it (Bourne, 2005).

            I participated in a workshop about enhancing children’s self-esteem. What I learned was to not say empty phrases such as saying “nice work” when a child showed me his or her artwork. Examine the picture thoroughly and comment on the child’s use of colors and designs on the picture. After a while, children will become praise junkies because their needs are not being met when the praise is generalized and not specific to what they have done. When we give ourselves empty compliments or receive empty compliments from others, think about how this made us feel. Feeling good about ourselves is often fleeting when it comes from empty praise.  

            Striving for feeling good versus feeling right. The feeling of right means feeling authentic and real inside. People often say they haven’t felt right for a long time. The best way to find out how to feel right about our lives is to examine a time when we did feel right. Unhealthy self-esteem also invades our lives in many forms such as depression, fear, anxiety, and/or feelings of worthlessness. We can stop this invasion by recognizing when it existed in our lives. Doing things that go against our values can cause damage to our self-esteem. The down-trodden are not the only people with self-esteem issues. People with low self-esteem come from all walks of life from doctors to construction workers. 

           

            People with self-esteem issues may exhibit the following behaviors:

 

·         Act immature and have poor relationship skills.

·         Engage in self-destructive behaviors.

·         Criticize themselves and others constantly.

·         Act superior and brag often.

·         Avoid uncomfortable situations.

·         Enjoy the pain others are experiencing.

·         Sacrifice their own identity to fit in with others.

·         Overreact when criticized.

·         Fly off the handle easily.

·         Concentrate mainly on failures, and weaknesses.

·         Be devastated by simple mistakes.

·         Pressure people and become overbearing.

·         Lack adequate resources to handle personal needs (Sherfield, 2004).

 

Keeping negative behaviors in check is another way of managing and enhancing our self-esteem. People suf-fering from low self-esteem tend to develop obsessive and addictive behaviors such as overeating, and substance abuse. When we are trying to establish peace within our-selves, it could be easy to turn to things that provide us with a way to forget our problems.

We can effectively communicate our own self-confidence to others to enhance our self-esteem in four ways: 1) how we look, 2) how we act, 3) what we say, and 4) what we do.  Good posture, clean appearance, a relaxed disposition, and a pleasant attitude communicate confi-dence. Eye contact while speaking expresses confidence as well as a firm handshake. What we do or fail to do speak volumes about our character. We need to follow through with what we promise to do (Sherfield, 2004).

When we know the answers to the questions we may be asked we need to give the answers clearly and with self-assurance. A moment to compose our thoughts can be a moment of reflective silence. We don’t have to be afraid to admit we need a little time to check out a fact, to dwell over a decision, or to consider a circumstance from a new vantage point. Admitting a lack of sufficient information expressed in the right way, without embarrassment, can convey to others self-confidence. If we want others to believe in us, we have to believe in ourselves. 

 

Healthy self-esteem can be obtained through the following ten steps:

 

·         Know ourselves.

·         Understand what makes us feel great.

·         Recognize things that get us down.

·         Set goals to achieve what we want.

·         Develop trusting relationships.

·         Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

·         Stand up for our beliefs and values.

·         Help someone else.

·         Take responsibility for our own actions.

·         Take good care of four selves: physical, intel-lecttual, spiritual, and emotional (Sherfield, 2004).

 

“Ninety percent of the world’s woe comes from people not

knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and

even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way

through life as complete strangers to ourselves.”

Sydney Harris

 

            Positive feelings of self-worth represent a healthy way in which we view ourselves as valuable individuals. Humility is considered an asset, while being confident is often viewed as a fault. What we believe about ourselves and our abilities serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we continue to tell ourselves we are worthless, our actions will follow suit. By raising our opinion of ourselves, we will accomplish so much more. We will end up contributing more to our communities and households and experience more life satisfaction.

            Native American people were beaten down so much for centuries by acts of genocide, assimilation, discrimination, and acculturation that our self-worth is often residing in the very depths of our souls. Many of us will need a crowbar to unlock that treasure. What did the history of our parents and grandparents do to our feelings of self-worth? We can obtain feelings of positive self-worth when we honor ourselves with self-love. If we love ourselves for who we are with all our gifts, faults and other nuances, we will tap into our valuable self-worth. 

 

            If we are experiencing feelings of low self-esteem we may:

 

·         Come from a troubled and dysfunctional family.

·         Blame ourselves for everything.

·         Fear rejection.

·         Have a lot of “shoulds.”

·         Feel ashamed of who we are.

·         Think we are not good enough.

·         Feel as if we are different from the rest of the world.

·         Reject compliments or praise.

·         Feel depressed because of a lack of praise and compliments.

·         Take things personally.

·         Have been victims of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, or substance abuse.

·         Pick on ourselves constantly about the way we think, look, feel and act. 

·         Tell ourselves we can’t do anything right.

·         Be afraid of making mistakes.

·         Expect ourselves to do everything perfectly.

·         Feel a lot of guilt.

·         Feel guilty when we spend money on ourselves or do fun things for ourselves (Sherfield, 2004).

 

           

            Conversely, how do we know if we love ourselves?  The following represent signs of self-love:

 

·         We start making time for ourselves.

·         We set up boundaries to protect ourselves.

·         We forgive ourselves, not just for trivial mistakes, but for larger mistakes.

·         We let go of unrealistic expectations of ourselves and feel good about what we have already accomplished.

·         We find one thing to do every day that makes us happy even if it is brief such as smelling a flower.

·         We take a moment to breathe deeply and pay attention to our breath.

