Setting Boundaries

 

“No one can make you feel inferior

without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

            Boundaries signify the beginning and end to some-thing and represent the integrity of the self.  A boundary is in its simplest form, a property line. The boundaries we set regulate the closeness and distance in our relationships and set the standards in which we maintain our privacy and our personal space. In intimate relationships there is less distance than in other relationships such as with our coworkers, friends and family. By establishing boundaries, we maintain our privacy, our personal space, integrity and mutual respect in all of our relationships.

            A cell membrane is a good example of a boundary which allows connection and an exchange with the outside; but also polices what comes in. In other words, boundaries need to be flexible, not too rigid or too permeable.

Trauma usually involves intrusion and boundary violations whether the trauma consists of natural disasters or physical violence. If we have been repeatedly traumatized by other people, we are likely to have difficulty establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries. An extreme boundary vio-lation involves physical and sexual assault.  Another harmful boundary violation harsh defaming attacks in an attempt to make us feel inferior. Maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for people who have been traumatized. If we are experiencing weak boundaries, we may invite further harm.

            Home owners need to be aware of property lines and respecting these boundaries are a prerequisite for being a good neighbor. We need to consider our entire being as a beautiful home, beautiful inside and out. It is important to only let those we trust inside the doors of our home and not allow our home to be damaged.  Boundaries are like doors, gates, and windows and they are put into place to make us feel safe. We may have also convinced ourselves we are powerless to close the doors.

            Perhaps the door to our home has remained open and we have been exposed to dangerous traumatic activity for a long time, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually, and/or emotionally. Or we may have locked the door so tightly that no one can enter the doors to our home. Perhaps we no longer let fresh air into our home and our life has become stale and our health is declining because we are not doing anything to beautify the inside of our home. 

            If our boundaries have been violated, we are often sensitive to the boundaries of others.  We may feel extreme-ly hesitant to intrude or place any demands on others.  We may keep our distance. We may not call, visit or ask for help. Or on the other hand, we may be blind to others boundaries and violate their boundaries right and left. We may lack a sense of privacy and intrude on another’s privacy. We may use others’ property without asking or place unreasonable demands on them. Then we may be surprised if called out concerning our intrusive behaviors. We may allow others to exploit and use us (Cloud and Townsend, 1992). 

When traumatic experiences occurred in our lives and the lives of family members and our ancestors, the trauma can be equated with a house with its doors and windows blown open and our home is exposed to all the elements. Healing can begin to occur when we learn to put healthy boundaries into place. These boundaries can be opened and closed upon our choosing. We are in control. We can learn how to keep out people who don’t have our best interests in mind. Sometimes we feel trapped into feeling we have no choice but to remain in certain situations no matter how dangerous these circumstances are for us. Programs do exist to provide us with assistance if we are contemplating leaving a situation. 

            A life without healthy boundaries can result in a whole host of problems such as isolation, confusion, guilt, helplessness, and above all, a life that is out of control. Many of us have become a master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others. We also try to do a good job of parenting, being married, our jobs, and our relationships. Part of taking responsibility is to know what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for concerning any facet of our lives from the workplace to other relationships. Employees who take on more than their share of responsibilities soon become burned out and resentful.

            When we take care of other people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore our own needs, wants and feelings. We put ourselves on the shelf and we may get so busy taking care of others that we put our entire lives on hold. We may feel harried and overcommitted and end up not enjoying any of our activities. We may be working for tyrannical bosses. By taking on so much responsibility, we don’t assume accountability for our most important task, ourselves. When we consistently give more than we receive, we wonder why, when we anticipate the needs of others, no one notices our needs. We may become depressed when our needs are not being met. We may feel safer when giving than receiving. We need to overcome this obstacle.

