Family Myths and Distortions

 

Our life is like a journey on which, as we advance, the

landscape takes on a different view from that which it

presented itself at first, and changes again, as we

come nearer.

Arthur Schopenhauer 

            Family myths and distortions serve as a smoke screen in hopes of keeping others from knowing the reality of what is really going on in our lives.  These myths and distortions are used to hide abuse and cover up specific information about relationships within the family.  You’ve heard about the families in which the woman is chasing her husband in the front yard swinging a frying pan.  Their problems are aired in public for the world to see.  However, that is not usually  the case.  There is a lot of shame associated with abuse.  I know I did not talk about what my father did to me when I was a child with anyone for the longest time. No one knew my father called me “It,” “Stupe” and “Idiot” on a regular basis along with physically abusing me. He never called me by my given name.  I had no one to turn to when these abusive episodes were occurring.  It was easier to pretend I had a nice family who enjoyed each others’ company. I thought no one else went through what I went through. 

If we tell ourselves something enough times it becomes reality.  It is important to conduct a reality check with our current situation as well as examine honestly what went on when we were children.  We need to take off the rose colored glasses. I was attending conference and the key speaker was Claudia Black. The topic addressed at the conference concerned the plight of adult children of alcoholics.  A person sitting next to me made a statement that her childhood was perfect.  Claudia Black invited anyone who believes they had the perfect childhood to come to the front of the room and that belief would be challenged.  There is no such thing as a perfect childhood.  We are imperfect beings raised by imperfect beings. Again, it is vital for us to view our past and current relationships by utilizing a honest approach. 

To begin the process of seeing our families as it really was and is, take the view from an advantageous position of an outsider and how they would view our family.  Oftentimes, when I had friends visit our family home when I was a child my parents argued, swore and their confrontations were very loud.  I would try to cover up what was going on by pretending it wasn’t happening.  How did my friend perceive what was going on?  I believe she probably thought my parents were not behaving appropriately and their behaviors were harsh and undesirable.  She probably felt sympathy for me.  The louder they got the more I tried to cover up how my parents were behaving.  My family life was a mess and it probably appeared that way to others. 

Recently, some of my cousins stated my father swore all the time after I told them I was caught putting the “F” word in a song when I was five years old.  I told them I was sitting in the back seat of our car and they should have seen the look on my parents’ faces.  I told my parents I learned that word at school.  My cousin said I probably learned it from my dad.  Talk about being in denial.  I had this idealized view of what parents were supposed to be like.  They were presumed to be kind and loving even if those perceptions were not real.  Again, we need to take off the rose colored glasses as mentioned earlier and realize we were born to parents who had to contend with their own baggage.  Some of those bags were really heavy.  My father’s parents rarely showed him any kindness and my mother was neglected and abused in multiple ways.

We need to take the time to explore our lives and the lives of our families of origin.  Here are some things to ponder:

·         Describe our families as if we were seeing our family from the perspective of someone else who lived in our community.

·         What is the true story of our families?

·         How did it feel to write the true story about our families?

·         Why do we think we felt this way?

Other aspects to consider when discovering and exposing our family’s myths

and distortions are:

·         Identifying myths and distortions.  I wanted others to believe my family was more normal than it was to the point that my denial masked and thwarted my development.  I also had a skewed view of my family and at times believed that we were the only family who had problems.

·         We need to consider who taught us these myths?  Were we permitted to talk about the problems our family was facing?

·         What was the intention of this myth?  What was it meant to accomplish? 

Who or what was the myth and distortion suppose to protect?

·         How has this myth or distortion affected our lives?  I established a pattern of getting into destructive relationships when I was younger.

·         Develop a positive outcome as a result of this myth or distortion.  For example, my self-esteem has been more enhanced due to my journey of healing and as a result I am able to have a healthier relationship will my spouse. 

There are so many families that exist in a continuum of abuse while at least one of the parents is a pillar of the community. A lot of the priests, who were written about by Podles in Sacrilege: Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church, were pillars in the community.  Community members were aware of the honorable services they provided for the community and were not aware of their pedophile tendencies.  There have been times noted of other prominent members of communities being abusive to their own children.  In the public eye they are honored for their positions such as serving in roles of surgeons, clergy, etc.  Who is going to believe someone who is saying they have been abused by such an outstanding member of a community? I was also abused by someone who many others thought was charming and fun. I am telling you about these circumstances because at one point it may not have been safe for you to tell anyone about what was happening to you or you may not have been taken seriously; however, what is important now is you realize you have more options. 

Family myths and distortions are useful tools for hiding things we feel shame about from the rest of the world in an effort to conceal the ugly truth about our current and past relationships.  Many of us have done so to try to fit in some place away from the abusive situation.  Legislation is more readily enforced concerning child abuse, neglect and domestic violence.  No one deserves, no matter what the circumstances are, to be abused and used in sick ways.  I carried around the shame of believing I didn’t deserve any better so I chose people to have relationships with who did not have my best interests in mind.  Fortunately, my self-esteem has been enhanced enough to enable me to start making better decisions about whom I allow in my life.  And you can do the same. It is important to conduct a reality check of our current and past experiences in order to heal from these circumstances.