The Art of Conversation

Conversation has a very broad meaning.  It can mean the gestures we use, our facial expressions and/or what we say.  Conversation can mean interactions with others or living together, not just talking.  When we are engaging in a real conversation in which a mutual exchange is occurring involving giving and taking, this is when we are truly together.  We can’t exchange something if they or we are not present.  We can talk to them or at them, but this is not a conversation.  A genuine conversation includes talking that involves regard for whether someone is listening.  We may have something to say and we say it but later on we find out that no one listened to what we had to say.  Words are precious.  Talking without being heard amounts to throwing the words in the wind.  We don’t communicate to be ignored or misunderstood.  If we take a look at our conversation style based on five elements, we may find valuable doors open and take us into more mindful and artful conversation. 

Be Present:  The part of the word conversation “con” mean together with.  If you want to have a conversation, be present, vigorously.  Since the value of conversation is in what all parties have given and/or gained, if we are not present nothing will be gained.

Think before you speak:  Take the time needed to design your language.  It is not how quickly or slowly you respond.  The value of what you say is the most important.  If no one in the conversation is offering anything of value, everyone will probably try to end the conversation. 

Make yourself heard:  Saying something valuable helps make for a great conversation.  Most of us love it when we are affected by what we hear, when words move us.  If you are not being heard, don’t blame your audience.  You will need to come up with something that engages them more.  Find out what others are interested in.  Build a bridge between you and others.

Be relational before being transactional:  Take time to develop the relational aspect of the conversation without solely focusing on the give and take of the conversation.  Build an opening for experiences by showing that you care. 

Enjoy yourself and let go:  A real exchange happens when all parties are enhanced by learning new things and feeling listened to.   Look forward to conversations and learn to enjoy yourself throughout the entire conversation, not just when you have a chance to speak.  You don’t live to get to the end of life.  Enjoyment is a choice and vital to having an artful conversation. 

Good listening mean mindful listening.  Listening takes a combination of intention and attention.  The intention part is having a genuine interest in the other person and what they have to say about their feelings, experiences, opinions, and needs.  The attention part is being able to stay present, open minded, and unbiased as you listen to the other’s words.   Being good at listening to others requires you to be able to listen to yourself.  If you can’t listen to your own beliefs, fears, and needs, you won’t be able to listen to others.  Here’s some pointers for tuning in:

Check inside:  “How am I feeling just now? Is there anything getting in the way of being present for the other person?  If something is in the way, make the decision to see if it needs to be addressed.

Feeling your own sense of presence, extend it to the other person with the intention to listen fully with an open mind. 

Silently note your own reactions as they arise including your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and memories as they arise.

Reflect back what you are hearing, using the speaker’s own words when possible or paraphrase using your own words to convey the meaning of what the speaker is trying to express.

Use friendly, open-ended questions to clarify your understanding and ask for more information.  Affirm before you question another’s opinion.  Acknowledging is not agreeing.  Make sure you understand what the other person is trying to convey before introducing your own opinions and ideas.

Having honest respectful and straightforward conversations can be satisfying for all parties.  Getting to know yourselves is pertinent before being able to understand the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of someone else.  It is vital to listen with intention and attention.  The word conversation has multiple meanings from being together to holding discussions.  A genuine conversation involves active listening which can open many doors.