Empowerment

 

I choose…

to live by choice, not by chance

to be motivated, not manipulated

to be useful, not used

to make changes, not excuses

to excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice,

not the random opinions of others.

Zero Dean

                                                                           

Being empowered means saying how we feel and saying directly what changes we would like to see occur. Getting in touch with our feelings is a prerequisite for becoming empowered. “I’m feeling upset right now and I would like for you to listen to me” is a good example of saying how we feel. If we are feeling confused about our wants and needs, take the time to clarify them with a friend or counselor or we can write our thoughts down. Be careful not to assume others know what we need or want. When we are empowered, we are conscious of our fundamental rights, and we give our needs the same respect we would give to anyone else’s. Various studies have revealed that people who feel victimized or out of control are at a higher risk for physical and emotional illness. and see themselves as limited and isolated.

    Many of us were raised to put others’ needs and wants before of our own. When we are suffering from the ravages of unresolved trauma, we may act assertively in some situations but have difficulty making requests or saying no in other situations. Becoming empowered is also a way of enhancing our self-respect and self-worth (White, 2008).

    Perhaps having been raised in a family that led us to believe we needed to be perfect and please our parents at all times, we probably remained a “people pleaser” as an adult. Doing things we don’t feel comfortable doing or we don’t want to do can foster resentments, which in turn creates tension and sometimes overt or covert conflict in our relationships.

    By becoming empowered, we can express our true feelings and needs more readily. We will also discover that being empowered will bring us increased respect from others except for those who just want to use us. The methods we may be consciously or unconsciously aware of may be counterproductive concerning the meeting of our needs and wants. We could be using methods such as being submissive, aggressive, passive aggressive or manipulating and most of the time we are either avoiding conflict with others or pursuing our wants and needs by the use of un-savory methods that may cause harm to us and others.

    The opposite of empowerment is achieved if we engage in submissive behaviors by yielding to someone else’s needs and wants while discounting our own. We may not feel comfortable letting others know what we need or want. At some point in our lives we may have been trained to believe it is not okay to have our own wants and needs. The end result is the people placing these demands on us remain unaware of our feelings.

    Oftentimes submissiveness leads to feelings of guilt when we do attempt to state our needs. We may often feel as if we are imposing on others. Persons suffering from the effects of historical trauma are usually anxiety prone and are often submissive. Another possibility is that we may be afraid to openly express our needs because of fears of alienation with those we are dependent upon. 

    Conversely, aggressive behaviors may include communicating in a demanding or perhaps hostile manner with others. People who behave in an aggressive manner are usually insensitive to others’ rights and needs and will try to acquire what they want through force or threats.  Aggression can place us on the defensive, leading us to withdraw or fight back rather than cooperate. We can all think of moments when we would rather be anywhere else than with someone who appears to be behaving in a threatening manner. 

    We may be behaving in a passive aggressive manner instead of being submissive or overtly aggressive. If this is our method of control concerning meeting our needs and wants, instead of openly confronting an issue, we express our anger and aggression through passive covert resistance. For example, we will make a commitment to do something; but then not follow through with our commitment. We intentionally did not plan on carrying out the commitment we made. We were secretly never happy about being asked to do what we agreed to do; but instead of being honest, we simply did not honor our commitment. Oftentimes, those we have disappointed will experience confusion, anger and/or resentments because they thought we meant what we said.

    Another form of nonassertive behavior is being manipulative. When we are being manipulative, we are usually trying to get others to feel sorry for us or guilty for their actions or lack of actions. We can fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for our own needs and may play the victim in an attempt to get others to take care of us. When these ploys do not work we may become angry or act indifferent. Manipulation only works if the person we are trying to manipulate is not aware of what is happening. The one being manipulated may feel confused and when it is discovered that he/she was manipulated, anger towards the person who used such tactics is usually the result (Bourne, 2005).  

    To take a path to empowerment by learning how to be assertive involves: 

·         Establishing nonverbal assertive behaviors. Think about a mother’s look of disapproval regarding her child’s inappropriate beha-viors.

