Anger Management

 

“The truth is that our finest moments

are most likely to occur when we are

feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or

unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments,

propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely

to step out of our ruts and start searching for

different ways or truer answers.”

-M. Scott Peck

 

Intense anger is common for people with PTSD and other forms of unresolved trauma and the reasons make sense to a large degree. People dealing with intergenerational stress have struggled with anger and oftentimes did not know why. The trauma faced by our parents, grandparents and other ancestors have permeated our cells. Many Native Americans today have parents, grandparents and ancestors who were sequestered to reservations and forced to attend Indian boarding schools. Many were abused emotionally and physically. The children, who were abused at the Indian boarding schools, had no one to turn to for protection or comfort, they did not have a safe place.

    I suffered from claustrophobia which is an extreme or irrational fear of confined places and I had no idea why. I don’t remember a time I was in a confined place. Then I learned people develop claustrophobia if they were bullied or abused which I definitely fell victim. I also suffered from severe neglect at the hands of people who were supposed to care about me, which many of our ancestors can attest.

    People, who have gone through traumatic experiences, often temporarily felt numb and suffered from high levels of pain and frustration. Unresolved trauma manifests in many ways, especially anger. It is safer to experience anger than it is to deal with feelings of sadness, shame, fear or dislike. Anger overrides fear. We no longer feel helpless and out of control.  We may be angry because of one or more of the following:

·         A perpetrator of a crime or accident.

·         God or life for letting traumatic events happen.

·         Normal people who appear to be happy.

·         Self for being unable to function better or get over it.

·         The imperfections of people.

·         People who don’t understand or know how to help.

·         Family members and others for annoying or disappointing us.

·         Fire fighters, police, parents, or others who failed to protect us.

·         The criminal justice system for failing to find or punish the offender. (The government has never apologized for inflicting the Indian boarding schools on Native Americans)

·         Secondary wounders who are hired to help us but end up making things worse.

·         Everyday stressors.   

    Intense, uncontrollable anger from the past may be lessened when traumatic material is fully processed and the concerns underlying the anger are addressed. The information in this chapter will furnish us with the skills needed to control our anger to protect our health and relationships (Shiraldi, 1999). 

Understanding Anger 

Anger is a negative, uncomfortable feeling that is associated with thoughts about something that we view as threatening, frustrating or unfair and unjustified. The emotion leads to physical arousal such as increased heart rate, muscle tension, breathing rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones in the blood and can result in a flushed face. We may clench our fists, raise our voice, become quiet, or leave the room. Some of us have become critical or sarcastic or we may have become physically aggressive. We could have learned unhelpful ways of coping after or during traumatic events, but we can learn or relearn effective coping skills.

    This emotion is something we experience as we try to control our world and avoid pain. Some of us are upset with ourselves, because we have trouble controlling our anger while others may feel their anger is justified. Anger can have it benefits and consequences. We may be able to communicate our suppressed feelings, it shows we care, gives us the feeling of control, protects us from injustice, lets us feel at least something, serves as a cue that something is wrong, or it energizes us.

    The downside is our communication suffers, we feel out of control, our children are learning violence from us, we avoid learning efficient coping skills, we experience feelings of guilt from hurting others, our health suffers, conflict increases, our job performance may suffer, and experience feelings of humiliation because of a lack of control. Feelings of anger are unpleasant, and we didn’t give people the chance to demonstrate that they may be trustworthy and good.

    When we consider the pros and cons, it becomes apparent that anger sometimes makes sense. People, who get angry, are not bad people, we are reacting in a way that makes sense. We may fall short when it comes to handling difficult circumstances in the best way that meets our needs. We need to look at the costs of our anger and is there an acceptable pay off. Are we getting our needs met because of our anger? Could we have relationships based more on trust? We may want to view ourselves as more patient, tolerant, kinder, cooler, and more in control if we don’t resort to anger. Communication with others may improve. We may feel more relaxed and healthier. The costs of anger may definitely outweigh the pros and we may need help managing our anger (Shiraldi, 1999). 

Anger Management Skills 

·         Responsibility for our own anger. One of the first to consider is that no one makes us angry. We choose who angers us and how we express that anger. We can choose to talk calmly rather than yell or become violent. We can choose to walk away from a fight rather than participate in a conflict. We can either let people annoy us which places us in the victim role and reinforces our sense of powerlessness. Violence to self or others is not an option. It may temporarily relieve stress while it destroys our inner peace and relationships.

·         We need to put our anger into words. We can rate our anger from intense to less severe. Within the levels of our anger list our feelings from most to least intense. It helps to realize that there are levels of anger from none to being out of control. It would be helpful to calmly describe our feelings rather than act them out. We can try addressing our anger in a journal by describing the event that triggered our anger. Describe the emotions and body sensations associated with our anger. Remember anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is usually hurt or fear of being hurt. Try to calmly identify the underlying hurt and put it into words.

