“No one can make
you feel inferior
without your
consent.”
Eleanor
Roosevelt
Boundaries signify the beginning and
end to something and represent the integrity of the self. A boundary is in its simplest form, a
property line. The boundaries we set regulate the closeness and distance in
our relationships and set the standards in which we maintain our privacy and
our personal space. Many of us set limits within most of our relationships. In
intimate relationships there is less distance than in other relationships such
as with our coworkers. By establishing boundaries, we maintain our privacy and
our personal space.
A cell membrane is a good example of
a boundary which allows connection and an exchange with the outside; but also
polices what comes in. In other words, boundaries need to be flexible, not too
rigid or too permeable.
Trauma usually involves intrusion and
boundary violations whether the trauma consists of natural disasters or
childhood abuse. If we have been repeatedly traumatized by other people, we are
likely to have difficulty establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries. An
extreme boundary violation involves physical and sexual assault. Another harmful boundary violation is
emotional abuse which includes brainwashing and totalitarian control.
Maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for people who have been
traumatized. If we are experiencing weak boundaries we may let other people
cause harm to us.
Home owners need to be aware of
property lines and respecting these boundaries are a prerequisite for being a
good neighbor. We need to consider our entire being as a beautiful home,
beautiful inside and out. It is important to only let those we trust inside the
doors of our home. Boundaries are like
doors, gates, and windows and they are put into place to make us feel safe. We
may have convinced ourselves we are powerless to close the doors.
Perhaps the door to our home has
remained open and we have been exposed to dangerous traumatic activity for a
long time, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually, and/or
emotionally. Or we may have locked the door so tightly that no one can enter
the doors to our home. Perhaps we no longer let fresh air into our home and our
life has become stale and our health is declining because we are not doing
anything to beautify the inside of our home.
If our boundaries have been
violated, we are often sensitive to the boundaries of others. We may feel extremely hesitant to intrude on
others or place any demands on other individuals. We may keep our distance. We may not call,
visit or ask for help. Or on the other hand, we may be blind to others
boundaries and violate their boundaries right and left. We may lack a sense of
privacy and intrude on another’s privacy. We may use others’ property without
asking or place unreasonable demands on them. Then we may be surprised if
called out concerning our intrusive behaviors. We may allow others to exploit
and use us (Cloud and Townsend, 1992).
When traumatic experiences occurred in
our lives and the lives of family members and our ancestors, the trauma can be
equated with a house with its doors and windows blown open and our home is
exposed to all the elements. Healing can begin to occur when we learn to put
healthy boundaries into place. These boundaries can be opened and closed upon
our choosing. Believe it or not, we are in control. We can learn how to keep
out dangerous people. Sometimes we feel trapped into feeling we have no choice
but to remain in certain situations no matter how dangerous these circumstances
are for us. Programs do exist to provide us with assistance if we are
contemplating leaving a situation.
A life without healthy boundaries
can result in a whole host of problems such as isolation, confusion, guilt,
helplessness, and above all, a life that is out of control. Many of us have
become a master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others. We also
try to do a good job of parenting, being married, our jobs, and our
relationships. Part of taking responsibility is to know what we are responsible
for and what we are not responsible for concerning any facet of our lives from
the workplace to other relationships. Employees who take on more than their
share of responsibilities soon become burned out and resentful.
When we take care of other people
and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore our own needs, wants and feelings.
We put ourselves on the shelf and we may get so busy taking care of others that
we put our entire lives on hold. We may feel harried and over committed and end
up not enjoying any of our activities. By taking on so much responsibility, we
don’t assume accountability for our most important task, ourselves. When we
consistently give more than we receive, we wonder why, when we anticipate the
needs of others, no one notices our needs. We may become depressed when our
needs are not being met. We may feel safer when giving than receiving. We need
to overcome this obstacle.
In our desire to do the right thing, or
to avoid conflict, we take on problems which are not our responsibility such as
a parent’s chronic loneliness, our friends or family member’s never ending
crises, our bosses’ irresponsibility; and/or our spouse’s immaturity. Then we
double the problems in our lives by our inability to say no. Any confusion
concerning responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of
boundaries. Just as landowners create boundaries to protect their property, we
need to set physical, spiritual, emotional, economical, and mental boundaries
for our lives to help us distinguish between what is our responsibility and
what is not.
When confronted with a boundary issue,
here are some questions that may come up:
1.
