Family Myths and Distortions

 

Our life is like a journey on which,

as we advance, the landscape takes

on a different view from that which it

presented itself at first, and changes

again, as we come nearer.

Arthur Schopenhauer

 

Family myths and distortions serve as a smoke screen in hopes of keeping others from knowing the reality of what is really going on in our lives. These myths and distortions are used to hide abuse and cover up specific information about relationships within the family. You’ve heard about the families in which the woman is chasing her husband in the front yard swinging a frying pan. Their problems are aired in public for the world to see.  However, that is not usually the case. There is a lot of shame associated with abuse. If we tell ourselves something enough times it becomes reality. We need to take off the rose-colored glasses. I was attended a conference and the key speaker was Claudia Black. The topic that was addressed was the plight of adult children of alcoholics. A person sitting next to me made reference to her childhood as being perfect. Claudia Black invited anyone who believed they had the perfect childhood to come to the front of the room and that belief would be challenged. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood. We are imperfect beings raised by imperfect beings. Again, it is vital for us to view our past by utilizing an honest approach. 

To begin the process of seeing our families as it really was and is, take the view from an advantageous position of an outsider and how they would view our family. Many of us carried the belief that our parents were supposed to be kind and loving even if those perceptions were not real. We can begin to realize we were born to parents who had to contend with their own baggage. Some of those bags were really heavy. 

We need to take the time to explore our lives and the lives of our families of origin. Here are some things to ponder:

 

·         Describe our families as if we were seeing our family from the perspective of someone else outside of our family unit.

·         What is the true story of our families?

·         How did it feel to examine the true story about our families?

·         Why do we think we felt this way?

·         We need to consider who taught us these myths? Were we permitted to talk about the problems our family was facing?

·         What was the intention of this myth?  What was it meant to accomplish? 

Who or what was the myth and distortion suppose to protect?

·         How has this myth or distortion affected our lives?  We may pursue relationships that are destructive because we have not established a firm grasp of our family of origin.

·         Develop a positive outcome as a result of realizing the myths or distortions concerning our families. For example, our self-esteem has been more enhanced due to our journey of healing and as a result we are able to have a healthier relationships (Copeland and Har-ris, 2000).

 

There are so many families existing in a continuum of abuse while at least one of the parents is a pillar of the community. A lot of the priests, who were written about by Podles in Sacrilege: Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church, were pillars in the community. Community members were aware of the honorable services they provided for the community and were not aware of their pedophile tendencies. There have been times noted of other prominent members of communities who were being abusive to their own children. In the public eye they are honored for their positions such as serving in roles of surgeons and clergy. Who is going to believe someone who is saying they have been abused by such an outstanding member of a com-munity?

Family myths and distortions are useful tools for hiding things we feel shame about from the rest of the world in an effort to conceal the ugly truth about our current and past relationships. Many of us have done so to try to fit in some place away from the abusive situation. Legislation is more readily enforced concerning child abuse, neglect and domestic violence. No one deserves, no matter what the circumstances are, to be abused and used in sick ways. It is important to conduct a reality check of our current and past experiences in order to heal from these circumstances.