Effective Communication Skills

“Early impressions are hard to eradicate from the mind,

when once wool has been dyed purple, who can

restore it to its previous whiteness?”

Saint Jerome

Our communication skills reflect who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, and believe. Possessing effective communication skills will open a lot of doors for us. Our communication needs to be clear and concise. During our childhood and later in our lives we may have observed and learned how to communicate in negative, indirect or avoidant ways in order to protect ourselves and others and we may have had trouble talking about the things we saw, about our thoughts and feelings, and letting people know what we want and need.   We may find ourselves having a difficult time sharing information about ourselves with others. If they get to know the real us they won’t want to be in our company. Our inability to communicate can cause challenges in all areas of our lives including with our families, and at work. Reciprocity of positive exchange between two people has been frequently indicated as the single most important ingredient in a good relationship. Our communication skills are pertinent indicators concerning establishing and maintaining satisfactory relationships.

            Here are some communication styles to avoid:

·         Sarcasm represented by bitter comments which can make the other person feel bad.

·         Judgmental messages which include the “you” message involving communicating with the other person in an accusatory manner.

·         Using hurtful labels such as stupid and lazy.

·         Reminding the other person of things they have done in the past, especially negative things. We usually like to hear about the positive things.

·         Using negative comparisons such as comparing a person to another person. For example, “If only you could be as smart as your brother.”

·         Blaming.

·         Making threatening statements.

·         Giving unsolicited advice.

·         Provoking others to induce anger.

·         Not being genuine, saying things we think the other person wants to hear.

·         Apologizing for bothering people.

·         Trying to manipulate people to get them to do what we want them to do.

·         Talking in cynical, self-degrading, and/or hostile ways.

·         Finding it difficult to get to the point.

Examples of Healthy Communication:

·         Observations involving telling someone else what we saw, heard, read, or experienced. For example, “I had tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch” or “I like to spend time with you.”

·         Describing thoughts consisting of telling about conclusions we have drawn from things we have observed or experienced and these reports include value judgments, wishes, and needs.

·         Feelings represent our expression of emotions. They may be difficult to share because others may not want to hear about them. People’s reactions may include boredom or they may become upset. We can’t let this deter us because they will get to know us better by learning about our feelings.

·         Sharing what our needs are with others let’s others know what is important to us.  Discussing what our needs are can be difficult especially if we have been abused because we are not in the habit of asking for or getting what we need. When we need something use upfront statements such as “I need to have some time to myself.”

·         Another form of communication involves stating what we want. Our wants may be small such as wanting a pair of earrings that match a shirt or larger such as a new job. We may have difficulty differentiating between wants and needs. We may also feel like we don’t deserve to have wants. We need to drop those damaging thoughts and consider ourselves entitled to wants like anybody else. We also deserve to have fun and we deserve to want an easier life. Perhaps we want to have a more interesting life. Wants may include for example, “I want to go to the beach” or “I want to read a good book.”

Principles for Positive Communication:

·         Use “I” messages such as “I feel angry” or “I like being with you.”

·         Provide whole messages that include all the important parts of information. 

·         Ask yourself these following questions:

o   What do I need to communicate?

o   What am I afraid to say?

o   What am I observing, thinking, or wanting in this communication?

o   What is the purpose of this conversation?

o   Is the stated purpose the same as my intended purpose?

The practice of active listening:

            Listening intently to others does not just happen; it is a very important process involved in communication. Hearing a sound is an automatic response, while listening is a voluntary action. A process occurs involving the brain and allows us to become more active listeners.  The process involves four parts which are:

·         Receiving Information.

·         Focusing on the information.

·         Developing an understanding of the information.

·         Reacting to the information received.

We need to take a moment to listen to the things around us. Think of a car horn, we heard the sound of horn. It does not mean we were intently listening, it only means we were in range of the sound. If we turned down the radio, we are focusing on the sound of the horn representing the beginning of the listening process. We have to make a voluntary decision to do more than only hearing the sound. We understand what the sound is and our brain relates to the sound as something we heard before. Finally we react to what we have heard.  For example, are we expected to slow down or pull over as a reaction to the sound of the horn? 

Again, listening is the most important feature of communication. Our ability to be understood is contingent on our ability to listen. Effective listening will positively impact our personal and professional relationships. Effective listening will put us in the driver seat concerning how the information is received during a conversation. Also being an efficient listener will give us a heads up concerning some potential problems that may surface in the near or distant future. Being an effective listener will make others feel special and cared about. The other person will feel valued. Active listening will provide us with more opportunities to gain more information and make sound decisions.  

The benefits of active listening:

·         We will gain an understanding of matters at a deeper level.

·         We will have more resources which will enable us to make sound decisions.

·         We are better able to help others. When we are going through difficult times, the best way to deal with those situations is to help others. Helping others can redirect our thoughts from what we are going through to what we can do for others; thus, clearing our mind to make decisions.

·         We will obtain more of the help we need when our relationships are based on reciprocity (mutual exchanges). When we expect others to listen to us and we don’t listen to them, they are going to be less likely to be willing to help us.

·         We are able to participate in more activities and life in general because we know more.

·         We will be more capable of resolving conflicts and reducing problems. 

·         We can enhance our self-esteem.

So many of us state that we are open minded; however, most of us can only be open-minded concerning things we are comfortable with or know. It does take time and effort to become an active listener. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time. A lot of time we are thinking about what we are going to say next while the other person is speaking. That is not active listening. Active listening requires practicing the art of being silent. To listen deeply and fully, we must train our minds to stay focused on the person who is speaking, not only on the other person’s words but also on their facial expressions and body language. This will take practice. While working on this skill, examine places in which we will be actively talking and practice being silent during these times, just listen.  

Another obstacle many of us have to overcome is jumping to conclusions or prejudging a situation before knowing all the facts associated with the situation. Let the person fully explain what he or she has to say and carefully digest what is being said.  

Here are some helpful tips:

·         Avoid jumping to conclusions.

·         Listen to what was said and what was not said. Pay attention to body language to obtain the full meaning of what is being said.

·         Do not overreact; give the speaker a chance to tell the whole story.

·         Leave our emotions and prejudices behind.

·         Most importantly, give the communicator our complete attention.

·         Stop talking unless a response is expected.

·         Listen for intent (feeling).  A person’s tone of voice can be another clue to how he or she is actually feeling.

·         Listen for content (facts).  Listen as if we have to explain what is being said to someone else. Can we summarize or paraphrase what is being said?

Most people can handle accepting praise and appreciate constructive criticism.  Few of us 

find pleasure in condemnation and harsh, vindictive criticism. It is not healthy to only be accepting of praise and ignore criticism. We can accept criticism as a helpful learning tool. If we do so, we add valuable lessons that can be learned from constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is advice that is useful, practical, and justifiable. It is criticism that is supported by facts and experience. A helpful criticism is sharing information about a resource that will make someone’s life easier such as recommending a job search program instead of relying on the local newspaper. An example of a harsh and vindictive criticism would be telling someone that they are embarrassed to be seen with him or her. There is nothing learned or gained by the latter, only harm was done. Praise and constructive criticism can serve as part of our learning process. 

In order to form healthy relationships, we need to build and maintain communication skills conducive to a mutual give and take process for every conversation. Abuse in this lifetime and historical trauma may have negatively impacted our ability to communicate appropriately. We can learn how to share our feelings, needs, and wants in a positive manner. Active listening will help us more than we can ever imagine and it permits us to be more active in our own life and the lives of those we care about. It gives us more opportunities to gather information and data that will be helpful to us. The most important reason to actively listen and enhance our communication skills is to build stronger, more productive, and more caring relationships with others.