Developing Effective Coping Skills

“I was always willing to take a great deal

of the burden of getting along in life on my

own shoulders, but I wasn’t willing to give

myself a pat on the back.  I was always looking

to somebody else to do that. That was all wrong.”

Raquel Welch

Developing effective coping skills assists us with weathering the storm unresolved trauma has created for us. When we are in the survival mode, our systems are in a state of chaos, and we are usually experiencing deep pain, emotionally and often physically. If we could visualize our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical state, especially if we have suffered from chronic trauma, it would appear as a disorganized mess. A good example of this state might be the condition of a teenager’s room after a long period of time of not picking up after themselves. Just like the teenager’s messy room, nothing is accounted for or where it should be. Try to find the lost white sock in that mess. It’s next to impossible. Because of PTSD, shame issues and other anxiety based challenges we may have experienced, our coping skills may have been over used.

When a trigger is encountered, it is next to impos-sible to pull out of our skills tool box the necessary tool to handle that specific trigger. The tools may be disorganized and have been worn to the point of being non-usable after years of over use. Developing coping skills will serve as a buffer as we weather the hard knocks in life. 

Life is filled with good and bad things. There are two ways to cope with life’s challenges: acceptance and resistance. Acceptance is permitting events to unfold around us and reacting spontaneously. Conversely, resis-tance is fighting against the natural order of circumstances. Going against the natural order will create a lot of wear and tear on our bodies and speeds up the aging process. Looking at all situations as part of our life journey and realizing there is no such thing as a perfect life is a great way to cope with life stressors. Each situation, good or bad, consists of valuable lessons. Learning how to deal with difficult people and challenging situations in our lives will help us look at a future filled with happier prospects and life will become more manageable.

Treat everyone with respect even if their behaviors are challenging. Smile even if we don’t feel like smiling. Let go of insisting on being right, this can cause a lot of grief for us. When we enhance our spirituality, we will realize the universe knows the truth so we don’t have to prove we are right, very liberating. There is our truth, their truth and the actual truth. 

Establishing good coping skills will assist with handling any given situation. The most common response to difficult situations is to avoid similar circumstances rather than learning how to handle uncomfortable con-ditions differently. Avoidance of certain situations spares us from considering our actions and may trigger anxiety every time we are in a similar situation. Good coping skills can protect us from the harmful effects of challenging circumstances. When developing coping skills, we need to examine when we experienced uncomfortable feelings and what caused those feelings to surface (Schiraldi, 2000).

We cannot change or fix anyone else. We can only change our reactions to their behaviors. We can examine our relationships. Confrontations may occur because we both thought we were not getting our way or we were taking the problems in our lives out on each other. We can change our beliefs to their problems are not our problems. Another trap many of us fall into is thinking that others should think like we do and they should treat us the same way we treat them. 

Let’s face it, there are people who are going to be difficult. So we can envision challenging situations and practice what we could say and how we can handle difficult situations in a more proactive manner with a friend and/or close family member. You can role play with a person who is providing you with support. If you don’t have this sup-port, pretend a person is there and role play by yourself. If it helps, look at yourself in the mirror as you practice how you would handle difficult situations. Replay a situation involving confrontation and reenact the situation with a dif-ferent way of dealing with the difficult circum-stance. 

            Personalities and events differ. We can move through these stages as we recover from traumatic exper-iences:

·         Accepting the event.

·         Grieving losses.

·         Adjusting to a new reality.

·         Moving on from the event.

·         Having faith in a brighter future (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

If we are having trouble coping with our feelings, these strategies may help:

·         Find a way to help others.

·         Keep the event in perspective.  Focus on our daily routines and responsibilities which can give us strength and a sense of purpose.

·         Learn the signs and symptoms of Post Trau-matic Stress Disorder and other common reac-tions to extreme stress which can help us realize we are not alone.

·         Talk with family, friends and other supportive individuals about our traumatic experiences and our response to those experiences.

·         Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga and muscle relax-ation exercises (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

            The following sample coping statements may help if we are facing a fearful situation:

·         I am willing to go outside my comfort zone and I will be okay.

·         I have handled this situation before and I can handle it again.

·         This too will pass.

·         I am going to be alright. I have succeeded before.

·         There is no right way to do this. Whatever happens I will be fine.

·         Whatever I do, I will put forth my best effort.

·         I can think about a peaceful place as I am going through this. (I had to pretend I was on a beach soaking up the sun when I was in an MRI machine.)

·         This is an opportunity for me to learn how to become comfortable in this situation (Bourne and Garano, 2003).

Develop an area in our home we consider a quiet sanctuary or safe place. Usually, it is our bedrooms. This place needs to be free from regular traffic of family members. Take a few minutes from your busy day for me time to recharge your battery. Close your eyes and clear your mind for a few minutes. That few minutes can enable us to give our loved ones the attention they needed. 

            We can change our perspectives of what is going on in our lives. Using off the wall responses to reply to insulting and harmful behaviors of others along with telling ourselves happy people don’t hurt other people represent ways of changing our perspective. Scrutinize what is behind the actions of people who are being difficult. Look at why we are reacting to specific situations the way we are. Force ourselves to smile when we do not feel like smiling. Make the realization that nobody has a perfect life and adopt effective coping skills to make our lives more manageable.