·         When we hear ourselves thinking something de-meaning about ourselves, we practice thought stopping, and develop thoughts which are more compassionate (Sherfield, 2004).

 

It is difficult to love thy neighbor when we don’t love ourselves. We need to tell ourselves daily that we love ourselves and practice thinking kind thoughts on a regular basis to rebuild our self-esteem. It is okay to love ourselves and place importance on ourselves. Self-love is a necessary component to maintaining healthy relation-ships with anyone including ourselves.

 

We need to take a good look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror and say one of the following things to our-selves daily:

 

·         “I’m strong and attractive and I like what I see.”

·         “I deserve to have a great life.”

·         “I enjoy being me.”

·         “I am confident in myself and my abilities” (Copeland and Harris, 2000).

 

We need to focus on our strengths instead of focus-ing on our faults and shortcomings. Paying attention to the latter can destroy any amount of joy we may have. Our strengths are the very qualities which could make us look our best, yet we may try to describe our strengths by making them sound like they are deficits in our character. For example we may say something like this “my weakness is that I care too much.”  We do so, to put a positive spin on whom we are and get the validation we are seeking by presenting ourselves to the outside world in a humble manner, humility is the key to being accepted by others. Our strengths are defined by what we actually do and need to be considered when we are trying to enhance our feelings of self-esteem. They are the things we do on a regular basis. To discover our strengths use the following guidelines consisting of these basic ingredients:

 

·         Explore our talents, such as empathy, assertiveness, or competitiveness. Since we often take our talents for granted, step back and put a label on our talents. These talents are things we were born with and they stayed with us. 

·         Examine our skills which are things we developed during our lives and are not innate. They were learned abilities.

·         Discover our personal knowledge which is learned and developed through experience and formal learn-ing activities such as reading and learning from others (Buckingham and Clifton, 2001). 

 

            When we put these ingredients together we can gain an understanding about our strengths. Let’s say we are an advocate for people who have been diagnosed with a dis-ability. Our assertiveness allows us to be able to secure services for our clients, our communication skills permit us to convey what our client’s needs are, and our knowledge of what services are available permits us to make decisions that are in the best interest of our client. 

            Another example may be talents consisting of our ability to be empathetic if we work as a day care provider for young children. Our empathetic abilities give us the capability of understanding what the children under our care need. Because of our skills we are able to provide activities which will enhance the engagement of the children in play time activities and our knowledge of child development will enhance their learning experiences and provide them with a safe environment.

            When we begin to describe our strengths, examine activities we have felt most successful accomplishing. Defining the ingredients in this manner demonstrates what comes naturally and what is learnable. To capture a full understanding of our strengths, we are going to have to go beyond the generic labels and explore how the actual activities make us feel by the use of four signs: success; instincts; growth; and needs. We will need to take the following steps by paying close attention to our feelings before, during, and after our weekly activities.

            When did we feel successful at accomplishing our goals? To examine our instincts, we need to explore what we find ourselves looking forward to doing. What activities create the most positive growth for us?  The instinct sign refers to how we feel before we did the activity; growth refers to how we felt during the activity, conversely the need sign refers to how we felt right after we have done the activity. We may really feel good after doing the activity and we want to experience that feeling again (Buckingham and Clifton, 2001). 

A person lacking internal feelings of self-esteem feels a need for continuous validation, the greater the lack of self-worth, the greater the need for validation. If we have confidence in ourselves, we will gain respect from others. It is so necessary that we demonstrate this confidence for the sake of our children and grandchildren. They need for us to believe in ourselves so that we can guide them to the right paths to take and so they will take us seriously. Confidence is a way of behaving that doesn’t happen automatically. It occurs because we have learned how to nurture ourselves with self-talk that promotes confidence. It exists when we have learned to speak from belief rather than doubt, from uniqueness rather than conformity.

We need to examine our self-talk and ask is it full of doubt?  Remember our self-talk influences our behaviors and the outcome of any given situation. If we want to take on a leadership role, we need to have a higher level of confidence and feelings of self-worth. We can do so by thinking about all the things we can do right. Start small and think about how well we make our bed in the morning or how well we cook eggs. Then move onto the bigger things such as our job related skills. 

             A person who suffers from a low level of self-esteem will feel as if they will lose something if they give honor to others. Test those waters and see how comfortable you are with complimenting others. Does it come naturally or is it a struggle for you to do so. The compliment must come from the heart and not be superficial. We need to rehearse truly complimenting others before trying it out on actual people if it is not a common practice for us. Others can sense when we are not being genuine and that will damage our credibility. 

            A lot of people believe that since their self-worth was based on their early years concerning how their parents, teachers, and friends treated them, they can do little to change their feelings of self-esteem. It is true that our feelings of self-worth were often determined by our pasts. This can be changed. How we judge ourselves is what really counts. It really doesn’t matter what others may think about us. Low feelings of self-worth are based on mistaken ideas and we all have the ability to change these notions. When looking back at negative experiences think about how we would have dealt with those situations if we would have had a positive, confident attitude.  Don’t look back with regret. Rewriting our past history will have a powerful effect on our future. 

Self-esteem is not a figment of our imagination, it can seem abstract, but it is not. Look inside ourselves to see the real us. Explore and practice meaningful spirituality. Do not do things that go against our own personal values and do not give ourselves meaningless compliments. Develop goals and work towards them. Review the checklist of behaviors which are associated with self-esteem issues and see what ones we believe we are practicing and work on those issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when we are struggling with obtaining our goals. Self-esteem is about enhancing our inner strengths and using them to our fullest advantage.