·         Recognizing and being willing to exercise our basic rights.

·         Becoming aware of our own feelings, needs, and wants.

·         Practicing assertive responses. Try writing these down and role-playing with a suppor-tive person or saying assertive responses by looking in the mirror.

·         Learning to say no (Bolton, 1979).

 

    We can practice nonverbal assertive behaviors by looking directly at another person when communicating with them. Looking down or away portrays the message we are not confident about what we are trying to convey.  Maintaining an open posture instead of closed posture is also important. When we are sitting with our arms crossed it looks as if we are restricting our communication. Stand or sit erect, do not cross our legs when sitting and face the person directly when we are addressing them.

    While practicing assertiveness, do not back away. We need to stand our ground. And most importantly stay calm. Avoid getting overly emotional. If we are angry, disperse these feelings before we attempt to be assertive. We need to air our feelings away from the person we want to hold a conversation with and then approach the situation with a positive stance. We can empower ourselves by restoring more control in our lives (Butler and Hope, 2007). 

 

    Our physical empowerment can be restored in healthy ways by: 

·         Breathing and relaxation techniques.

·         Exercise.

·         Drinking lots of good water.

·         A Healthy diet and nutrition (Strand, 2001). 

    We can restore our mental empowerment by: 

·         Creating and/or rewriting our own personal story to delineate the larger picture of our lives as survivors. Describe the past, present and future.

·         Creating safety plans to reduce risk and prevent re-victimization.

·         Performing cognitive strategies to identify symp-toms and triggers and using a daily log or diary to chart them.

·         Visualizing new and more hopeful outcomes of challenges (Allen, 2005).

 

    We can restore our emotional empowerment by: 

·         Strengthening and enhancing our support system with caring family members, peers, and our com-munity.

·         Saying ongoing affirmations concerning our unique gifts, strengths and worth.

·         Utilizing anger release and anger management tech-niques (Coleman, 1995).                                                                              

    The way out of mental health issues such as de-pression is through empowerment and regaining of a sense of our true self-worth. Anger can be a source of power when used effectively as a form of indignation when providing ourselves with self-protection and self-assertion. Anger can be a source of healthy protest against the injustices we suffered in the past. We can use anger to protest the mistreatment of ourselves and others. We need to stand up for ourselves and others and say messages such as “I am not taking this abuse anymore” even if the abuse is self-inflicted. This is an important step toward establishing a healthier relationship with ourselves (White, 2008). 

    All human beings have basic rights. Some of those basic rights include: 

·         The right to be treated with respect.

·         The right to make our own decisions.

·         The right to be happy.

·         The right to express our feelings, negative and positive.

·         The right to not be responsible for others’ behaviors, actions, feelings or problems.

·         The right to say no. 

·         The right to live by our own values and standards.

·         The right to make mistakes and learn from them.

·         The right to feel good about ourselves (Bourne, 2005). 

    Practicing assertive responses can be started by describing our problem situation. We could be experiencing a problem such as a friend not listening to us. They never stop talking and don’t let us get a word in edgewise. Examine the situation by looking at what feelings arise when the circumstance occurs. Questions to be explored for example are when the problem is likely to occur, how we react, what fears are involved in being assertive, and what is the goal concerning the increased involvement in the conversation. In order to take action regarding our concerns, take these steps: evaluate our rights; designate a time to discuss the problem with the person involved; and state the problem situation in terms of its consequences. Use “I” messages. Do not make the person feel as if he/she is under attack for their behaviors (Copeland and Harris, 2000). 

    Becoming empowered involves asking for what we need or saying no when necessary, in a simplified open approach that does not work against, assault, or manipulate anyone else. The more empowered we become the more we realize the benefits. We will become aware that others have more respect for us and in turn our self-worth is enhanced. Empowerment is represented by being able to recognize our unique feelings, wants and needs and act upon them by ensuring that our personal bill of rights are not infringed upon. We do so by taking responsibility for our own needs and wants in a respectful manner.