Love joyfully and peacefully,
knowing the right thoughts
and right efforts inevitably
bring the right results.
-Toby Reynolds
Forgiveness and holding onto grudges are at the heart of many human dramas. People are often humiliated, rejected, and wounded by selfishness and inconsideration. Forgive-ness can forge a bridge linking hatred and alienation to liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; and guilt, shame, and self-condemnation on the other. Forgiveness of those who have personally caused harm to us, our families or significant others can serve as a release. In the Course of Miracles “all disease comes from a state of unforgiveness,” and it is further explained that “whenever we are ill, we need to look around to see who it is we need to forgive.” Louise L. Hay also adds the very person an individual finds hardest to forgive is the one needed to be let go of the most. Forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning unjust and unkind behaviors, it means letting things go (Hay, 1999).
Forgiveness must not involve tradeoffs, we
must not expect retribution. A good example of this is sending a letter to
someone and demanding they follow all requirements set forth in the letter
before forgiveness will be granted. True forgiveness of self and others involves confronting the truth about
a harmful situation and then feeling the emotions associated with the situation
head on, not holding back at all. By experiencing feelings as deeply as
possible, even feelings of anger towards the individual who may have caused us harm,
we allow these feelings to be released (Hay,1999).
Generally, it is more harmful for the
person who is holding onto the resentments, than the person who is perceived as
causing the resentment. Everyone has been hurt at one point or another. Life is
unfair. When harm is caused by others, there will not always be an
understanding as to why. Release those hurt feelings. Holding onto resentments
is linked to several physical problems such as increased blood pressure,
weakened immune system, depression and impaired memory. Harboring resentments
is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Examination of feelings concerning
forgiveness towards our parents is a necessary component for the healing
process. Mourning a lost childhood is vital for overcoming childhood trauma.
Most people have set beliefs of how parents should treat their children. When
parents fall short of these beliefs, the adult child often feels cheated. Everyone
who wants to be mentally healthy needs to come to terms with their parents
whether they consider them to have been either good or bad parents.
Children do not possess the intellectual
and emotional tools to admit their parents’ harmful behaviors are not the
result of something the child has done. When parents are at war with each
other, a child’s loyalties are strained. This is most likely the case in a
majority of households due to the high divorce rate in this country. Again, it
is important to accept what has occurred during our childhood and forgive those
who have harmed us.
Hay is experienced in providing services to
those who are suffering from poor health, lack of money, unsatisfactory
relationships, or even repressed creativity and associates these problems with
not loving the self. Holding ourselves hostage to resentments is associated
with not loving the self. Hay suggests we
need to love, accept, and approve of ourselves just as we are. We need to
consider ourselves a work in progress.
Self-approval and self-acceptance are a
couple of the main ingredients which can lead to positive changes in every area
of our lives. This process can begin with never criticizing ourselves. Self-criticism
can lock us into the pattern we are trying to change, which is often referred
to as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We need to forgive ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and mistakes. Sometimes when we are feeling anger towards someone, we are actually angry with ourselves. We may be angry for putting up with someone’s harmful treatment of us for as long as we did. We need to make sure we forgive ourselves. Be kind to ourselves and garnish acceptance of feelings as we progress along the path of healing. It is okay to be compassionate with ourselves. Our pain is only a part of who we are. We have other parts of our psyches that need to be put in the forefront such as our ability to be tender, our sense of humor, our intelligence, and a whole host of things that make us, us (Karen, 2001).
To assist with building more love and appreciation for ourselves complete the following exercises:
1.
To
enhance our self-trust, we need to think and write in a journal of a time when
we trusted ourselves but thought we had made a grave mistake. Did we learn
anything from that experience? Would we have been able to learn the lesson
without the experience?
2.
We
need to determine who was hardest on us, ourselves or our friends, family, or
coworkers?
3.
Determine
how did a difficult experience help us become who we are today? Do we consider ourselves wiser, more mature,
more accepting of others? Did that experience help us reach new heights in the
ability to refrain from judging others?
4.
Make
the resolution that no experience is ever wasted if we learn something from it.
Masters of success tell us that anyone who has never made a mistake has never
tried to do anything, especially anything worthwhile (Engel, 2006).
We need to remind ourselves of the worthlessness of worry and constructively work through traumatic experiences is a way in which we can prevent further damage. We may find ourselves ruminating about the horrible things in our lives and these obsessions can take over. It is important to practice thought stopping when necessary in order to prevent us from obsessing about traumatic experiences in an unhealthy manner.
The five steps to thought stopping are:
·
Notice
when we are having a destructive thought that causes anxiety.
·
Choose
a way to immediately and forcefully tell ourselves to STOP this thought. Some
ideas include saying “Stop!” out loud or in our mind; picturing a bright red
stop sign; and picturing ourselves pushing our arms out in front of us with our
hands in a “halt” position. We can keep a rubber band around our wrists and
snap it gently; or give our heads a quick shake as if we are physically shaking
off the thought.
·
Consciously
exchange the anxious thought for a peaceful thought. We can plan our peaceful
thoughts ahead of time, so they are ready immediately and write these down to
keep track of them. Say our peaceful thoughts out loud or in our minds.
·
We
need to keep our mind focused on our peaceful thoughts until the anxious one is
completely gone (Schab, 2008).
Changing our thoughts can make a
significant impact on our healing process. Many people throughout history have
suffered from trauma. Some individuals have made the bold statement that
adversity, obstacles, chaos, and trauma may actually be necessary for people to
be successful and fulfilled.
J.K.
Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, described when she was in the depths
of despair. She was experiencing a broken marriage, her parents’ display of
disapproval concerning her life decisions, and poverty. Hence, she lacked the
support she needed and her options were minimal concerning her predicament. Her
desperate situation taught her things about herself. Rowling turned to one of
her dreams to become a writer. She sat one day at a café and started writing on
napkins about her thoughts of a manuscript idea and the rest is history.
Mary Tyler Moore made the public statement
about chaos breeding creativity. Suzanne Somers has written about the trauma
she has faced in her life. Post traumatic growth can occur in many forms. We
may find ourselves pursuing our dreams with vigor after we recover from our
traumatic experiences and the experiences of past generations.
Forgiveness can open up many opportunities
for us. We can develop better relationships, pursue our dreams and aspirations
and take better care of ourselves. Holding onto resentments can damage us
physically and emotionally. By changing our thoughts, we can make a more
positive impact on our lives. We are imperfect like everyone else and we need
to gain an understanding of the imperfections of others to release ourselves and
find release from our prison of resentments.
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