Developing Effective Coping Skills

Developing Effective Coping Skills 

“I was always willing to take a great deal

of the burden of getting along in life on my

own shoulders, but I wasn’t willing to give

myself a pat on the back.  I was always looking

to somebody else to do that. That was all wrong.”

Raquel Welch 

Developing effective coping skills assists us with weathering the storm unresolved trauma has created for us. When we are in the survival mode, our systems are in a state of chaos, and we are usually experiencing deep pain, emotionally and often physically. If we could visualize our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical state, especially if we have suffered from chronic trauma, it would appear as a disorganized mess. A good example of this state might be the condition of a teenager’s room after a long period of time of not picking up after themselves.  Just like the teenager’s messy room, nothing is accounted for or where it should be. Try to find the lost white sock in that mess. It’s next to impossible. Because of PTSD, shame issues and other anxiety based challenges we may have experienced, our coping skills have been over used. When a trigger is encountered, it is next to impossible to pull out of our skills tool box the necessary tool to handle that specific trigger. The tools may be disorganized and have been worn to the point of being non-usable after years of over use. Developing coping skills will serve as a buffer as we weather the hard knocks in life. 

Life is filled with good and bad things. There are two ways to cope with life’s challenges: acceptance and resistance. Acceptance is permitting events to unfold around us and reacting spontaneously. Conversely, resistance is fighting against the natural order of circumstances. Going against the natural order will create a lot of wear and tear on our bodies and speeds up the aging process. Looking at all situations as part of our life journey and realizing there is no such thing as a perfect life is a great way to cope with life stressors. Each situation, good or bad, consists of valuable lessons. Learning how to deal with difficult people and challenging situations in our lives will help us look at a future filled with happier prospects and life will become more manageable.

Treat everyone with respect even if their behaviors are challenging. Smile even if we don’t feel like smiling. I take people by surprise by saying “I resemble that remark,” when they say something insulting to me. They are so surprised they don’t know how to respond. It diffuses the situation immediately. Let go of insisting on being right, this can cause a lot of grief for us.  When we enhance our spirituality, we will realize the universe knows the truth so we don’t have to prove we are right, very liberating. There is our truth, their truth and the actual truth. 

Establishing good coping skills will assist with handling any given situation. The most common response to difficult situations is to avoid similar circumstances rather than learning how to handle uncomfortable conditions differently. Avoidance of certain situations spares us from considering our actions and may trigger anxiety every time we are in a similar situation.  Good coping skills can protect us from the harmful effects of challenging circumstances. When developing coping skills, we need to examine when we experienced uncomfortable feelings and what caused those feelings to surface.

           I was uncomfortable with confrontation so I had to examine how to deal with this barrier.  I looked back at specific confrontational situations. Many of these circumstances involved family members. Why did I fear these people?  I discovered I was a people pleaser and very codependent. In order for me to develop good coping skills, I had to work on my codependency issues. Codependency involves feeling responsible for another person’s feelings. We place ourselves as a keeper of their happiness. If they are not happy, we cannot be happy. I discovered on my healing journey that happiness comes from within. It cannot be dependent on outside sources.

Once I discovered how much my codependency issues caused me so much grief, my positive growth and healing was enhanced by leaps and bounds. Happiness is a choice. Part of developing good coping skills involves changing our perspective of what is going on in our lives. Realize no one has a perfect life. Part of coping with the bumps in our lives is to establish a list of happy memories to use when life is difficult. I use humorous occasions and times when I was very content to pull me out of situations which may have resulted in me feeling overwhelmed with negative feelings. If we can’t come up with happy moments, create new happy moments to pull out of our tool box. We may need to borrow some happy moments from a television show or movie.

We cannot change or fix anyone else. We can only change our reactions to their behaviors. So I looked at my adversaries and examined their personalities along with my own personality. I examined why these confrontations took place. The confrontations occurred because we both thought we were not getting our way or we were taking the problems in our lives out on each other. I had to instill the belief that their problems were not my problems. That was a tough one. Another trap many of us fall into is thinking that others should think like we do and they should treat us the same way we treat them. 

Let’s face it; there are people who are going to be difficult. So I envisioned challenging situations and practiced what I would say and how I would handle these situations in a more proactive manner with a friend and/or close family member. I role played with a person who was providing me with support. If you don’t have this support, pretend a person is there and role play by yourself. If it helps, look at yourself in the mirror as you practice how you would handle difficult situations. Replay a situation involving confrontation and reenact the situation with a different way of dealing with the difficult circumstance. 

            Personalities and events differ.  We can move through these stages as we recover from traumatic experiences: 

·         Accepting the event.

·         Grieving losses.

·         Adjusting to a new reality.

·         Moving on from the event.

·         Having faith in a brighter future. 

 

If we are having trouble coping with our feelings, these strategies may help: 

·         Find a way to help others.

·         Keep the event in perspective.  Focus on our daily routines and responsibilities which can give us strength and a sense of purpose.

·         Learn the signs and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other common reactions to extreme stress which can help us realize we are not alone.

·         Talk with family, friends and other supportive individuals about our traumatic experiences and our response to those experiences.

·         Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga and muscle relaxation exercises.  

Develop an area in our home we consider a quiet sanctuary or safe place. Usually, it is our bedrooms. This place needs to be free from regular traffic of family members. I used to go to my bedroom after getting home from work to chill for a couple of minutes before I started preparing dinner for my family. I explained I needed a few minutes to transition from my busy work day to being home with my family. I needed to recharge my battery. Take a few minutes from your busy day for me time to recharge your battery. I would close my eyes and clear my mind for a few minutes. That few minutes enabled me to give my family the attention they needed. 

            We can change our perspectives of what is going on in our lives. Using off the wall responses to reply to insulting and harmful behaviors of others along with telling ourselves happy people don’t hurt other people represent ways of changing our perspective. Scrutinize what is behind the actions of people who are being difficult. Look at why we are reacting to specific situations the way we are. Force ourselves to smile when we do not feel like smiling. Make the realization that nobody has a perfect life and adopt effective coping skills to make our lives more manageable.