Can
I set boundaries and still be a caring person?
2.
What
are healthy boundaries?
3.
What
if someone takes exception concerning my boundaries?
4.
How
do I respond to someone who wants my time, money or energy?
5.
How
can I get rid of my guilty feelings when I set boundaries (Cloud and Townsend,
1992)?
Sometimes we may develop codependency
issues. Codependency involves feeling responsible for another per-son’s
feelings. We place ourselves as a keeper of their happiness. If they are not
happy, we cannot be happy. Happiness is a choice. Building healthy boundaries
means learning what our responsibilities are. We cannot assume the feelings and
problems of others at the cost of our own sanity. Codependency is symbolized by
being overly concerned with another’s happiness as if our own happiness is
contingent on another’s source of contentment. If we are experiencing codependency
issues we may exhibit some of the following:
·
Find
ourselves attracted to needy people.
·
Feel
angry if our assistance isn’t effective.
·
Over
commit ourselves.
·
Feel
harried and pressured.
·
Feel
insecure and guilty when others give to the person we are helping.
·
Feel
responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants,
needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and fate.
·
Find
it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather
than injustices done to ourselves.
·
Finding
ourselves saying yes when we mean to say no, doing things we don’t want to do,
doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people are
capable of doing for themselves.
·
Feel
pity, anxiety, and guilt when other people have a problem.
·
Feel
safest when giving.
·
Feel
compelled to help a person solve a problem by offering unsolicited advice,
giving a lot of suggestions, or trying to fix feelings.
·
Not
knowing what we want or need, or if we do, we tell ourselves our needs and
wants are not important.
·
Blame
others for the predicament that the people we are helping are in.
·
Anticipate
others’ needs on a regular basis at the expense of ignoring our own (Beattie,
1992).
It is important to realize it is time to
take care of ourselves and we cannot afford to take on the problems and
feelings of others. Earlier boundaries were referred to as property lines. If
we know where the property lines are, we can find out who owns the land. In
relationships, ownership is also very important. If we know where the
boundaries are in our relationships, we begin to know who owns things such as
feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. If there is a problem we begin to
understand who the problem belongs to as well as who needs to deal with
specific problems.
Families and individuals who have
suffered years and years of historical trauma have developed dysfunctional
ways in which to deal with the problems that cross their path. Not being able
to separate from others concerning thoughts, feelings, and desires is an ego
boundary issue. Our ego is what we are consciously aware of and most readily
attend to at the present moment. A
person in this context is someone who can think, feel and is willing to
distinguish themselves from others. When we come across a problem which is
someone else’s, we need to say without sacrificing empathy and compassion for
this person that the problem is their problem and not ours. If we can help the
person without making substantial sacrifices to our own personal well-being do
so. Otherwise, turn things over to the universe.
Here are some suggestions for separating
ourselves from other people’s problems:
·
Remind
ourselves about the worthlessness of worry.
·
When
we are not with our friends, acquaintances, family and co-workers; but we are
still thinking about their problems, practice thought stopping.
·
When
listening to another’s problems, picture ourselves with a special shield around
us. Love and caring can go out from us through the shield, but stress from
their problems is blocked from coming in.
·
Practice
visualizing leaving their problems with them.
After we have listened to their problems, walk away from them.
·
Remind
ourselves that caring about someone and taking on their problems are two
different things. Taking on someone else’s worries doesn’t help them; it just
drains our energy which we could be using to be good listener or for staying
healthy in our own life. Remember we have our own challenges to be concerned
about (Beattie, 1992).
Become a good listener and validate
the feelings of our family and other people in our lives. Do not take on their
problems. We know when we are taking on their pro-blems because of the
additional feelings of stress we are feeling and when we are scrambling to come
up with solutions. Those are strong indicators that we are taking on their
problems. Enhance the spirituality in our lives and turn a lot over to the
universe.
In conclusion, it is important to
set healthy boundaries between family members and any other people in our lives
in order to stay on the road to healing. To develop an understanding of what
responsibilities we are in charge of and what can be turned over to others is
vital because the problems they are facing are their responsibility. Many of
us are caring, compassionate people and strive to take on the problems of
others and try to fix them. When we are on our healing journey, we need to take
care of ourselves and treat ourselves like we are a beautiful home. We need to
decide what we want to enter our home and what things or situations we need to
keep out of our home. We wouldn’t have all the doors and windows open to our
homes during a blizzard.
