Flexing Our Emotional Intelligence Muscles

 

“You cannot do a kindness too soon,

for you never know how soon it

will be too late.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Emotional Intelligence is one of the most important forms of intelligence we can possess and is represented by our ability to assess, monitor, and manage our own personal emotions and the emotions of others. It is the ability to gain an understanding of our and others’ emotions, and to draw upon that knowledge to manage situations before they become overwhelming for everyone involved. Making a commitment to our emotional well-being can be an uphill struggle. 

    Emotional intelligence involves the following:

·         Self-Awareness: Being aware of our inner signals, recognizing how our feelings affect us, and how we are attuned to guiding values for determining the best course of action in various situations.

·         Self-assessment: Knowing our limitations and strengths and exhibiting a meaningful sense about ourselves.

·         Self-confidence: Being able to use our strengths to assist us with handling any given situation.

·         Self-control: Finding ways of managing our disturbing emotions and impulses and the ability to channel these emotions and impulses in useful ways. 

·         Transparency: Establishing an authentic openness to others about our feelings, beliefs, and actions.

·         Adaptability: Being flexible in adapting to new challenges. There is no such thing as a problem free life, so accepting that there are going to be problems in our lives is important.

·         Optimism: Finding ways in which we can roll with the punches, and seeing challenges as opportunities for growth and learning rather than as setbacks.

·         Empathy: Being able to be attuned to a wide range of emotional signals of others.

·         Catalyst for change: Being able to recognize the need for change even if we are faced with opposition. Sometimes the opposition exists within us (Coleman, 1995).  

    The word “emotion” was derived from two root words meaning “move” and “out.”  Emotion is a form of energy that moves out from a person’s innermost recesses into an experience, and then into action and/or speech, by these means into the world at large. Our emotional history has been associated with fear which was based on our ability to react in a manner that ensured survival. Our ancestors possessed the capability to jump into action to protect their families from danger, dangers such as opposing tribes and the European invasion. Our emotions have provided us with the impulse to act. Without our emotions we would be walking around like robots without demonstrating or experiencing any feelings. 

    We still encounter situations that require us to jump into action immediately. These automatic reactions are orchestrated by our limbic system, the older portion of our brain, which can aid in our continued existence. I was in a couple of serious car accidents and when the accident was occurring it felt as if I was in a dream state and my body was going through the necessary motions such as turning the stirring wheel in the right direction which saved my life and the lives of others. Being automatically placed in this dream state is a way in which we are protected from the seriousness of life-threatening situations. Some of our traumatic experiences may be shrouded in vagueness (Ellis, 2001). 

    Healing from trauma requires cultivating emotion instead of extinguishing it. When we experienced trauma in our lives, the trauma tended to constrict our range of emotion. We may be stuck in feelings of resentment and/or fear, unable to experience positive emotions such as joy.  Healing from trauma needs to accompany feelings and expressing our feelings. It may help to think of emotions as a flower garden with different kinds of plants, some weeds and thorns among the beautiful flowers. 

    Cultivating emotions is the best way of managing our emotions and preventing an emotion overload. Because of the trauma many of us faced, we can feel bombarded by intense emotions, and we are often blindsided due to the suppression of our feelings. When our feelings are sup-pressed, these feelings are intensified over time and come out in disruptive ways.  Cultivating our emotions creates greater awareness of all our emotions, negative and posi-tive. This is a preventative measure, because we cannot influence what we do not know. There are various emotions that play a major role in trauma: fear, anger, shame, guilt, disgust, and sadness.  Our world is judged by our emotions; hence, our emotional judgments can be informative and motivating (Coleman, 1995). 

    Fear and anger are a part of our self-protective emotions. When we feel threatened, we automatically respond quickly and with vigor by running, or counter-attacking, depending on the situation. Our logic doesn’t step up to the plate in these circumstances.  Instinct guides our actions. Emotions set our priorities. If we have a history of trauma, then we may become horrified by a sudden bombardment of emotions such as anger. However, we can take a step back and examine our anger from another angle.      Emotions can interrupt our ongoing day to day activity, which can reorganize our priorities and can consequently reorganize our functioning. Perhaps we can go back to a time when we were doing our day-to-day activities and received an unexpected phone call. The person had bad news to tell us. The bad news reorganized our priorities from completing the task at hand to the newly discovered crisis.   

    Emotions consist of major components which are physiological reactions, expressions, actions, thoughts, and feelings. Many emotions can trigger useful actions or reactions. When we are angry, we may feel like striking out. The physiological reactions, expressions, and emotional actions can occur quickly before we have a chance to think.  Emotions trigger thoughts and thoughts trigger emotions. Our emotions either warn us about something that may harm us, or have harmed us, or they may steer us to something that may benefit us. Emotions are usually brief only lasting seconds or minutes. Self-awareness is essential for effective emotion regulation. Although, self-awareness can be extremely painful, it can be especially excruciating if we are experiencing feelings of fear, shame and guilt (Coleman, 1995). 

    Today many Native American homes resemble war zones, homes laced with higher rates of domestic violence, child abuse, child neglect, and substance abuse than any other sectors of the population. The victims and the abusers are in a state of chronic crisis. Many people are in a constant flight or fight mode. Most abusers are in a flux of pain and suffering also along with the people who are being mistreated. Happy and content people are not cruel, exploit-tive and dependent on substances to deaden their pain. 

    Throughout history the most common response to conflict has been violence: interpersonal, emotional, physical, and international, concluding in an organized murder ritual called war. Many people see conflict as war and refer to peace as an ideal society. As a result, we repress our individuality as a way of eliminating conflict from our lives. Peace cannot be found in utopian societies because it goes against our nature. The more we are in denial about conflict, the more we struggle with denying our dark side, our alter ego we refer to as our evil twin. It is not the conflict itself but how we react to the conflict that gets us into trouble. Conflicting values and interests are inevitable. Opposition is not to be feared but to be addressed in a beneficial way.  Conflict is normal between individuals, groups and globally (Block, 2009).

    Each and every one of us has conflicting wants and needs. Reality often conflicts with our expectations. Dealing with conflict in a healthy manner is the way we learn. It’s the basis for all thinking, learning, creativity, problem solving and personal development. When reality goes against our belief system, opportunities for new ideas and insights occur. Our old beliefs are often challenged by new ideas. Through conflict we are often given the opportunity to see more clearly. Our emotional well-being is challenged when we don’t possess the tools to handle conflict in a healthy manner. We need to adopt an understanding of our emotions in order to do so (Ellis, 1988). 

    When we are fortifying our emotional intelligence, we need to regain a sense of safety, which means finding ways to neutralize our anxiety. We need, with perhaps the help of a counselor, to explore why we are jumpy, hyper-vigilant, and experiencing nightmares and panic attacks, all symptoms associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other mental health issues. Gaining an under-standing of the symptoms and why they are occurring will lessen the fear associated with them. 

    Once we develop an understanding of why we experience stressful feelings such as dread and anxiety, we can begin to establish a strong foundation for enhancing our emotional intelligence. Examine why we are feeling all emotions including happiness, anger, sadness, and anxiety. There is often a deeper meaning to why we are feeling the way we are. On the road to establishing a strong emotional intelligence base we also need to examine why others are exhibiting specific feelings. Look for cues such as facial expressions, voice tones, and gestures. Explore what is be-hind what they are saying and doing. 

    When we are on our healing journey, we need to be emotionally committed to the process of healing. Great leaders may not be handsome or beautiful, but they are emotionally committed to a vision and to the people involved in the realization of the vision. An emotional commitment is necessary for anything we want to accomplish from establishing healthy relationships to accomplishing household tasks. During our healing journey we need to picture life without pain and suffering and then we need to become emotionally committed to our healing process.  

    Managing emotions will take some time, but we will begin to recognize why we are feeling the way we are and in turn will be able to recognize triggers that may lead to unsettling emotions. Managing the emotions of others will also be comprised of making changes in the way we communicate (Coleman, 1995). For example, my dogs chased a man and his dog and demonstrated threatening behaviors when he and his dog were jogging past our home on a public street. He was very angry about my dogs’ behaviors.  Instead of getting defensive, I apologized and told him he was right. My proactive approach defused his hostility immediately. He had every right to be upset and I validated his feelings.

    Enhancing our emotional intelligence skills is cru-cial for establishing healthy relationships with ourselves and others. If we don’t enhance our emotional intelligence, we will be stuck in a realm of uncertainty. Oftentimes, when we don’t understand why we or others are distressed, angry or frustrated, we may feel lost and confused and perhaps take it to heart the perceived hurtful acts of well-meaning individuals. When we are able to read and manage our emotions and gain an understanding of others’ emotions, we have enhanced our emotional intelligence. 

 

Developing Effective Coping Skills

 

“I was always willing to take a great deal

of the burden of getting along in life on my

own shoulders, but I wasn’t willing to give

myself a pat on the back.  I was always looking

to somebody else to do that. That was all wrong.”

-Raquel Welch 

Developing effective coping skills assists us with weathering the storm unresolved trauma has created for us. When we are in the survival mode, our systems are in a state of chaos, and we are usually experiencing deep pain, emotionally and often physically. If we could visualize our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical state, especially if we have suffered from chronic trauma, it would appear as a disorganized mess. A good example of this state might be the condition of a teenager’s room after a long period of time of not picking up after themselves. Just like the teenager’s messy room, nothing is accounted for or where it should be. Try to find the lost white sock in that mess. It’s next to impossible. Because of PTSD, shame issues and other anxiety-based challenges we may have experienced, our coping skills may need fine tuning.

    When a trigger is encountered, it is next to impossible to pull out of our skills tool box the necessary tool to handle the trigger. The tools may be disorganized and have been worn to the point of being non-usable after years of overuse. Triggers are cues associated with past trauma and our traumatic memories. They cause intrusions against our will, our automatic reactions that are beyond our control I recently experienced a reoccurrence of a past traumatic event. My immediate reaction, which was beyond my control, was a feeling of numbness followed by uncontrollable sobbing.

    We may find it useful to refer to the following list of triggers by their twelve categories to help us gain an understanding of the unwanted intrusions. 

1.      Visual

2.      Sound

3.      Smell

4.      Taste

5.      Physical or Body

6.      Significant dates or seasons

7.      Stressful events/arousal

8.      Strong emotions

9.      Thoughts

10.  Behaviors

11.  Combinations (traumatic memories involve several disturbing circumstances)

12.  Out of the blue (sometimes triggers can occur when we are overly tired or when our defenses are down  

    Life is filled with good and bad things. There are two ways to cope with life’s challenges: acceptance and resistance. Acceptance is permitting events to unfold around us and reacting spontaneously. Conversely, resistance is fighting against the natural order of circumstances. Going against the natural order will create a lot of wear and tear on our bodies and speeds up the aging process. Looking at all situations as part of our life journey and realizing there is no such thing as a perfect life is a great way to cope with life stressors. Each situation, good or bad, consists of valuable lessons. Learning how to deal with difficult people and challenging situations in our lives will help us look at a future filled with happier prospects and life will become more manageable.

    Treat everyone with respect even if their behaviors are challenging. Smile even if we don’t feel like smiling. Let go of insisting on being right, this can cause a lot of grief for us. When we enhance our spirituality, we will realize the universe knows the truth so we don’t have to prove we are right, very liberating. There is our truth, their truth and the actual truth. 

    The most common response to difficult situations is to avoid similar circumstances rather than learning how to handle uncomfortable conditions differently. Avoidance of certain situations spares us from considering our actions and may trigger anxiety every time we are in a similar situation. Good coping skills can protect us from the harmful effects of challenging circumstances. When developing coping skills, we need to examine when we experienced uncomfortable feelings and what caused those feelings to surface (Schiraldi, 2000).

    We cannot change or fix anyone else. We can only change our reactions to their behaviors. We can examine our relationships. Confrontations may occur because we both thought we were not getting our way or we were taking the problems in our lives out on each other. We can change our beliefs to their problems are not our problems. Another trap many of us fall into is thinking that others should think like we do and they should treat us the same way we treat them. 

    Let’s face it, there are people who are going to be difficult. So we can envision challenging situations and practice what we could say and how we can handle difficult situations in a more proactive manner with a friend and/or close family member. You can role play with a person who is providing you with support. If you don’t have this support, pretend a person is there and role play by yourself. If it helps, look at yourself in the mirror as you practice how you would handle difficult situations. Replay a situation involving confrontation and reenact the situation with a different way of dealing with the difficult circumstance. 

    Personalities and events differ. We can move through these stages as we recover from traumatic experiences by:

      ·         Accepting the event.                        

•    Grieving losses.
•     Adjusting to a new reality.
•     Moving on from the event.
•   Having faith in a brighter future (Bourne and Garano, 2003).   

    If we are having trouble coping with our feelings, these strategies may help:

 

·         Find a way to help others.

·         Keep the event in perspective.  Focus on our daily routines and responsibilities which can give us strength and a sense of purpose.

·         Learn the signs and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other common reactions to extreme stress which can help us realize we are not alone.

·         Talk with family, friends and other supportive individuals about our traumatic experiences and our response to those experiences.

·         Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga and muscle relax-ation exercises (Bourne and Garano, 2003). 

    The following sample coping statements may help if we are facing a fearful situation:

·         I am willing to go outside my comfort zone and I will be okay.

·         I have handled this situation before and I can handle it again.

·         This too will pass.

·         I am going to be alright. I have succeeded before.

·         There is no right way to do this. Whatever happens I will be fine.

·         Whatever I do, I will put forth my best effort.

·         I can think about a peaceful place as I am going through this difficult situation. (I had to pretend I was on a beach soaking up the sun when I was in an MRI machine.)

·         This is an opportunity for me to learn how to become comfortable in this situation (Bourne and Garano, 2003). 

    Develop an area in our home we consider a quiet sanctuary or safe place. Usually, it is our bedrooms. This place needs to be free from regular traffic of family members. Take a few minutes from your busy day for me time to recharge your battery. Close our eyes and clear our mind for a few minutes. That few minutes can enable us to give our loved ones the attention they needed. 

    We can change our perspectives of what is going on in our lives. Using off the wall responses to reply to insulting and harmful behaviors of others along with telling ourselves happy people don’t hurt other people represent ways of changing our perspective. Scrutinize what is behind the actions of people who are being difficult. Look at why we are reacting to specific situations the way we are. Force ourselves to smile when we do not feel like smiling. Make the realization that nobody has a perfect life and adopt effective coping skills to make our lives more manageable. (Refer to the Relapse Prevention for more information for developing a sound coping plan.)

The Blame Trap

“When you cast blame, you disempower yourself

and relinquish control of your destiny.”

-Kirk Charles 

Finding fault with others stops us from taking control and effectively handling difficult situations. It wastes our energy and time instead of exploring how we can positively influence the situation. We have chosen to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. In other words, blaming keeps us from imposing corrective action. Blame and fault finding serve no useful purpose in emergencies or our everyday lives. It involves finger pointing. Whenever we point our index finger at someone else we need to remind ourselves that three fingers are pointing back at us. So in essence we need to ask ourselves “What role did I play in this situation?” or “What did I do to perpetuate this situation?” Instead of finding fault, we can use our precious time to seek solutions.                                                                               

    When we hear ourselves blaming or finding fault with others we can be assured that we are still keeping ourselves infused in the grip of the blame trap and we are not fully accepting the vast amount of opportunities available to us. We have been conditioned to compare, rate, score, judge, and assign value to movies, oranges, music, furniture, cars, people, animals, professional sports teams, and so much more. We discuss good and bad, beautiful and ugly, skinny and fat. We notice gorgeous, awful, stupid, wonderful, nice, better, the worse and the best. Nothing seems to escape the critical, judgmental, evaluative mindset of this country (Sherfield, 2004).

    Blaming others is a good example of our con-ditioning which has provided us with a means of not taking responsibility. It is a way of using language to assign ownership to someone else for the choices we made. As a result of blaming others, we have given up our personal power and put them in the driver’s seat. We give them the power, rendering ourselves powerless and out of control which prevents us from examining our role in any given situation and diverting responsibility (White, 2008).

                       

    Some examples to help us decide if we are residing in the blaming trap are:

 

·         “It’s my parents’ fault. They were too abusive.”

·         “My spouse’s abuse ruined my life.”

·         “My boss is the boss from hell” (Coleman and Harris, 2000).

 

    Self-criticizing will trap us in the blame game. Self-criticism comes in various forms: second guessing; self put-downs; and using adjectives to describe ourselves, such as “I am fat.” We need to move from describing ourselves to describing our behaviors. Think back to our childhoods. Many of us were called a bad kid because we did something like track mud into the house. It would have been better to be scolded for not taking our shoes off at the door? Another example, we could say “I am not fun” and change it to “I was not fun last night.” See the difference. We are not attacking our entire being, only one behavior. 

    Second guessing is very easy to recognize because we add shoulds and should nots to our conversations. Avoid using the word should. We can’t change the past so we may as well learn from each and every experience. 

    Accepting reality is one the goals of many healing modalities. Facing and coming to term with reality is beneficial. Acceptance is frequently the turning point for positive change. We have many things to accept through the course of any given day. Our present circumstances include who we are, where we live and who we live with, where we work, our mode of transportation, how much money we have, what our responsibilities are, what we may do for fun, and any existing problems. Sometimes accepting the things in our life can be a breeze when things are going well, than it is when things are not going so well (Sherfield, 2004).

    When dealing with unresolved trauma, we may feel overwhelmed by problems, losses or change. Even our healing journey can reveal losses we are struggling to accept. If some things in our lives have not been going well, we may have accepted a life filled with these problems. We need to understand acceptance does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation concerning the problems we are facing. It means we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we are and as they are. It is only from the state of acceptance, we can achieve the ability to evaluate our present situation. 

    We have been conditioned to judge so many things that cross our paths from sport teams to cars. If we fall into the blame trap, we limit our opportunities to enhance our skills at handling difficult situations. Avoid using the word should which will help us to be in the present moment instead of hanging out in the past or our reaction to the past. Getting past our need to self-criticize ourselves will free us from our self-hatred prisons. We need to be careful to only judge our behaviors and not our entire being. Taking responsibility for everything life has to offer places us in control.   

Relapse Prevention (Trauma Recovery)

 

 “A lapse is often part of a larger pattern of recovery and

some people may have to cope with a future lapse in

order to continue on their way.”

-Dr. Francis Abueg and colleagues 

Experiencing a relapse is a normal occurrence when it comes to trauma recovery. The healing journey is filled with ups and downs. It would be nice if there were no setbacks or falls. However, there will be periods when some of the trauma symptoms return. These setbacks can serve as opportunities to revisit previously encountered coping skills and to process unresolved memory material. This chapter deals with the anticipation and prevention of symptoms and traumatic circumstances before they occur. We will also cover how a lapse is a great way to hone our coping skills. Relapse prevention includes six parts:

·         “Understand the dynamics of failure.

·         “Identify and anticipate high-risk situations or cues.

·         “Develop a sound coping plan.

·         “Rehearse the plan.

·         “Try out the plan in real life.

·         “Evaluate and make improvements if needed” (Schiraldi, 1999, pg.349).

Understanding the Dynamics of Failure

We are at a point in our life in which our trauma symptoms have lessened and for months we are less bothered by the past. Then we encounter a setback. Perhaps a feared situation such as a place where a traumatic experience occurred or a social situation that stirs up hurt feelings and/or not fitting in. All of a sudden, we notice intrusive thoughts and start ruminating. Our feelings come out sideways and we are treating people badly. Sideways is a term that is related to built up tension and then we overreact to a given situation.

    We are more prone to setbacks if we haven’t taken the time to take care of ourselves, make ourselves a priority. Sometimes a variety of stressful situations pile up on us such as car trouble, staying up too late reading (that is something I do), and we feel like we are falling behind on our household chores and we are not spending enough time with people we care about. It feels like we don’t have any of our ducks in a row and things are falling apart. We may blow up at our spouse or go somewhere angry and not be in the mood to see anyone. We may feel distant and out of touch with our friends.

    Failure can be uncomfortable to examine and we may associate it with rejection, abandonment, or punishment. The explanation can be negative and our fears can return with a vengeance. We can stop the cycle of negativity by applying the following actions.

·         “Immediately: Stop, look, and listen. Take a minute if you can to step out of the flow of events and try to get as rational a view as possible. Look for your own cognitive distortions as they are developing.

·         “Keep as calm as you can so you can function in the situation.

·         “After the crisis is past: Think of the situation as external, specific, and changeable. External means that we focus on the event, and do not condemn ourselves at the core. Specific means that we keep what is happening in the here-and-now. We do not assume that what is happening is a reflection of life in general. Changeable means that things can improve. The opposite of external, specific, and changeable is internal, global and unchangeable… This way of explaining failure leads to further distress.

·         “Keep setbacks from getting worse by looking at other self-talk. Many reactions get worse by self-defeating reactions such as shame, self-disgust, impatience, or discouragement. These emotions maintain arousal. They are preceded by negative self-talk. So learn constructive vs. destructive reactions…

“Replace the word failure. Failure has a self-defeating all-or-nothing quality to it.

Instead of failure, think of a return of symptoms as a setback, lapse, temporary detour, opportunity, normal and expected challenge.

“Stand your ground and renew your commitment to recover. Don’t give in to ‘What’s the use?’ (fortune telling) or ‘I’ve blown it’ (all-or-nothing). Remind yourself that setbacks are normal. Rember the benefits of recovering” (Schiraldi, 1999, pgs. 351-352). 

Identify and Anticipate High-risk Situation (Cues)

 

The most well-planned copers have been found to anticipate times and places that can be stressful and be prepared for them. We can be one of them and form an action plan rather than avoiding thinking about possible traumatic experiences and worrying without having a plan in place. Our action plan includes high-risk situations, or cues and we need to consider a variety of possible triggers. Some of the stressful events, places and people can be funerals, places, specific people, significant dates such as anniversary dates of traumas, fatigue and illness, interpersonal conflict, specific social situations and other triggers. Not all arousal is bad such as the birth of a newborn. To increase awareness of high-risk situations, fill out the table below.

    Emotional reactions may be anger, sadness, frustration, or fear. Physical reactions might be difficulty with breathing or a felt tension throughout our bodies. Behaviors may include leaving the situation or using food or alcohol to numb the pain. The fourth column covers connection to past trauma which serves as a vehicle to separate past trauma from current trauma. Or we might decide it is a new feared situation. The fifth column presents a percentage of how much stress we predict will happen. While the last column indicates the actual distress we experienced (Schiraldi, 1999).

  

High-risk Situation	Likelihood of Encountering       (%)	Expected Reactions (emotional, physical, behavioral)	Connection to Past Trauma	Anticipated Distress (%)	Actual Distress (%)

 

    For scheduled events that may be high-risk situations, write out a specific plan. Consider all things we need to do to cope effectively. For example, we may have suffered at the hands of our parents when we were children and accumulated multiple traumatic memories. We plan on spending time with our parents over the Christmas holidays and the traumatic experiences were never dealt with due to our parents’ inability to own up to their mistakes. Meeting them over the holidays can resemble a high-risk situation. What do we need to do to ensure that a setback does not result in a full-blown relapse? What do we need to tell ourselves? What do we need to do first and what order will all the possible disturbing things occur? The coping plan needs to involve preplanned, self-instructional statements. Imagining the difficult situation and eliminating unproductive thoughts. Our sound coping plan can contain an array of thoughts planned for before, during and after the situation. Also make a plan for immediate recovery if a setback occurs.

    Sometimes we have situations such as workplace circumstances in which we need to develop a sound coping plan and sometimes there are scheduled events that have caused us much angst. If it is a work situation and we need to pay the bills, we are going to have to develop a workable coping plan to help us get through the day without losing all sense of control. I had a tyrannical boss who placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders while at the same time she treated me in an emotionally abusive manner. It reminded me of the ex-husband I left who was an abusive alcoholic, one in which I incurred many traumatic memories. This happened some time ago, but I could have really used a sound coping plan to help me deal with both circumstances. 

Develop a Sound Coping Plan

There is a certain amount of peace when it comes to preparation for high-risk situations and unexpected traumatic events. The plan for high-risk circumstances can be made well in advance. We can permit time to practice and gain confidence. It is useful for trauma survivors to learn about common reactions to trauma and find out what is normal.  When we learn about symptoms, we realize we are not alone.

    Here are some ways of coping with trauma symptoms and our coping plan can consist of some of the recommendations. 

    Unwanted disturbing memories, images or thoughts.

·         We need to remind ourselves that they are just that, memories.

·         Remind ourselves that it’s normal to have some memories of the trauma(s)

·         Discuss them with someone we trust.

·         Remember reminders of the trauma can feel overwhelming, the severity will lessen over time. 

    Unexpected feelings of anxiety or panic.

·         The reactions are not dangerous.

·         These feelings come with scary thoughts that are normally not true such as “I am going to die” or “I will lose control.”

·         We need to take time to slow down our breathing.

·         The scary sensations will dissipate soon and we can go on with what we were doing.   

    Each time we respond to the scary reactions in a positive way, we are working towards making it happen less often.   

       We feel like the trauma is happening again (flashbacks)

·         We need to keep our eyes open and look around and notice where we are.

·         Talk to ourselves and remind ourselves where we are, what the year is, and that we are safe.

·         Get up and move around. Have a drink of water and wash our hands.

·         Contact someone and tell them what is happening.

·         We need to remind ourselves that this is a common response concerning traumatic experiences.

·         Inform our counselor or doctor about the flashback(s)

     We may be having dreams and nightmares concerning the trauma.

·         If we wake up in a panic due to a dream, remind ourselves it is only a dream and we are not in any real danger.

·         We may want to get out of bed and reorient ourselves to the present moment.

·         We may need to engage in a peaceful and calming activity like listening to soothing music.

·         Discuss our nightmares with our doctor, certain medications may be helpful. 

    We struggle with falling or staying asleep.

·         We need to keep a regular bedtime schedule.

·         Avoid exercise a few hours before going to bed.

·         Avoid using our bed for anything other than sleeping and sex.

·         Avoid alcohol, tobacco and caffeine.

·         Do not fret or worry in bed. Get up and do something enjoyable such as reading a calming book, drinking warm milk or herbal tea. Do a quiet hobby. 

    Anger, rage and irritability.

·         We need to take time to cool down or think things over. Sometimes walking away from the situation is the best solution.

·         Exercise daily because it reduces body tension and relieves stress.

·         Remind ourselves that staying angry does not work and actually increases our stress and can cause health issues.

·         Discuss our anger issues with a counselor or doctor. Take classes to learn how to manage our anger.

·         If you became angry with friends or family, take the time to let them know how you feel and what you are doing to cope with your trauma reactions. 

    We may be having difficulty concentrating or staying focused.

·         We need to slow down and give ourselves time to focus on what it is you need to learn or do.

·         We can write things down and make to do lists. (I find this very helpful)

·         We may break down tasks into small doable amounts.

·         Plan a realistic number of events or tasks for each day.

·         Depression may be the culprit so discuss your problem with concentrating with your doctor or counselor.

     We have trouble feeling or expressing positive emotions.

·         Try to make sure to keep taking part in activities that we enjoy. Perhaps we may not feel like we will enjoy the activity, do it anyway and we may start experiencing feelings of pleasure.

·         Remind ourselves that this is a common reaction to trauma. We are not doing this on purpose and we should not feel guilty.

·         Take the time to remind our loved ones that we care, and express our caring in little ways such as sending a card, leaving a small gift and calling someone to touch base (National Center for PTSD, ND). 

********

       Everyone is different as far as what feels the most helpful during periods of experiencing triggers and periods of distress. What follows is a list of suggestions that may help us create moments of balance and instill calming effects. Consider experimenting with these or other coping techniques to find out what works best for us. 

·         Creating a daily routine that helps us support a sense of predictability and control.

·         Maintaining a connection with our community.

·         Instill closeness and safe physical touch as a part of our daily life. We can curl up with a pillow, blanket or if available cuddle with a pet, child or partner in our homes.

·         Spending time outside by taking a walk, bike ride, gardening or yardwork.

·         Adding movement and exercise to our repertoire.

·         Looking for personal sources of positivity, inspiration, comfort and joy and apply these to our daily routine. We can read, listen or watch stories that inspire us, make us laugh, nurture our spirituality, or address our core values. Listening to music that lifts our spirits and playing an instrument can do wonders for us. Dancing and participating in rhythmic movements can lift our moods.

·         Being creative by baking, painting drawing, sewing, writing, collaging and making photo albums and scrapbooks can be calming and make us feel productive.

·         For the non-artists, some of us can combat rumination by light but focused problem solving activities such as jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, or Sudoku.

·         Limiting news and media input.

·         Asking for help is important (Pressley and Spinazzola, 2020).

    The activities listed above can be part of an ongoing coping plan to help us deal with unresolved trauma. A plan we can refer to on an ongoing basis.    

Rehearse the Plan 

This is an opportunity to practice our plan and rehearse in a low stress situation like an actress or athlete does to prepare for events. Rehearsing can be done in image or in role play. 

·         Take two to three minutes to recall all our coping actions and all the parts of our coping plan.

·         Examine how well the coping routine worked. What parts seemed to be effective and what was not so effective. At what points did you notice strong emotions?  What are the lessons learned? How would we imagine the situation compared to the real situation?

·         Practice beforehand a daily five-minute visualization of positive coping.

 

 Evaluate and Make Improvements if Needed 

If the plan worked well, or even partially well, we need to give ourselves credit for making and executing it. If the plan needs improvements, identify what needs to be done and practice them (Schiraldi, 1999).

    We need to keep our life in balance and remember to do things that keep us physically fit, nourished and rested. It is important to incorporate pleasurable and enjoyable activities in our life and be kind to ourselves. Like everyone, we are less than perfect and when things do not go smoothly, we are doing the best we can. And we need to remember that help is available when we need and want it.