In our desire to do the right thing, or to avoid conflict, we take on problems which are not our responsibility such as a parent’s chronic loneliness, our friends or family member’s never ending crises, our bosses’ irresponsibility; and/or our spouse’s immaturity. Then we double the problems in our lives by our inability to say no. Any confusion concerning responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as landowners create boundaries to protect their property, we need to set physical, spiritual, emotional, economical, and mental boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish between what is our responsibility and what is not.

 

When confronted with a boundary issue, here are some questions that may come up:

 

1.      Can I set boundaries and still be a caring person?

2.      What are healthy boundaries?

3.      What if someone takes exception concerning my boundaries?

4.      How do I respond to someone who wants my time, money or energy?

5.      How can I get rid of my guilty feelings when I set boundaries (Cloud and Townsend, 1992)?

 

Sometimes we may develop codependency issues. Codependency involves feeling responsible for another per-son’s feelings. We place ourselves as a keeper of their happiness. If they are not happy, we cannot be happy. Happiness is a choice. We cannot assume the feelings and problems of others at the cost of our own sanity. Codependency is symbolized by being overly concerned with another’s happiness as if our own happiness is contingent on another’s source of contentment. If we are experiencing codependency issues we may exhibit some of the following:

 

·         Find ourselves attracted to needy people.

·         Feel angry if our assistance isn’t effective.

·         Over commit ourselves.

·         Feel harried and pressured. 

·         Feel insecure and guilty when others give to the person we are helping.

·         Feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and fate. 

·         Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injus-tices done to ourselves.

·         Finding ourselves saying yes when we mean to say no, doing things we don’t want to do, doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

·         Feel pity, anxiety, and guilt when other people have a problem.

·         Feel safest when giving.

·         Feel compelled to help a person solve a problem by offering unsolicited advice, giving a lot of suggestions, or trying to fix feelings.

·         Not knowing what we want or need, or if we do, we tell ourselves our needs and wants are not important.

·         Blame others for the predicament that the people we are helping are in.

·         Anticipate others’ needs on a regular basis at the expense of ignoring our own (Beattie, 1992).

 

It is important to realize it is time to take care of ourselves and we cannot afford to take on the problems and feelings of others. Earlier boundaries were referred to as property lines. If we know where the property lines are, we can find out who owns the land. In relationships, ownership is also very important. If we know where the boundaries are in our relationships, we begin to know who owns things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. If there is a problem we begin to understand who the problem belongs to as well as who needs to deal with specific problems. 

Families and individuals who have suffered years and years of historical trauma have developed dysfunctional ways in which to deal with the problems that cross their path. Not being able to separate from others concerning thoughts, feelings, and desires is an ego boundary issue. Our ego is what we are consciously aware of and most readily attend to at the present moment.  A person in this context is someone who can think, feel and is willing to distinguish themselves from others. When we come across a problem which is someone else’s, we need to say without sacrificing empathy and compassion for this person that the problem is their problem and not ours. If we can help the person without making substantial sacrifices to our own personal well-being, do so. Otherwise, turn things over to the universe.

Here are some suggestions for separating ourselves from other people’s problems:

 

·         Remind ourselves about the worthlessness of worry.

·         When we are not with our friends, ac-quaintances, family and co-workers; but we are still thinking about their problems, prac-tice thought stopping. 

·         When listening to another’s problems, picture ourselves with a special shield around us. Love and caring can go out from us through the shield, but stress from their problems is blocked from coming in.

·         Practice visualizing leaving their problems with them.  After we have listened to their problems, walk away from them. 

·         Remind ourselves that caring about someone and taking on their problems are two different things. Taking on someone else’s worries doesn’t help them; it just drains our energy which we could be using to be good listener or for staying healthy in our own life. Remember we have our own challenges to be concerned about (Beattie, 1992).

 

            In conclusion, it is important to set healthy boundaries between family members and any other people in our lives in order to stay on the road to healing. To develop an understanding of what responsibilities we are in charge of and what can be turned over to others is vital because the problems they are facing are their responsibility. Many of us are caring, compassionate people and strive to take on the problems of others and try to fix them. When we are on our healing journey, we need to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion.