Flexing Our Emotional Intelligence Muscles

 

“You cannot do a kindness too soon,

for you never know how soon it

will be too late.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Emotional Intelligence is one of the most important forms of intelligence we can possess and is represented by our ability to assess, monitor, and manage our own personal emotions and the emotions of others. It is the ability to gain an understanding of our and others’ emotions, and to draw upon that knowledge to manage situations before they become overwhelming for everyone involved. Making a commitment to our emotional well-being can be an uphill struggle. 

    Emotional intelligence involves the following:

·         Self-Awareness: Being aware of our inner signals, recognizing how our feelings affect us, and how we are attuned to guiding values for determining the best course of action in various situations.

·         Self-assessment: Knowing our limitations and strengths and exhibiting a meaningful sense about ourselves.

·         Self-confidence: Being able to use our strengths to assist us with handling any given situation.

·         Self-control: Finding ways of managing our disturbing emotions and impulses and the ability to channel these emotions and impulses in useful ways. 

·         Transparency: Establishing an authentic openness to others about our feelings, beliefs, and actions.

·         Adaptability: Being flexible in adapting to new challenges. There is no such thing as a problem free life, so accepting that there are going to be problems in our lives is important.

·         Optimism: Finding ways in which we can roll with the punches, and seeing challenges as opportunities for growth and learning rather than as setbacks.

·         Empathy: Being able to be attuned to a wide range of emotional signals of others.

·         Catalyst for change: Being able to recognize the need for change even if we are faced with opposition. Sometimes the opposition exists within us (Coleman, 1995).  

    The word “emotion” was derived from two root words meaning “move” and “out.”  Emotion is a form of energy that moves out from a person’s innermost recesses into an experience, and then into action and/or speech, by these means into the world at large. Our emotional history has been associated with fear which was based on our ability to react in a manner that ensured survival. Our ancestors possessed the capability to jump into action to protect their families from danger, dangers such as opposing tribes and the European invasion. Our emotions have provided us with the impulse to act. Without our emotions we would be walking around like robots without demonstrating or experiencing any feelings. 

    We still encounter situations that require us to jump into action immediately. These automatic reactions are orchestrated by our limbic system, the older portion of our brain, which can aid in our continued existence. I was in a couple of serious car accidents and when the accident was occurring it felt as if I was in a dream state and my body was going through the necessary motions such as turning the stirring wheel in the right direction which saved my life and the lives of others. Being automatically placed in this dream state is a way in which we are protected from the seriousness of life-threatening situations. Some of our traumatic experiences may be shrouded in vagueness (Ellis, 2001). 

    Healing from trauma requires cultivating emotion instead of extinguishing it. When we experienced trauma in our lives, the trauma tended to constrict our range of emotion. We may be stuck in feelings of resentment and/or fear, unable to experience positive emotions such as joy.  Healing from trauma needs to accompany feelings and expressing our feelings. It may help to think of emotions as a flower garden with different kinds of plants, some weeds and thorns among the beautiful flowers. 

    Cultivating emotions is the best way of managing our emotions and preventing an emotion overload. Because of the trauma many of us faced, we can feel bombarded by intense emotions, and we are often blindsided due to the suppression of our feelings. When our feelings are sup-pressed, these feelings are intensified over time and come out in disruptive ways.  Cultivating our emotions creates greater awareness of all our emotions, negative and posi-tive. This is a preventative measure, because we cannot influence what we do not know. There are various emotions that play a major role in trauma: fear, anger, shame, guilt, disgust, and sadness.  Our world is judged by our emotions; hence, our emotional judgments can be informative and motivating (Coleman, 1995). 

    Fear and anger are a part of our self-protective emotions. When we feel threatened, we automatically respond quickly and with vigor by running, or counter-attacking, depending on the situation. Our logic doesn’t step up to the plate in these circumstances.  Instinct guides our actions. Emotions set our priorities. If we have a history of trauma, then we may become horrified by a sudden bombardment of emotions such as anger. However, we can take a step back and examine our anger from another angle.      Emotions can interrupt our ongoing day to day activity, which can reorganize our priorities and can consequently reorganize our functioning. Perhaps we can go back to a time when we were doing our day-to-day activities and received an unexpected phone call. The person had bad news to tell us. The bad news reorganized our priorities from completing the task at hand to the newly discovered crisis.   

