A Deer's Tale

Bernie and Earl were preparing for the most important time of the year, Hunting Season. The stores selling hunting licenses, bullets, and other hunting necessities were buzzing with activity. Cases of Old Milwaukee and pasties were loaded on the pick up trucks. The women were gearing up for two blissful weeks minus the time they came home for Thanksgiving to quiet bliss without the sounds of snoring, farting and snorting of their beloveds.

            Sometimes the ground in certain areas of the U.P. was dusted with snow. Other areas were hit hard and the driving and walking through the woods was made more difficult. The hunters wanted some snow to help them track the deer they shot.

            Many hunting camps were often built rugged and with minimal hints at being a place of residence. Bernie and Earl’s camp was rustic. It was set in the middle of the woods with only a two track to get to and from the road. They managed to hook up electricity by the use of a generator and the outhouse was equipped with a gas lantern. A wood stove sat in the very center of the one room cabin. They kept the beer and pasties in large coolers. Two large wooden tables were located on both sides of the wood stove with mismatched camping chairs. A gas lantern was sitting on one of the wooden tables.

            Plastic forks, knives and spoons were placed in a large coffee tin in middle of one of the tables. A basin of water was sitting on a small cupboard by the doorway. The hunters used a large drum to collect rain water. This water was used to clean up when they felt it was necessary, which wasn’t too often. Three sets of bunk beds lined three of the walls. There was a window by the door and the door had a small window. The larger window was covered with an old torn green bed sheet.

            Every man in the U.P. no matter what their talent is for hunting thought they were the best hunters in the world. It was their god given right to inherit this gift, but Earl could not hit the side of a barn at fifty yards.

            “Earl, buddy, did you practice shooting like we tolds you to do last summer,” asked Bernie.

            “Like I’s told you before, I don’t need da practice. I haven’t bagged me a deer yet because those crazy deer know when I am comin.’”

            “I don’t know Earl. I hate getting my deer every year and you have to tell yer old lady that you didn’t get yers. I feel bad for ya. Let’s go out shooting tonight.”

            Earl looked a little bothered by his bud’s suggestion and turned around and left the store in a huff.

            “Oh, come on buddy. Get back here,” said Bernie.

            Earl didn’t look back. He kept on walking.

            Bernie finished shopping and he was trying not to let Earl get him in a bad mood. This was Bernie’s favorite time of year and nothing was going to get in between him and the outdoors. He loved going to camp, telling stories, playing poker and hunting from dawn to dusk. This is what he lived for and he knew his buddy would pull out of his funk and join the fun.

           

            The day finally arrived, November 14^th.   It was time to load up the truck with gas, load up the tank with gas for the generator and the backup tank too. Can never be too sure if it is going to be too cold to hunt and they may be stuck inside playing poker.

            Bernie was so excited. Gertrude, Earl’s wife, made all the pasties for the trip. Ellie, Bernie’s wife, cured the strips of beef and smoked it to make beef jerky. Big tins of cookies were prepared by the other wives. Things were really looking good for the two week excursion.

            Earl showed up at the last minute to load his gear in Bernie’s truck. He wasn’t smiling but that didn’t dampen Bernie’s spirits.

            The first night started out with a bang. Everyone wanted to wet their whistles and play poker. They downed quite a lot of beer that first night and woke up the next morning with the eye of the dog biting them really hard. They were all drinking the mountain ice tea one of the wives prepared. Didn’t seem to do the trick so they went back to bed and woke up a few hours later ready to hit the woods after eating a couple of pasties.

            “Bernie, I am sorry I got so mad at you last week,” said Earl

            “It’s okay buddy. We are out in God’s country right now and there isn’t ain’t a thing to be concerned with,” replied Bernie.

            They headed to their blinds to sit and wait for the deer to come to them. Both sprayed deer pee on themselves to hide their human scent and off they went.

            Earl was settling in and started gazing toward a group of trees and he crawled out of this blind and aimed at a young buck off in the distance. He tried to hold his gun steady. He took aim and shot. The deer fell to the ground. Earl was amazed that he finally hit a deer. When he almost reached where the deer fell, the deer jumped up and ran off.

            Earl scratched his head and went back to his blind. He thought for sure he hit the deer.

            Earl dozed for a while and when he woke up he saw the same deer a short distance away from his blind. He quietly crawled out of his blind, stood up, took aim and shot. The deer fell down again. Earl smiled and walked quickly over to where the deer fell. He couldn’t find the deer.

            I have to ask Bernie if he is having the same luck I am tonight at da dinner table.

            Earl started walking towards Bernie’s blind to see how he was doing.

            “Bernie, did you see any deer today,” asked Earl.

            “Ya, I did. I even shot at a deer today. But the funniest thing happened. When I got close to where the deer fell, dat deer got up and ran away,” replied Bernie.

            “Dat’s been happening to me today too. Never happened before. Most years I don’t see any deer.”

            “We gots to ask the other guys tonight if they had any luck,” said Earl.

            The poker game was going well that evening. It was nickel and dime so the losses didn’t hurt too much. Earl had a bunch of money sitting in front of him. It was his lucky night.

            “Hey guys, I have to ask you something. I shot at a deer today and it fell down. When I walked up to dat deer, it ran away. Did that happen to you today?” asked Earl.

            “No, we didn’t see any deer today,” replied Gerald, one of their hunting buddies.

            “Dat’s strange what you are saying, Earl,” said Billy, another hunting buddy.

            “I know. I usually don’t have any luck at seeing any deer all hunting season. I finally get a chance to shoot at deer and they run away after falling down,” said Earl. He looked disappointed and opened another can of Old Milwaukee.

            They called it an evening a lot sooner than the night before. Gerald woke up the whole camp in middle of the night when he appeared to be farting a sound in his sleep. The covers of his sleeping bag rose with each fart. The rest of the guys covered their ears with their pillows and went back to sleep.

            The next day was a nice day. The sun was shining. The dusting of snow on the ground made a slight crunching sound when the hunters walked over it. The light mist rain that fell during the early evening froze over the night in the below freezing temperatures. The hunters trudged through the woods to their perspective blinds to get in another day of hunting.

            A short distance away from Earl’s blind, the deer that showed up the previous day was standing by a small group of trees. The deer appeared to be pacing back and forth in front of the trees taunting Earl. Earl stayed in his blind this time and aimed at the deer and shot. The deer fell again. Earl climbed out of his blind and walked over to the spot the deer fell. The deer got up before Earl reached the spot and ran off.

            Earl decided to follow the deer. The deer joined a couple of other deer in a small meadow. It appeared as if they were communicating with one another and then one deer fell to the ground and it looked like he was laughing. His legs were flailing and the other deer looked as if they were laughing with him. Earl could not believe his eyes. He needed to tell Bernie what he saw.

            Earl walked to Bernie’s blind and asked he could talk to him. Bernie and Earl sat on the ground in front of a large tree and Earl commenced to tell Bernie what he saw.

            “I can’t believe I saw da deer fall, get up and then run off again today. I decide to follow dat deer and he was meeting with other deer. They seemed to be laughing and this is going to sound crazy, but I think they are making fun of me,” said Earl.

            “You know what I thinks we should do. We can’t tells the other guys,” said Bernie.

            “What’s that?”

            “We need to go into town and see that fortune tell and see if she can shed some light on this problem.”

            “I have some beer money left. We can use that,” said Earl.

********

            Eloise the fortune teller was busy with another client. He was one of the hunters from another camp. Earl and Bernie stared at him when he walked out of the front door of the establishment.

            Eloise asked Earl and Bernie to come into the room in the back and had them sit at a round table. She looked into her crystal ball and asked them why they came to visit her. Earl told her the story about the deer.

            She closed her eyes and asked said a little chant. Earl thought she said the word “cheetos” or he thought maybe he was getting hungry because it was after lunch. He closed his eyes too to help with the process. Eloise stopped chanting and asked the Earl and Bernie to open their eyes.

            She told them, “I saw the deer in my crystal ball and I was told by them that they are not going to let you shoot them and kill them. They said they pretend to die to fool you and they know that you are terrible at using your fire sticks. They want you to go back to your homes and leave them alone.”

            Earl and Bernie were stunned at learning that the deer were smart enough to play tricks on them. They always felt they were smarter than any animal.

            “Are ya sure dat’s what they told you,” asked Bernie.

            “Yes, I am. They spoke loud and clear,” replied Eloise.

            “I don’t know about you buddy, but I don’t think we should tell the other guys about what we learned,” said Bernie.

            “I think we should keep it a secret, too,” responded Earl.

            Eloise accepted the 20 pasties and $50. from Earl and Bernie and sent them on their way.

            They didn’t tell a soul and went home this year without a deer.                

                     

 Bernie has bagged his buck every season, but Earl has not been so lucky.