·         Soothe the hurt.  Anger in the present is often a button that is pushed, and the button represents an unhealed hurt from the past. Study the time we were hurt and write down the feelings we felt during the time the hurt occurred. View the circumstance(s) with a new perspective by realizing we are safe, have available resources to deal with the hurt and an understanding of various dynamics of the harmful situation.

·         Gratitude can be a useful tool to stop our anger. It is next to impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. Even if we have to be thankful for our basic needs being met such as having a roof over our heads or food to eat. It is important to practice gratitude as much as possible.

·         Communicate. We need to tell our loved ones and friends that the anger has been derived from the hurts we are trying to heal. If someone attacks us verbally, we may feel the urge to fight back. Instead, we need to put our ego aside and try not to defend ourselves. We can gently ask questions to show the person they are being listened to and respected. Paraphrase to make sure we have an understanding of what is being said. Possibly find a point of agreement. We can constructively express our feelings and preferences. Take a time out if necessary and say “Let’s take a break for a specified amount of time (usually less than an hour) and then meet to continue.

·         We need to channel our vengeance fantasies. Talking about the underlying hurt in a safe place is the most productive and helpful way to deal with our feelings of betrayal.

·         Remember the opposites. We can have creative problem-solving situations in which we can conceive many opposites to the problem. What are the opposite feelings of anger? We can consider friendliness, patience, understanding and happiness to name a few.

·         View the offender differently. Compassion is a wonderful way to view the sorrow and suffering of others. When a person disappoints us, ask why would someone do that to another? Happy people do not hurt people. Empathy is the ability to see life through the perspective of others and give them the benefit of the doubt.

·         We can use humor to give problems a different perspective and provide a certain sense of mastery.

·         Practice relaxation techniques and help relax others. Model calmness.

·         We need to avoid watching violence on the media which has been shown to reinforce the tendency to react aggressively.

·         We can distinguish the two forms of anger. Disturbed anger is the out of control type and usually disproportionate to the offense. Non-disturbed anger is functional and an annoyance that may cause us to use rational communication (Shiraldi, 1999).

·         Train our mind and decision-making capabilities before things get more difficult and create a kind of automatic form of reacting that is required in tough situations. Go over various scenarios beforehand to reduce the level of anxiety and stress we feel when we encounter stressful circumstances. Preparation is the key (Favaro, 2006). 

    Here are some magic words to end angry interactions:

·         “I wish there were some way we could continue this more productively, but there isn’t. I need a break.

·         “I do not see that there is any point in continuing this discussion if we both disagree so strongly. I’m leaving.

·         “I have heard what you are saying. I can’t agree. There’s no point in either of us becoming more bothered by this.

·         “I do not see that there is any point in us continuing to make each other angry. I’m going to stop (Favaro, 2006. pg. 107). 

    We can apply a coping strategy or approach by using a four-step process that includes an action sequence. It is designed to address the angry act while it is occurring and to force us to look at future consequences of angry episodes. The first step is to simply remember the sequence of listen, assess, stop, and turn away and apply the acronym of L.A.S.T. Use the acronym as a cue to help us focus on the consequences of our actions and stop angry behaviors before they become problems.

    Listen to our body’s signals. Are we boiling, seething trembling or flipping out. Anger can be referred to as an intense emotion of arousal. Anger activates a part of the nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system which prepares us for “fight” or “flight” reactions. Our heart rate increases, pupils dilate, and concentration is keener. The first step is to recognize the future consequences of our anger and when we are starting to become aroused.

    After paying attention to the body’s signals, we can think about the impulse that is connected to the sensation. Visualizing the angry response of obsessing about how we would like to act out our anger can lead to desensitizing ourselves to the things we might do when we are angry. We need to consider if our angry act will actually end the problem.

    After we listen to our body’s signals and assess whether the angry action will end the problem, we can stop and consider the consequences. We need to visualize the angry act by mentally practicing the aggressive act, visualize the worst-case scenario. Do we want to hurt someone we care about, or do we want to face legal problems? Turning away from situations because we may regret the way we behaved in anger could be the wisest decision. We need to look at the situation when we turn away as not losing an argument but succeeding in a battle with ourselves. We need to realize that we may not have ruined future opportunities or add further aggravation to our lives. Stating our feelings in a calm manner is usually best (Favaro, 2006).

    Anger can be used as a tool to guide our behavior when things are not going well, when we have been hurt. It can serve as a warning sign. Anger can also cause us to be out of control of our actions and we could end up causing harm to others. Current and past infractions that have caused serious harm to the Native American people have caused many of us to experience episodes of anger. Look what happened to the indigenous concerning the Dakota Access Pipeline. We need to face our struggles with the information provided in this chapter in order to prevent further harm to ourselves and others.