    Emotions consist of major components which are physiological reactions, expressions, actions, thoughts, and feelings. Many emotions can trigger useful actions or reactions. When we are angry, we may feel like striking out. The physiological reactions, expressions, and emotional actions can occur quickly before we have a chance to think.  Emotions trigger thoughts and thoughts trigger emotions. Our emotions either warn us about something that may harm us, or have harmed us, or they may steer us to something that may benefit us. Emotions are usually brief only lasting seconds or minutes. Self-awareness is essential for effective emotion regulation. Although, self-awareness can be extremely painful, it can be especially excruciating if we are experiencing feelings of fear, shame and guilt (Coleman, 1995). 

    Today many Native American homes resemble war zones, homes laced with higher rates of domestic violence, child abuse, child neglect, and substance abuse than any other sectors of the population. The victims and the abusers are in a state of chronic crisis. Many people are in a constant flight or fight mode. Most abusers are in a flux of pain and suffering also along with the people who are being mistreated. Happy and content people are not cruel, exploit-tive and dependent on substances to deaden their pain. 

    Throughout history the most common response to conflict has been violence: interpersonal, emotional, physical, and international, concluding in an organized murder ritual called war. Many people see conflict as war and refer to peace as an ideal society. As a result, we repress our individuality as a way of eliminating conflict from our lives. Peace cannot be found in utopian societies because it goes against our nature. The more we are in denial about conflict, the more we struggle with denying our dark side, our alter ego we refer to as our evil twin. It is not the conflict itself but how we react to the conflict that gets us into trouble. Conflicting values and interests are inevitable. Opposition is not to be feared but to be addressed in a beneficial way.  Conflict is normal between individuals, groups and globally (Block, 2009).

    Each and every one of us has conflicting wants and needs. Reality often conflicts with our expectations. Dealing with conflict in a healthy manner is the way we learn. It’s the basis for all thinking, learning, creativity, problem solving and personal development. When reality goes against our belief system, opportunities for new ideas and insights occur. Our old beliefs are often challenged by new ideas. Through conflict we are often given the opportunity to see more clearly. Our emotional well-being is challenged when we don’t possess the tools to handle conflict in a healthy manner. We need to adopt an understanding of our emotions in order to do so (Ellis, 1988). 

    When we are fortifying our emotional intelligence, we need to regain a sense of safety, which means finding ways to neutralize our anxiety. We need, with perhaps the help of a counselor, to explore why we are jumpy, hyper-vigilant, and experiencing nightmares and panic attacks, all symptoms associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other mental health issues. Gaining an under-standing of the symptoms and why they are occurring will lessen the fear associated with them. 

    Once we develop an understanding of why we experience stressful feelings such as dread and anxiety, we can begin to establish a strong foundation for enhancing our emotional intelligence. Examine why we are feeling all emotions including happiness, anger, sadness, and anxiety. There is often a deeper meaning to why we are feeling the way we are. On the road to establishing a strong emotional intelligence base we also need to examine why others are exhibiting specific feelings. Look for cues such as facial expressions, voice tones, and gestures. Explore what is be-hind what they are saying and doing. 

    When we are on our healing journey, we need to be emotionally committed to the process of healing. Great leaders may not be handsome or beautiful, but they are emotionally committed to a vision and to the people involved in the realization of the vision. An emotional commitment is necessary for anything we want to accomplish from establishing healthy relationships to accomplishing household tasks. During our healing journey we need to picture life without pain and suffering and then we need to become emotionally committed to our healing process.  

    Managing emotions will take some time, but we will begin to recognize why we are feeling the way we are and in turn will be able to recognize triggers that may lead to unsettling emotions. Managing the emotions of others will also be comprised of making changes in the way we communicate (Coleman, 1995). For example, my dogs chased a man and his dog and demonstrated threatening behaviors when he and his dog were jogging past our home on a public street. He was very angry about my dogs’ behaviors.  Instead of getting defensive, I apologized and told him he was right. My proactive approach defused his hostility immediately. He had every right to be upset and I validated his feelings.

    Enhancing our emotional intelligence skills is cru-cial for establishing healthy relationships with ourselves and others. If we don’t enhance our emotional intelligence, we will be stuck in a realm of uncertainty. Oftentimes, when we don’t understand why we or others are distressed, angry or frustrated, we may feel lost and confused and perhaps take it to heart the perceived hurtful acts of well-meaning individuals. When we are able to read and manage our emotions and gain an understanding of others’ emotions, we have enhanced our emotional intelligence.