Forgiveness

Forgiveness and holding onto grudges are at the heart of many human dramas. People are often humiliated, rejected, wounded by selfishness and inconsideration, treated in-humanely, and stabbed in the back. Forgiveness can forge a bridge linking hatred and alienation to liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victim-hood on one side; and guilt, shame, and self-condemnation on the other.

Making peace with those who harmed us does not have to be done in person. It may happen in the privacy of our own mind. This is going to be difficult to hear. Forgiveness is about letting go of our own unhealthy feelings of self-importance so we can move on with living a more balanced life. In essence, forgiveness is not about weakness. Weak individuals are the people who cannot for-give. Forgiveness is the healing work of the strong. 

Forgiveness of those who have personally caused harm to us, our families or significant others can serve as a release. In the Course of Miracles “all dis-ease comes from a state of unforgiveness,” and it is further explained that “whenever we are ill, we need to look around to see who it is we need to forgive.” Louise L. Hay also adds the very person an individual finds hardest to forgive is the one needed to be let go of the most. Forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning unjust and unkind behaviors, it means letting things go (Hay, 1999).

Forgiveness must not involve trade offs, we must not expect retribution. A good example of this is sending a letter to someone and demanding they follow all require-ments set forth in the letter before forgiveness will be granted.  Learning how to trust again after being harmed is one of the most challenging facets of being a human being. Developing trust is essential for forgiveness and healing. It is important to be able to move on. If we let others know that we have trust in them and this acknowledgment is earnest, they are less likely to betray us. In order to forgive and make peace with those who hurt us, we must learn to trust again.

          True forgiveness of self and others involves con-fronting the truth about a harmful situation and then feeling the emotions associated with the situation head on, not holding back at all. By experiencing feelings as deeply as possible, even feelings of anger towards the individual who may have caused us harm, we allow these feelings to be released. Remember, everyone makes mistakes (Hay, 1999).

         Generally, it is more harmful for the person who is holding onto the resentments than the person who is perceived as causing the resentment. Everyone has been hurt at one point or another. Life is unfair. When harm is caused by others, there will not always be an understanding as to why. Release those hurt feelings. Holding onto resentments is linked to several physical problems such as increased blood pressure, weakened immune system, depresssion and impaired memory. Harboring resentments is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Examination of feelings concerning forgiveness towards our parents is a necessary component for the healing process. Mourning a lost childhood is vital for overcoming childhood trauma. Most people have set beliefs of how parents should treat their children. When parents fall short of these beliefs, the adult child often feels cheated. Everyone who wants to be mentally healthy needs to come to terms with their parents whether they consider them to have been either good or bad parents. Children do not possess the intellectual and emotional tools to admit their parents’ harmful behaviors are not the result of something the child has done. When parents are at war with each other, a child’s loyalties are strained. This is most likely the case in a majority of households due to the high divorce rate in this country. Again, it is important to accept what has occurred during our childhood and forgive those who have harmed us.   

Hay is experienced in providing services to those who are suffering from poor health, lack of money, unsatisfactory relationships, or even repressed creativity and associates these problems with not loving the self. Holding ourselves hostage to resentments is associated with not loving the self.  Hay suggests we need to love, accept, and approve of ourselves just as we are. We need to consider ourselves a work in progress. Self-approval and self-acceptance are a couple of the main ingredients which can lead to positive changes in every area of our lives. This process can begin with never criticizing ourselves. Self criticism can lock us into the pattern we are trying to change, which is oftentimes referred to as a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

We need to forgive ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and mistakes. Sometimes when we are feeling anger towards someone, we are actually angry with ourselves. We may be angry for putting up with someone’s harmful treatment of us for as long as we did. We need to make sure we forgive ourselves. Be kind to ourselves and garnish acceptance of feelings as we progress along the path of healing. It is okay to be compassionate with ourselves. Our pain is only a part of who we are. We have other parts of our psyches that need to be put in the forefront such as our ability to be tender, our sense of humor, our intelligence, and a whole host of things that make us, us. We can tell ourselves, "I am imperfect just like everybody else" (Karen, 2001). 

To assist with building more love and appreciation for ourselves complete the following exercises:

1.      To enhance our self-trust we need to think and write in a journal of a time when we trusted ourselves but thought we had made a grave mistake. Did we learn anything from that experience? Would we have been able to learn the lesson without the experience?

2.      We need to determine who was hardest on us, ourselves or our friends, family, or coworkers?

3.      Determine how did a difficult experience helped us become who we are today?  Do we consider ourselves wiser, more mature, more accepting of others? Did that experience help us reach new heights in the ability to refrain from judging others?

4.      Make the resolution that no experience is ever wasted if we learn something from it. Masters of success tell us that anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried to do anything, especially anything worthwhile (Engel, 2006).

We need to remind ourselves of the worthlessness of worry. Constructively working through traumatic experiences is a way in which we can prevent further damage. Often we find ourselves ruminating about the horrible things in our lives and these obsessions can take over. It is important to practice thought stopping when necessary in order to prevent us from obsessing about traumatic experiences in an unhealthy manner.

The five steps to thought stopping are:

·         Notice when we are having a destructive thought that causes anxiety.

·         Choose a way to immediately and forcefully tell ourselves to STOP this thought. Some ideas include saying “Stop!” out loud or in our mind; picturing a bright red stop sign; and picturing ourselves pushing our arms out in front of us with our hands in a “halt” position. We can keep a rubber band around our wrists and snap it gently; or give our heads a quick shake as if we are physically shaking off the thought. 

·         Consciously exchange the anxious thought for a peaceful thought. We can plan our peaceful thoughts ahead of time so they are ready immediately and write these down to keep track of them. Say our peaceful thoughts out loud or in our minds.

·         We need to keep our mind focused on our peaceful thoughts until the anxious one is completely gone (Schab, 2008).

            Changing our thoughts can make a significant impact on our healing process. Many people throughout history have suffered from trauma. Some individuals have made the bold statement that adversity, obstacles, chaos, and trauma may actually be necessary for people to be successful and fulfilled.

            J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, described when she was in the depths of despair. She was experiencing a broken marriage, her parents’ display of disapproval concerning her life decisions, and poverty. Hence, she lacked the support she needed and her options were minimal concerning her predicament. Her failures stripped her of everything nonessential in her life and it taught her things about herself. Rowling turned to one of her dreams which was to become a writer and she sat one day at a café and started writing on napkins about her thoughts of a manuscript idea and the rest is history. Mary Tyler Moore made the public statement about chaos breeding creativity. Suzanne Somers has written about the trauma she has faced in her life. Post traumatic growth can occur in many forms besides recovery. We may find ourselves pursuing our dreams with vigor after we recover from unresolved trauma.   

Forgiveness can open up many opportunities for us. We can develop better relationships, pursue our dreams and aspirations and take better care of ourselves. Holding onto resentments can damage us physically and emotionally. By changing our thoughts, we can make a more positive impact on our lives. Setting ourselves up in victim-hood only causes us harm. It’s time to turn ourselves around instead of beating ourselves up. We are imperfect like everyone else and we need to accept ourselves imperfections and all.

Reference

Brunner, S. (2015). Beyond the Shadows. Michigan: Freedom Eagles Press.